Chuck Norris vs. Robert DeNiro

Chuck Norris and Robert DeNiro. Walker and Travis Bickle. Without a doubt, the two most badassed people on the planet. Ok, maybe.
But who exactly is the #1 badass on the planet and who is #2? I have often found myself pondering that exact question. We all know the mythical powers of Chuck Norris with his arsenal of roundhouse kicks and his anti-drug themed episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. But then there is Robert DeNiro, with his mobster mentality and fine pistol whipping abilities. It's a very difficult decision, it really is. But it needs to be solved. None of the following points are made up even though they might seem too amazing to be true. But then again, nothing is as it seems when discussing... Robert DeNiro and Chuck Norris.

ROBERT DENIRO
DeNiro's parents divorced when his dad came out of the closet and then DeNiro dropped out of school to join a Little Italy gang (how adorable!) where he was known as Bobby Milk.

CHUCK NORRIS
Norris is almost 66 years old (3/10/40) and will still kick your ass (he was trained by THEE Bruce Lee). But chances are he won't become physical unless you kidnap his wife, threaten Dallas with nuclear weapons or mess with his partner, Trivette - then you really leave him no choice.
Point: Norris - he's old but still un-messwith-able.


ROBERT DENIRO
Best known for roles as gangsters and criminals. Embarassed himself as well as his career when he wore a fake breast in Meet the Fockers. His career is still going strong today with many new movies yet to be released.

CHUCK NORRIS
Best known as Cordell Walker in Walker, Texas Ranger. Always plays the role as a nice guy who kicks ass only as a last resort. There's really no low point in career as he retired undefeated as a World Middleweight Karate Champion. His cameo in Dodgeball, Total Gym infomercials, and his autographed photos being sold for only $107.95 on his official website will help put food on the table. And by "put food on the table", I mean "aid his probable steroid dependancy".
Point: DeNiro.


ROBERT DENIRO
Starred in Casino, where the word "fuck" was used 422 times. That's 2.4 times a minute.

CHUCK NORRIS
Won an award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the Best Christian Program. Never dropped a single F-bomb in any episode. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for the unrated episode to surface where Walker spends the entire episode in a strip club and then trips a waitress for not giving proper change.
Point: DeNiro.


ROBERT DENIRO
Portraying Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas, he beat a man to death in a bar and then chopped him up and buried him in the desert. In Casino, he had a man's hand broken with a hammer for stealing from his casino.

CHUCK NORRIS
Although he does dish out his fair share of leaping roundhouse kicks, Cordell Walker's Native American father (named Ray Firewalker, by the way) raised him well and he prefers a non violent approach.
Point: DeNiro.


ROBERT DENIRO
Set a world record for Most Weight Gained for a Movie (60 pounds for Raging Bull).

CHUCK NORRIS
Set a world record by racing a boat from Chicago to Detroit (605 miles) in 12 hours 8 minutes. Also taught karate to Bob Barker.
Point: Norris- his recreational activities include racing boats (a bit white trashy to me, but still fun)... across the Great Lakes and teaching martial arts to people who KO Happy Gilmore.


ROBERT DENIRO
Supported Gore in 2000. Supports Democratic party.

CHUCK NORRIS
Supported Bush in 1988. George W. Bush has said that Norris is his favorite actor. Point: DeNiro. Do I need to explain why?


ROBERT DENIRO
Turned down the role of Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ.

CHUCK NORRIS
Turned down part of the Sensei in The Karate Kid because it was too violent. Pu$$y. Point: DeNiro.


ROBERT DENIRO
Was raised Jewish and frequently plays Italian characters.

CHUCK NORRIS
Won a Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award... and isn't even Jewish.
Point: Norris.


ROBERT DENIRO
Very well known for his "You talkin' to me?" scene in Taxi Driver.

CHUCK NORRIS
Very well known for Walker, Texas Ranger including the theme song with lyrics such as "When you're in Texas, look behind you / 'cause that's... where the Ranger's gonna be". And judging from all of the unconscious bad guys, he was right.
Point: DeNiro - classic movie vs. 8 years of episodes = a slight advantage to Bobby D.



WINNER:
Robert DeNiro. DeNiro is the ultimate leader in general kickassery and isn't afraid to take roles because "they are too violent" like a certain martial arts star who's name starts with a 'N' and ends with an "orris". DeNiro will gladly beat anyone's ass without question. Sure, Norris can single handedly land an airplane by himself in the last season of Walker but one of DeNiro's movies influenced a man to try to assassinate Ronald Reagan so that Jodie Foster would like him. Completely insane? Yes. Does it show DeNiro's sheer power over the human race? Yes. Game over.