How to get laid

You will need the following ingredients to ensure you get laid tonight:

For the salad:
-1/2 red onion, cut into thin rings
-about 5 cups torn and mixed escarole, romaine and other lettuce (not iceberg)
-2 hardboiled eggs
-4-5 thin slices of serrano ham or proscuitto
-4-5 black olives
-sea salt and pepper
-1 large ripe tomato
-3 tablespoons of good balsamic vinegar
-1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil

Whisk together the olive oil and a 1/2 teaspoon of salt in a small bowl. Slowly add olive oil while whisking and add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.

Quarter (or even more) the tomatos and eggs lengthwise and then place them ina nice bowl with the lettuce. Add the onion and olives. Toss.

Cut the proscuitto into 3 inch squares. Arrange around platter and drizzle the salad dressing right before serving.


For the main dish you will need the following:
-1/2 large carrot, sliced thin (not lengthwise)
-1/2 white onion, diced
-3 links (about 4 inches long each) of chorizo sausage
-1 link (4 in) turkey sausage
-1 1/4 cup of bread crumbs
-sea salt and pepper
-3 eggs
-3/4 cup garbanzo beans/chickpeas
-1/2 tomato, diced
-6 cloves of garlic or 1 clove elephant garlic
-1 teaspoon saffron threads
-1/2 cup olive oil + 2 tablespoons
-1 2/3 cups risotto type short grain rice
-oregano, thyme, rosemary
-2 chicken thighs

Get a stockpot and pour in 4 cups of water, the chopped up carrot and onion, and add rosemary, thyme and oregano at your discretion. Bring to a boil, then simmer on medium-low at least 20 minutes.

Preheat oven to 425

Take the sausage meat out of its lining and mash together. Pour the bread crumbs in slowly and continue mixing. Roll into large marble sized balls (small walnut sized). Set aside.

Cut the chicken thighs in half and remove the bones if you desire. Season with salt and pepper. In a pyrex square dish, or ceramic flameproof baking dish, warm a 1/2 cup olive oil in oven. Then add the chicken pieces and brown on all sides, turning as needed, about 6 minutes each side. Remove chicken with tongs or slotted spoon and transfer it to stockpot, reserving the remaining oil in dish.

Warm 2 tablespoons of oil in fry pan and add meatballs and fry until golden brown, about 7 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer them to a paper towel to drain.

Using mortar and pestle (or back of a wooden spoon and dish) grind up 1 teaspoon of seal salt with the saffron threads until yellow powder. Set aside.

Cut garlic into thin pieces (as seen in Goodfellas). Add garlic pieces to oil from chicken and saute for about 3 minutes in oven. Remove garlic with slotted spoon and discard. Add the rice to oil/garlic mixture and mix around for 30 seconds. Add diced tomato and stir together another 30 seconds. Add in 3 cups of the stock, and all the chicken and evenly sprinkle in saffron mix. Return to oven for about 12-15 minutes or until most of the liquid is absorbed. The rice should be tender but not entirely soft. If further cooking is necessary, add in more stock. Remove from heat and arrange chickpeas and meatballs on top of rice.

In a small bowl, beat the eggs with whisk and pour them evenly over rice. Immediately transfer to oven and bake until egg crust is opaque and just browning, about 10 minutes. Remove from oven and let sit for 5 minutes before serving. Makes about 5-6 servings or so.

Serve with a bottle of 1999 Conde Valdemar Rioja Reserva (about $17) which can be purchased here.
Other wine choices equally as good:
-2002 Condado de Haza (Ribera del Duero), about $23
-2002 Palacios Les Terrasses (Priorat), about $25

Wait 30 min until after meal, then utilize final ingredients:

-a condom
-comfy bed or table, carpeting, desk, shower
-whip cream
-chocolate sauce
-fresh fruit
-energy

The recipes were purloined from the following book, but with much editing and personal preferences mixed in.