Random rants...or...where my stress goes...

London's New Olympic Logo

2007-06-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ummm..yeah...what the hell were they thinking in England? It looks like a swastika to me, or robots having oral sex, or David from The Office (UK) dancing... or some weird thing from the future...

It is the ugliest logo I have ever seen.

Celebrity-based Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors!

2007-04-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Ok..enough with simply Halle Berry..lets try some more unique and fun celebrity-based ice cream flavor names for Ben & Jerry!

Donald Trump's Honeycombover Crumble
Tom Cruise's Just Nuts
Dalai Lama's Buddha Pecan
Kurt Cobain's Smells Like Teen Sherbet
Banana Nicole Smith
Nancy Kerrigan's Kneeapolitan
Britney Spears' Melon Smoothie
Britney Spears' Shaved Coconut
George Bush's Impeachment
Al Gore's Baked Alaska
Saddam's Iraqi Road
Fruiti Guiliani
Homer Simpson's Cookie D'Oh
Homer Simpson's Jelly D'Ohnut
Lance Armstrong's Lemon Jersey Sorebutt
Barak Obamaretto
Johnny Knoxville's Crushed Nut Surprise
Dick Cheney's Go Fudge Yourself

Got more?! List 'em!

Three Hundred

2007-03-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I saw this the first weekend it came out..I just knew it was going to be eye-candy galore, a bloodfest, and probably not a great movie. And..in fact it is a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of The Transporter. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it Kittens Making Candles and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek soldiers who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other Persians and assorted armies.
I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay men and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to Sin City. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell afterward, say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets". Guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets...because your face will punch him in the brain. Its that crazy!

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a crap if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand. * Note, I am not a metalhead..uit just WORKS with this movie.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLouise from History of the World, Part I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES. I always try to make a joke when I see a preview with my wife and it says "Strong Sexual Content. Nudity"..I always use my Homer Simpson voice and say "Woo-hoo! Nudity!"..in a joking manner. Little does she know that I am dead serious.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year for a film having no plot, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Underlying Issues of the Pet Food Recall

2007-03-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

By now, I'm sure that everyone has heard about the pet food recall. It's a sad thing that some folks lost their pets from the very food that was supposed to nourish them.

I think that this recall highlights an increasing problem with the food supply, not just for pets, but for us as well. That problem is the large-scale centralized processing of the food that we all eat.

As few as 20 years ago, much of the food an individual might eat was raised/grown and processed within a few miles of where he or she lived. Today, as evidenced by large-scale farming and meat processing corporations, our food is produced and processed in fewer and more centralized places. Look at the number of brands that Menu Foods, the company involved with today's recall, produces: dog food products and cat food products.

This is not just a threat to our health because of accidental contamination, but makes it that much easier for an intentional attack on our food supply to affect a larger number of people. Accidental contamination has proven to be a bad enough issue. Remember the bad spinach and the bad peanut butter? That's just this year.

What happens when someone or some group decides to intentionally infect all the apples with anthrax? Or else lace all the milk with botulism? They merely have to visit one or two dairies or slaughterhouses and their nefarious (love that word) intent could affect tens of millions. With the smaller scales of yesteryear, they might have only reached a small regional group of people with a similar attack.

Another detriment from this large-scale factory farming comes the effect it has on the small, family farms which used to be the backbone of this country. Simply put, it is now impossible for those small farmers to compete on price or scale. They have been pushed out of the market. In addition, communities are hurt in an intangible way because they have lost contact with the source of their food. Kids these days don't even realize that ground beef comes from a cow. A chicken is the skinless, boneless, grilled piece of teriyaki-flavored meat on their plate, not the living breathing clucking pecking bird.

What's the solution? I don't know. We seem to have reached an intractable situation where we obviously can't go back to "the way it was" but the way forward is even cloudier. There's the price pressure from the consumer. There's the government subsidies which are in collusion with the pressure from foreign farmers and food suppliers.

Some indication of how to make progress may be found in the European system of small markets that specialize in only one or two products. There are the benefits of the growth of small business while at the same time having less capacity for cross-contamination. This is just a guess, though.

The only absolute truth here is that our food system is dangerously fragile.

PS - Yes, I did just finish "Fast Food Nation" a few weeks ago, and also just rented the movie. I'd heartily recommend the book, and really believe the film is worthwhile to see as well, but it truly makes more of a good companion to the book.

Ripping em all!

2007-02-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

I am in the process of converting EVERY cd to my computer. I have about 600-650 cds. I bought a 750 gig drive a week ago for just this reason. And then I am going to sell 75% of those cds...if I can. I dfont know what I'll do with the cash..save it, spend it..who knows.

Ya see..before moving to Oregon, my wife was sick of seeing all the cds stacked in our bookshelf, so she told me to get rid of em..and I agreed that they took up a lot of space, and I rarely did look at the artwork/notes anymore..so it seemed to make sense to me, though I was still hesitant to do it. So, I took out all the cds, put 'em in binders, kept the liner notes in a giant shoebox, and chucked the jewel cases. Then I am going to burn all the cds, so I still have them all as backup (or to play in the car) in case the hard drive ever fails (knock wood).
However... when I began looking at several online places to sell my cds, they either wont take the cds without the cases, or give you about 25% less. NICE. Thank you!

I am now about halfway through the burning process. Whats especially pleasant is that I have downloaded about..I dont know..100? 150? cds from torrents, friends, legally off itunes..etc..and when I go to rip 'em, the player sometimes does not recognize the track names and artist..so I have to go manually put those all in. This is less than fun. I have also noticed a few of the import and hard to find cds I have, register the wrong track names, or are blank as well. More work.

I better get some money back, thats all I gotta say.

Don't Believe the [Horoscope]

2007-02-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

First of all, if you caught the subtle/vague/crappy Oasis album reference in the title, my hat goes off to you. Now back to my point...

Astrology is a load of shit. Please stop buying into it. It's been proven that people can read any horoscope and relate it to their own boring lives. On behalf of men everywhere, I will make all the ladies a deal. You quit checking your horoscope every day and we'll quit talking about how fucking awesome our fantasy baseball and football team is. Fair enough?

Here... I'll give you all a horoscope that can relate to your life each and every day and I won't even charge you $9.95:

Insert your stupid sign here,

You should prepare to do work in the very near future, especially if you have a job or go to school. Don't ignore it, because it won't just fade away! You should pay close attention to the romantic areas of your life to increase happiness. Always remember to give your family priority over financial situations; it'll pay off later on down the road. You are an extremely gullible person, which could really hurt you when believing astrology has anything whatsoever to do with your future.

Now I know what you're probably thinking, "That is TOTALLY me!" This all boggles my mind because everyone [see: every girl] I know reads this vague crap that gives them advice about their future and then proceeds to plan their life around it. What I've always wondered was what happens if the newspaper, Yahoo and MSN horoscopes contradict each other and say entirely different things? Who do you trust?!

PS - Ash, your entry says "You should get back to fixing Josh's blog from a year's absence or you will suffer severe head wounds. Have a nice day".

:)

Portland to Vegas to Portland to LA to Portland

2007-02-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, January 28th, I flew from Portland to Las Vegas for a trade-show for work. My supervisor was on board with me, and she got in trouble from the stewardess at the end of the flight for having a bag in the aisle. We went to the Las Vegas Hilton where the trade-show was held, and where we were staying. It might have been nice to stay at the Venetian or Wynn, but the convenience factor to just walk from our hotel through a hall and to the show was certainly a big plus.
The first night, our British distributor James, Tiffanye from our sales department, and myself went out. James had never been inside a casino before, so we decided to basically show him A LOT of them. We took the monorail down to MGM Grand, grabbed a drink there, and then walked through The Tropicana, Excalibur, New York New York, Monte Carlo, Bellagio, The Venetian and Wynn. I personally would have swapped out a few of those (The Tropicana, Monte Carlo and Excalibur for example) and show him Caesars, Aladdin and Paris instead..but I was not the tour guide. We gambled and had drinks at most of those spots, watched the Bellagio fountain peformance thing and had a good evening. I think I lost about $50-$60 at craps that night.
On Monday evening, I went out myself, expecting to meet up possibly with Tiffanye later, but she was out with one of our clients, so I went out myself and shopped at the Forum Shops and at Aladdin, and had an amazing dinner at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill. As mentioned in my previous psots, some of our team went to Yorie's or Yolies or whatever the heck it was called..but screw that, I wanted GOOD FOOD. I had 2 mojitos, the tiger-shrimp and roasted corn tamale, the Fire Roasted Veal Chop and some amazing negro modelo and pumpkin ice cream sandwich thing. Needless to say, my meal cost $114 with tip. Worth every penny.
Tuesday was fairly uneventful and I flew back to Portland on Wednesday morning. I went straight to work and came home in the late afternoon, packed and went with my wife on Thursday to Los Angeles.
That night we went out with 2 of our friends, Sandrine and Alex, who are moving back to France. It was a good opportunity to start using my spiffy new Nikon D-80, so you can check out the weekend's photos here (sorry..I didnt bring the cam to Vega$). We ate at Typhoon at the Santa Monica airport, whose menu had obviously changed in the last 6 years when I last ate there, as now there was scorpions, crickets, white sea worms, ants and other assorted insects and sea life that is not normally found on the menu at places I enjoy.. So my crosshairs were locked on to anything insect related. The rest of the menu really was of no interest to me, although Typhoon does offer a wide variety of very creative Pan-Asian fare by a talented head chef from Thailand named Eid. She and owner Brian Vidor would have to be geniuses or, perhaps, just plain mad to offer up such taboo food. But I wussed out and I had a shrimp dish, if you must know.
Friday we went for a long walk, had lunch at La Pain Quotidien on Ventura Blvd, and then my Dad and I played golf. Neither of us played particularly well, but not horribly. However, one shot on the 8th hole was memorable, where I hit 3 trees in succession (pinball bumper style) in one shot. Later that evening, my wife and I had dinner at my grandmothers house.
Saturday, my wife and I visited her friend Jen, her husband and their baby. We went out to lunch at Kay & Daves and I left my wife to have some time and chit-chat, while I zoomed home and again played golf with my father. That night we went out to Pasadena to meet up with my brother in law and his fiancee, along with my mother and father in law for dinner at Cafe Bizou. I personally thought the place and meal were average at best, but a few people seemed to enjoy their meals. However, more importantly, it was good to see everyone, and I think everyone had a good time. The 2 sides of our family dont get together all that often, so it was a fun evening. On the way back, we stopped at The Coffee bean and I had my old favorite, an English Breakfast Latte.
Sunday was the day of the game, but first I went out with cousin Mike, his wife I vee and my new niece Li-Na Isabella. She was extremely well behaved for a 3 month old, and quite cute. You can see a few pics of her here. We had breakfast/brunch at Tommy Ray's, and both my cousin and I each had an eggs benedict served on crab cakes with roasted red pepper hollandaise sauce. Quite yummy. We then strolled around Ventura blvd and into a couple shops; Storyopolis, which is an amazing bookstore for kids, Maxwell dog, and a baby store. At Maxwell gdog, I bought Maximus yet another toy (that he will destroy in possibly under 14.6 seconds). This toy is a blue and white striped fish that says "Gefilte" on the side, and when you squeeze it, it says "Oy Vey!" and then has some bubble sounds. Positively hilarious!
We all went to my cousin Gina's for the Superbowl, had some incredible appetizers and enjoyed the game. On Monday morning, extra bright and early, we caught a flight back home to Portland, and my wife picked up Maximus and then went to work in the afternoon. I went to straight to work from the airport. We had fun, but it was good to be back in Portland.

Did the snow ruin my camera?

2007-01-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

Snow in Portland! Over 5 inches in about 3 hours. Caused mega traffic accidents. This was on Tuesday, January 16th. This was the same day my new digital camera, the Nikon D-80 arrived. 18-135mm lens. As Borat would say: NAICE!
I love(d) this camera..just seemed so powerful, intuitive, easy to use and hold..etc..but it broke on Sunday. I didnt drop it, Maximus didnt pee on it, nothing. I tred to upload pics to my computer..tjhats it. The lcd monitor went out, the exposures remaining button dissapeared, the battery light flashed constantly..all kinds of weirdness. I asked for help on dpreview.com and then bitched to the reseller (via amazon) and I had another new D-80 by Thursday (yesterday). I am waiting a week or two before sending the broken one back for my refund, just to make sure.

I am off to Vegas on Sunday. We all remember what happened last time in Vegas with me sleeping in the damn airport, right? Lets hope it all works out and I have fun. I REALLY wanted to hit up Mesa Grill, as I have a man-crush on Bobby Flay, but we couldnt get reservations before 9pm and that was too late for some of our party. So who knows where we will end up. Someone said "Yorie's" which is a Brazilian steakhouse place. I am sure its tasty and all, but when you are in Vegas, go for broke..I'm fine with Chinois, as its pretty darn good too, even though theres a couple of em in California as well, but if we are gonna be cheap, just go to In-n-Out!
I still cant decide if I am going to bet on the Superbowl or not. I think the Colts will win and cover the spread, but I thought that last year too with the Seahawks. Well, my prediction is 34-21 Colts. Ill get in some rounds of craps though! So, I come back Wednesday and then leave for LA on Thursday, coming back to Stumptown on Monday morning.

Anyways..ill try to post some Vegas and LA pictures, now that I have a digital camera!

Ash's Questions and other miscellaneous bits of information

2006-12-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Long time no blog. I know most of you don't even check my shit anymore, and thats cool..I havent done much, so it makes sense. Still, some of you never respnded to emails and things, which kinda ticked me off. So otiher than Natasha and Ash, I have no idea if anyone will ever read this.
Speaking of which, I read Ash's quiz, so I decided to actually post my responses as well.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Aren't I too old to get a zit?

2. How much cash do you have on you? Forty Six dollars.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?” More.War. Poor. Sore. Hmm..kinda all can be linked together. Weird.

4. Favorite planet? Mercury. First in line and my favorite Roman/Greek god.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? No idea. I get far too many wrong numbers or people calling about potential jobs that I dont recognize hardly any numbers.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? My phone has crappy ones, but I dont download ringtones.

7. What shirt are you wearing? A shirt by "Roots"

8. Do you “label” yourself? I dont own one of those personal labeler thingies

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? New Balance

10. Bright or Dark Room? I prefer dark, with some soft mood lighting...

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Ash took it. I love her writing, and I think I'd enjoy sitting down for a cup of coffee with her and chatting for a long time.

12. What does your watch look like? Which one? I am a watch whore!

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? I was just drifting off to sleep.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? I barely ever text message, but its probably from my friend Jason, saying either something about my Lakers or commiserating about our Sun Devils.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? About 2 miles down the road.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? I curse too much..kids will cure me of it someday.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My wife.

18. Last furry thing you touched? My doggie Maximus!

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? None.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? Far too difficult a question for me.

22. Your worst enemy? Me, of course.

23. What is your current desktop picture? A winter photo of Crater Lake. I change every week or so, and usually pic some amazing photograph or perhaps some artwork.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I told Maximus it was too early for him to wake me up.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? I'd fly. You can make money off that if thats what you were after. But I'd fly in a heartbeat.

26. Do you like someone? Uh, I am married.

27. The last song you listened to? Hmm, was listening to a mix cd last night, so it was either Augustana or Jay-Z,

28. What time of day were you born? Around 9 in the morning.

29. What’s your favorite number? Twenty-six.

30. Where did you live in 1987? The Greater Los Angeles area.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes, there are several things about a few different people I am envious of, but I certainly dont let it occupy my mind too often.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? Mmm..I am unsure.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? In bed sleeping.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I rarely use vending machines, but if it ate my money, I'd probably curse at it, kick the machine and either suck it up and hope if I put in more money that it gives me two of the item.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? I am sure sometimes I can come across too sarcastic or abrasive with a few stupidly timed comments, but overall I think my wife, friendws and family would say I am very kind.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? I had considered a cool outline of all the Hawaiian islands on my right foot right after my wife and I got married on Maui, but we didnt do it. I still watch Miami Ink sometimes and love looking at tattoos.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? French. Italian. Japanese. Russian. German. Thats why I downloaded Rosetta Stone..I just have to start using it!

38. Would you move for the person you loved? Really depended on far too many circumstances, but if I had to choose, then yes.

39. Are you touchy feely? I dont know.

40. What’s your life motto? Dont play leapfrog with a unicorn.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? My wallet. My humor.

42. What’s your favorite town/city? I cannot name just one. But cities I love include the North Shore of Lake Tahoe, Wailea, Edinburgh, Paris, Santa Monica, Portland, Florence and San Francisco.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? Parking in a structure downtown.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? I used to write my old girlfriend all the time. That was in the mid 90s. Now, if it isnt a thank you type of card, then I have no idea.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? I know how, but no, I dont do it.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? I have spoken with her off and on since the 90s. I know where she works and what she does.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? I am mainly Russian and Austrian.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Today at an interview. A Burberry suit. A J Crew Tie.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My left knee.

50. Have you been burned by love? Before my first love, there was a woman I thought I loved. I was burned by her bigtime.

Ok..so since I have not updated again in some time, thought I'd just keep anyone/everyone updated. I am still here, and still read some of your blog entries, just not daily anymore.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago, so I was in LA for the funeral. I should be receiving an inheritance check any day now.
I have been addicted to soy & wasabi flavored almonds.
I have been vowing to lose the winter coat, so I have been hitting the gym hard as of late.
We just upgraded to a king sized bed, from our queen..which now looks miniscule in comparison.
Maxiums is good, my wife is good, most everyone I know is happy, healthy and so forth.
Umm..not too much else I guess. Hope you are all well..drop me a line soon :)
Happy New Year's!

The 411 for the last 75 days

2006-10-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, ok..heres whats happened to me in the last 8-9 weeks or so.

First off, I think I mentioned I hurt my knee. I believe I did this around July 5th or 10th...and I think I did it while chasing my dog, Maximus around the yard. I ended up tearing the medial meniscus in my left knee, which basically means I either need to suck it up for the rest of my life, or have surgery. However, a few family members have also torn theirs, and suggested to get these pills at Costco, Glucosamine with Chondroitin. So I bought those and it takes about 5 weeks for them to fully get into your system, but they work about 80% effectively for me. It still hurts, but not half as bad, and usually only on stairs. Still, I am a bit leery now to play tennis or do those activities. I havent tested it like that for a while.

I still particpated in the Lance Armstrong Bike Challenge but after about 30-35 miles, I had to quit, as my knee was killing me, and luckily my wife was driving right past me at the time, so she picked me up. I could tell she was disappointed I didnt finish..and I was too..but my knee actually statred hurting a bit after about 10 or 11 miles, but I pushed on, breaking my promise that I woiuld quit as soon as it started to hurt. It was a great experience, really well planned, and cool to see Lance too! He led off the ride and spoke to everyone. Here's a pic of me at the starting gate.

Also, the bike ride was the same day as the Portland Brew Fest, so we went to that later in the day to down a few beers with our neighbors :)
I actually also completed the Portland Bridge Pedal Ride (which is the 3rd largest bike ride in the WORLD!). That was about 25 miles and my knee did not hurt very much on that ride. In fact, climbing up this one hill, it felt better than a perfectly healthy knee; I just charged up the hill like Lance Armstrong on uh..roids. I do think he is 100% innocent by the way. Still, I will eventually need to get another bike (shhhh dont tell my wife), cuz I have a mountain bike..and I was just getting passed by everyone on the flats, and I was really struggling to keep a good pace..but obviously on the hills I rocked.

Other news..I did go to Emeryville, California (by Oakland) yet again for a weeklong class in Accounting for my job. They have far too many training classes at my job, but still, it was a good class, and I met a few cool people. Nothing major to report about that week though.

Also, about a month ago, I got some weird bump on my lower back. It looked like a small bug bite, but it got progressively larger..not outward, but it spread simply in size on my back. It then got dry skin on it, and itched. I also got some along my waistline (super sexy!). One of my co-workers thought it was shingles maybe (which are induced by stress and are on the waistline, as you will read in the next story, why shingles made sense at the time)..but it wasnt shingles. The doc didnt know exactly what it was..wasnt chicken pox either (I've never had em!)..but thinks its some sort of fungal infection. YUM! So I was given this itch creme and these pills. But I took one tiny lil green pill, and it knocked me out cold. Theres no way I could take more and still work, drive..etc. So she gave me these other pills but they are hard on my liver, so no alcohol. They srated to work, but didnt finish the job. So I am now on a 3rd type of anti-biotic. So I take an anti-biotic 4x a day. I take those 2 glucosamine pills. I have a daily vitamin. i take the second pills she prescribed 2x a week. I take a daily claritin pill. Thats alot of pills. The bumps are finally going away, but were all over my chest and stomach, some on my arms and on my hips.

What else has happened? Oh yeah..how long should I make a rant about my job..or, rather, former job? Well, here goes.
So, if you all didnt know, I was hired in March of this year to be an Account Exec, and they had me go through several different training courses, online quizes and all kinds of semi-helpful/semi-useless instructionary measures to get me properly prepared for the real world of sales! By the time I was released to the wild, it was May 30th. I did pretty well my first month, brought in some small business, nothing extraordinary, but I did land a client in my first or second week on the job. I met and slightly exceeded my goals for the month. July was a bit slower for me, and I was able to hold a lot of meetings, but not bring in tons of business. Still, I met most of my goals, but didnt exceed any. August, was a poor month for me, as I was not able to set hardly any meetings (everyone was on vacation!) and wasnt able to bring in any new business either. It was bad. So..the powers that be, sat me down and basically said I had 4 weeks in which to bring in these astronomical numbers or I'd be terminated. I was really taken aback, because the average sales cycle in my business is about 6 months, and it was only my first quarter on the job, plus August is the second slowest month for me. Oh, and did I mention I didnt have any support at my job from day 1? See, I am, or was, an Account Manager at a large staffing company. My niche was Accounting, Finance and HR. So, I'd meet wiht a prospective client to see if they needed our services of recruiting. Pretty boring job. But potential for a lot of money, a lot of freedom to set your own schedule..etc. Anyways, so I did not have a branch manager to help with advice, paperwork, provide leads, or go on appointments with. I also didnt have a recruiter to fill jobs that I brought in on the "permanent" side. I only had 1 recruiter who worked on temporary positions (and my head recruiter who had been there for 9 years and knew everyone, quit about a month after I was hired, along with 2 recruiters who did the permanent jobs, and the recruiting manager). In accounting and finance (accounts payable, controllers, staff accountants..etc), many, if not most, positions are permanent. Also, it doesnt matter how many clients I get to agree to use our services, *I* dont get any credit until the recruiter actually places someone there. So in essence, I could make calls, meet with a client, have them sign a contract, have them give me a job order, give it to the recruiter, have the recruiter submit a few candidates, and then the client can turn them down, the candidate could turn down an offer, or my competition could do it all before me or better; a few too many extra links in the chain, if you ask me. I could do all of that, and if the candidate is not placed at a company, I get no credit for doing any work basically. Needless to say, I brought in several signed contracts that my recruiter was not able to fill...whether by her skill level, the client being picky, or just better competition.
So back to the story..I was given 1 month. I actually then landed a HUGE client, in early Sept. My appointments went dramtically up. I knew some of this would happen because August is a slow month, and with all the calls that I made, things would start to happen in September and October. So I brought in a huge client, another medium sized client, and some good leads and orders for other teams. Alas, on October 5th, they let me go. They did it OVER THE PHONE, and with no severance. They also wanted my help with current leads and stuff. So I am out of a job. :( Really shitty deal, if you ask me. I know I couldve done better, worked harder..whatever, but geez, louise..give me a CHANCE to prove I am worthy of being terminated at least. The kicker, is that I have now heard through 3 sources, that they are actually closing the branch down! So might as well terminate the new guy, with the highest salary...me! UGH.

Hmm..anything else happen in the last couple months? My birthday was about 2 weeks ago (Sep 26), my folks were here, my dog has now started sleeping in our bed at night (otherwise he whines, rattles his cage, licks his cage and makes a racket)..which has done wonders for my sex life!!! I also may start my own side business (just a small side thing..I will explain more in a few weeks once I get all the material together and launch it..etc).
Anyways..so thats that.
Feel free to send money to me so I dont lose my house :(

Hilarious!

2006-10-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am not back. Just wanted to forever be able to watch this.

Category 5 Storm Warning!

2006-08-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

Where was this man in 2000? Matters of global climate change aside, that was the primary impression I was left with at the end of "An Inconvenient Truth", the one question I wanted to scream with rage and frustration. The Al Gore here is thoughtful, intelligent, engaged with the world, passionate, relaxed, inspiring, even funny. That he was smart was never in question -- that he was any kind of leader, a man with the power to make you share his passion, was (though I still voted for him, along with the majority of the USA apparently).

No more. The answer to my question, I suspect, is that this Al Gore did not exist in 2000, not quite, I suspect that he was forged by the fire of being treated like a buffoon by the press before the election (and letting the press get away with it) and by the fiasco of the post-election legal nightmare in which he put being gracious above playing to win. You can forget everything you knew about the "stiff," Al Gore of 2000: the Gore of 2006 has clearly learned a hard lesson about fighting like you mean it and not letting the other side’s propaganda frame the issue.

But, amazingly, "An Inconvenient Truth" isn’t a political film, not really, even if the debate about global climate change has come down to "sides" in the same idiotic way that the debate about evolution has, in the same way that the debate about heliocentricity once was. Because you don’t need to like Gore, or trust him, or even believe him to get a swift kick in the pants, one that’ll scare the hell out of you, and Truth isn’t really about Gore at all, except accidentally.

Since 2000, see, the ex-Vice President has been traveling the globe giving a slideshow presentation about climate issues to anyone who’ll listen, and documentarian Davis Guggenheim pretty much plopped some cameras in front of one of those presentations to create Truth. If you’ve been following climate science, not climate propaganda -- little that Gore says will be news to you, but he puts it all together in such a devastating way that the impact is enormous nevertheless even to the initiated. To anyone who’s only paid attention the mainstream press, which continues to insist that there is no scientific consensus that we’re totally fucked unless we do something soon, Truth will be like an atomic bomb going off in your brain.

Photos of ancient glaciers that have retreated entirely over the last hundred years, and video of today’s glaciers literally disintegrating before our eyes. Animations about what happened the last time the jetstream that warms Europe shut down, and how close we are to that happening again -- it has to do with a whole lotta fresh water getting dumped into the North Atlantic, and the signs that Greenland, a huge honking ice cube of fresh water, is on the verge of catastrophic meltdown. Disappearing rivers, disappearing species, disappearing rainforests. Disappearing cities, gone under the 20 feet of water that the meltdown of Greenland and only part of Antarctica will bring. Hard scientific facts from peer-reviewed scientific journals that debunk the humbuggery of oil-company-supported PR "think tanks" about "natural cycles" -- the charts Gore presents about the variations in actual natural cycles of warming and cooling and CO2 concentrations over hundreds of thousands of years, and how far off the chart the variations we’re seeing today are, may well be the scariest thing I’ve seen on film in years.

Yeah, I said "charts." It sounds stiff, and yet it isn’t. Gore is witty and rousing. Not just in self-deprecating ways, as when he introduces himself: "I am Al Gore. I used to be the next President of the United States." But also when, say, he’s deploying the example of the boiling frog, which lots of folks have used to illustrate the human propensity to ignore problems that sneak up on you: Put a frog in boiling water, and he’ll hop out, the analogy goes, but put that same frog in cold water and slowly bring the water to a boil, and the frog will sit there and happily let himself be cooked to death. Gore, though, he gives it a spin: the frog will sit in the heating water... until he’s rescued. It is funny, but it is also hopeful and almost exciting: Gore wants us to be scared enough to start doing something about the huge problem we’re facing, but not too scared that we get paralyzed, because it’s not, he insists, too late to do something about it. And, as he deftly demonstrates with facts and figures from around the globe, the solutions, some of which are already in play around the world, do not have to be the economic disaster climate-change naysayers keep insisting it will be. (Wait till you hear what kind of gas mileage European- and even Chinese-made cars are getting! No wonder American automakers are going bankrupt: they can’t compete on the global stage. And building more efficient cars would be bad for our economy?)

In fact, for all the talk about Gore being "hysterical", it’s the climate-change deniers who, by comparison, come off looking like the crazy ones. Gore is calm, he’s rational, he’s logical, and while he’s clearly deeply concerned, he’s not ranting and raving. And though the film takes a few asides to explain how tragedy in Gore’s life (the death of his sister to lung cancer, almost losing his young son) changed him, made him sit up and reevaluate what was important to him, his life and his experience really are secondary to what he’s talking about. You don’t need to like Gore or trust him or take his word on anything he says here: he’s just the messenger, and we are required to take nothing he says on faith. The information, the facts, including the basic truth that there is no debate on these issues any more than there is any debate on whether the Earth is round or more than 6,000 years old, are readily available to anyone who wishes to factcheck Gore.

But to see this new Gore is in itself an extraordinarily positive and encouraging thing. "Political will," he tells us, "is a renewable resource," and An Inconvenient Truth is like striking oil unexpectedly. We may well be at a tipping point of a climate crisis, barreling toward catastrophe. Or, if Gore can translate his stunning new political-is-personal power into an environmental philosophy that motivates the public, perhaps we’ll tip over into a new paradigm for treading, as a global civilization, more softly upon the Earth.

Go see this film..and read about it here and then sign up here

OK..yes..info about my knee, my trip to Emeryville AGAIN, and the LiveStrong Challenge Ride will be forthcoming..though only 1-2 people read my blog anymore :|

The Kentucky Fried Bowl of Salt

2006-07-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

What is it about KFC’s mashed potatoes that make people crave them more than is usual for that sort of thing? We all know they are not real, and we all know that chicken gravy is not really that color, but I eat ‘em, you eat ‘em, and now the chicken wizards have managed to design an entire meal-in-a-bowl around them. I was watching the commercial late at night and was admittedly intrigued/repelled by the idea of chicken, mashed potatos, corn, gravy and cheese all in the same ‘lil plastic bowl. Seeings how I go to KFC about once a decade or so, I thought I was due.

I took a turn through the ass-numbingly long line at the drive-thru (apparently their current bucket of legs and thighs special is quite popular) to receive my prize, and what I got was a surprisingly heavy lidded plastic dish lined with steam. I dug in, and sure enough, all the layers were present and accounted for. The bottom layer of taters was delicious, and the corn was crisp and juicy. The combination of brown gravy and melted cheese blend was tasty, but I was surprised to taste that the chicken was the only downer. The generous portion of fried chicken strips was so damn salty that they may as well have taken a few chicken strips and rolled them in kosher salt, dipped them in breading, and then rolled them in table salt, and then sprinkled sea salt on the finished product. Unlike my good friend Allen, I am not a huge salt person. I put some of that hand harvested French sea salt stuff my wife gets on a sandwich now and then..but thats about it. Lucky for me, the cashier screwed up the rest of my order, and so she gave me a free Coke to rehydrate my inert body. The sum up goes as follows: taters heavenly, corn delish, gravy/cheese slurpy good, mini salt licks bad. If I were judging this bowl on Poultry Star Search, I would give it three out of four chicken wings.

Strangers With Candy and Wordplay

2006-07-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have seen a few good movies this summer, and since I generally prefer independent/small release films, I decided to share two reviews with you guys.

Strangers With Candy

Jerri Blank is a 47-year-old ex-con junkie-whore, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a heart. When Jerri (the incomparable Amy Sedaris) and her impressive overbite return home from a 32-year prison stint, she finds her dad (Dan Hedaya) has lapsed into a "stress-induced" coma, which his faithful doctor (Ian Holm) believes is irreversible. Unless, that is, Jerri can pick up her life where she left off: returning to high school and becoming "the good girl she never was and never had any interest in becoming."

Sedaris plays Jerri as a hyper-sexualized woman-child with lecherous tendencies and no understanding of personal space. With '70s-style velour pants hugging her ample bulges in all the wrong places, zero social grace and a mouthful of truly appalling teeth, Jerri is hilariously oblivious to her own lack of appeal, which, of course, makes her enormously appealing. And while comedy may be the most subjective of all movie genres, I feel enormously confident saying this: "Strangers With Candy" is easily the wittiest, most ridiculous and possibly the best-written comedy of the year ("Thank You For Smoking" is the only other worthy contender which I may just have to buy on dvd). I normally don't commit this sort of thing to public forums, but there were several scenes that made me laugh so hard I would have snorted water/soda out of my nose, had I been drinking anything at the time.

When Jerri makes her decidedly non-triumphant return to Flatpoint High School, she's greeted by an array of characters. Again, fans of the show from Comedy Central will recognize many of their old friends, including the great and aptly named Onyx Blackman (Gregory Hollimon), who needs to impress two school board members (Allison Janney and Philip Seymour Hoffman) in order to secure "discretionary funds," which he has earmarked to pay off his gambling debts. How to do it? Two words: Science Fair.

Enter Mr. Noblet (Colbert), the closeted born-again Christian who "teaches" science from the Bible and whose ongoing tryst with art teacher Geoffrey Jellineck (director Dinello) causes him no end of psychic angst. This is unfortunate, given that he has no emotional impulse control. His students, including Jerri, respond to him, and to the other many, many dysfunctional faculty members, with poker-faced stares. Mr. Noblet is in direct competition--for principal Blackman's approval and Geoffrey's heart--with Roger Beekman, played with smarmy abandon by Matthew Broderick. (Mrs. Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, also makes an appearance as a guidance counselor who provides neither guidance nor counsel).

Unlike so many of the comedies released these days, this movie is very aware of its language, which is a strange thing to write about a movie that utilizes extensive bathroom humor. It's true, though: The script works in ways that are both broad and slightly elevated, and part of the joke is that it's assumed we're all elevated enough to get the references. Case in point: One of Jerri's best friends is named Megawatti Sacarnaputri. "Not THAT Megawati Sukarnoputri," he assures Jerri when they're introduced. Indonesian political dynasties were never so much fun.

Even if, by the movie's final 20 minutes, things start to slow down, it's impossible to hold a grudge. Sedaris is to be congratulated, not only for her tremendous bravery in the face of tough wardrobe choices but for sticking by Jerri for the past six years. That kind of commitment, just like really tight velour, looks good on everyone.

Wordplay

For fans of cute, fuzzy animals ("March of the Penguins"), musical prodigies ("Rock School") and adrenaline-pumping sports ("Murderball"), last year’s class of feature documentaries was nothing short of spectacular. And with the genre becoming more like your average Hollywood narrative with each successive year, it comes as no surprise that the first great documentary of 2006 – Patrick Creadon’s "Wordplay" – also trumps most Hollywood thrillers with its fast-paced, nail-biting journey into the crazy (and incredibly nerdy) world of crossword puzzle enthusiasts.

Whether or not you actually enjoy these types of puzzles is a moot point, really, since "Wordplay" will surely fascinate audiences of all skill levels, as well as those not even interested in the scholarly pastime. And just to be sure, Creadon has packed his 94-minute nerd doc with appearances by pop icons like comedian Jon Stewart, former President Bill Clinton, filmmaker Ken Burns, Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina, and lesbian-rock headliners, the Indigo Girls; all of whom share a passion for doing The New York Times crossword puzzle.

The film even kicks off with a brief biography of Times crossword editor Will Shortz, who, following a childhood obsession with puzzle-solving, graduated from Indiana University with a degree in Enigmatology – a self-created major focusing on the analysis of puzzles and codes. Four years later, Will founded the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament in Stamford, Connecticut – an event that still takes place today and also serves as the main backdrop of the film. Showcasing a handful of championship hopefuls, including twenty-year-old prodigy Tyler Hinman, Florida-based puzzle-maker Trip Payne (who also holds the title as the youngest winner of the event), seven-time champion Joe Delfin, perennial third-place everyman Al Sanders, and the wanna-be baton-twirling 2001 Crossword champ, Ellen Ripstein (whom I loathed from the first glance), "Wordplay" culminates at the 2005 ACPT where these five participants battle it out for top honors, amongst several hundred others.

Not since "Trekkies" has a documentary so brilliantly explored the world of nerds, but unlike the aforementioned, "Wordplay" has a much kinder eye for its subjects, and instead of satirizing them, is far more respectful of their (ahem) dorkier tendencies. In doing so, Creadon establishes a fantastic group of characters that the audience can indiscriminately root for; though younger viewers will undoubtedly cheer on frat boy Tyler as he strives to break Trip’s record. And though these puzzle-solving maniacs are the real stars of the film, Jon Stewart’s candid performance steals the show with hilarious remarks like "I’ll do the USA Today puzzle if I’m in a hotel, but I won’t feel good about myself" and a playful swagger that results in his decision to do the Tuesday puzzle, not in marker (as he originally jests), but in glue stick.

Luckily, "Wordplay" doesn’t require this sort of confidence to succeed. It’s already an exceptional piece of work that is both enlightening and an absolute delight to watch. And while it might not make you want to rush out to the nearest corner shop to pick up a copy of the latest Times, it’s something that every American should experience. Trust me, your brain will thank you.

I heartily recommend both movies; "Wordplay" for both a chuckle and just a fun and interesting documentary, and "Strangers With Candy" for a laugh-out-loud silly good time.

MmmMmmmm...corn snack...

2006-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

So I heard from a co-worker that Wild Oats has a killer treat, simply called "corn snack." (One thing I’ve always loved about the organic food industry is their penchant for the keep-it-real names for products.) I moseyed into the store, asked for the snack, and was led back to bulk foods. The bin was empty, indicating to me that, indeed, corn snack was popular.

The white trash woman at the counter had a backup box in the back, which she actually went and brought out and then promptly refilled the bin. I was in business. I also spied an interesting looking mix a few bins down, which was aptly named "chocolate nut crunch trail mix." I bought a quarter pound of both, and went home to watch Mad Max on tv and take my snacks for a test drive all the way to the Thunderdome. The trail mix was awesome, containing a generous blend of chocolate chunks, chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, chocolate and peanut butter coated raisins and nuts, almonds, peanuts and raisins. I am not huge into raisins, but it was working with this mix.

But the corn snack was something to write home about. It was like a hybrid mix of corn nuts and those yummy half-popped kernels at the bottom of the popcorn bag. They are absolutely addicting, lightly salted and crunchy as can be. By the time the movie was over, I realized that I didn’t need another hero, I only needed more corn snack. I went to the website to discover the purveyors of my favorite new snack, and it turns out a couple from the farmlands of Minnesota were working on a new ethanol fuel recipe in their kitchen when there was an explosion---their GLAD CORN® brand "A-Maizing Corn Snack" was conceived. And to my great joy and delight, corn snack comes in flavors like jalapeño, BBQ and cheddar. And the news that sent me over the edge? You can visit their website and get free samples!!! Plus they will tell you every single store in the entire country where you can get this tasty delight.

Enjoy!

Random funny articles and videos

2006-07-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if anyone has seen the commercial for Skittles, with the sheep-boys, but I love it. Everytime it comes in a movie theater, my wife knows I will crack up. The sarcasm is brilliant in it.

I was thinking about other rather odd and amusing combinations. One that I read about recently on ESPN's website, is the new sport of "Chessboxing". Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, two men face 11 rounds of alternating between chess and boxing. First off, I would love to see that, but I can just imagine the quality of chess in the 8th or 9th round. I am no Grand Master in chess, but can you picture Mike Tyson playing chess, especially after a few rounds of boxing?

"I like the horsey..I want to move it here by me.." etc. It would be a riot.

The other interesting and humorous thing I recently fo7und..was this video which is of a girl on the Maury Povich show..who is afraid of pickles. You NEED to watch this video. This isnt just "Ewww..they gross me out" or even "Get them the heck out of here"..this is crying, whimpering, running away like you saw the Blair Witch. Absolutely hilairous, in a wonderfully sick and twisted way.
Enjoy.

Chocolatey Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch

2006-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Cap’n Crunch. It’s a childhood favorite (not like my mom would ever let me eat the stuff though), while at the same time the bane of parents and general dentistry. These sweet, crunchy joy nuggets have added yet another flavor selection to their pantheon of amply-sweetened corny-oat classics.

I will admit I can be a sucker for most any new food or beverage. For example, I was the first person in my circle to try toaster pastries, I knew about those microwave crispy Ore-Ida fries before everyone else and I was eating Lunchables before they were cool (and lived to see the next day!). So when I caught wind that our buddies at Quaker Oats decided to expand on their staple peanut butter crunch, I was first in line to purchase a box of the new Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch.

I took my prize home and poured the first bowl with excitement brewing, while my stomach was preparing itself for the inevitable rush of sugar-coated carbs. I was not disappointed; the little round pellets alternated between slightly waxy chocolate coating and those nice dry peanut balls.

"Suck on my chocolate, salty balls, put ‘em in your mouth and suck ‘em and suck ‘em."

Who doesn’t love Southpark? Anyway, I was surprised to see that food technology has developed to the point that cereal coating no longer bleeds into the milk like it used to, and my 2-percent (normally I am a 1%-er, but they didnt have my brand!) was almost completely clear when the balls had been assimilated. Tasty? Oh Yeah. Good for you? Well...I scanned the ingredients (you all do it—admit it) where I found the predictable dose of coconut oil and buttpile of sugar, but also a weird aberration—blue #1 and #2, and red #40. The cereal is neither red nor blue, and I am always a little leery of anything that took 40 tries to get right. Buy them, but at least use the recommended skim milk to counter the sucrose dose.

Better than Bat Guano

2006-06-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hershey’s chocolate bars are the wakeup treats and according to one co-worker, thee PMS busters of all time. And they never really stop being creative with their product line, serving us up a couple new of chocolately creations every year. But, sadly, like any other creative tour de force, they blow out a couple of bombs here and there, and I would personally consider their new S’mores bar to be the ICBM dud of the year. I purchased the slightly undersized bar at a local gas station, and that first bite was painful. And not just because of the sugar. Ostensibly Hershey’s wanted to re-create the campfire taste that is the hallmark of bonfires everywhere, and they have failed at life. The bar is mostly nougat, punctuated with crumbs of a weird granola substance. No roasted marshmallow, no graham cracker goodness, and the chocolate coating is standard fare with nothing exciting.

I also tried the new white chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cups, and I was surprised to discover that aside from the pretty white cup, they did not taste one bit different from the original. Bummer. I actually dislike white chocolate, but thought..what the hell this time.

My third taste-test of the past week was the new limited edition Extra Crispy Kit Kat Bar. This one redeemed its two compadres, because if you are a Kit Kat fan, this scud’s for you. It was wonderfully crispy, with three times the wafer than the original. And instead of being the little break-away mini-bars, this one’s a big bar, leaving your digits clean at the end. I hope they decide to make sacks of these in minis. And, thanks to the information age, you can actually read the history of every single Hershey’s candy at their ample website. C’mon, what else do you have to do right now?

I am officially loving the Japanese!

2006-06-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Thats it. I am movingto Japan..and/or..finding some way to receive Japanese TV. The shows are 1000 times funnier than any American show.

Now, I know some of you didnt see the last one (a few entries back), which was worth the download and worth watching, if you enjoy laughing at all..and this one..while not quite as funny..still has potential. The idea behind it alone, is enough to get me to watch:
Its a game show where the players observe other Japanese men attempting to speak English. If the players laugh at the men they get their ass kicked. As dumb as this might sound, its hilarious to watch them get beat up. I love the idea behind stifling a lugh though..that, combined with painful torture as a penalty..makes for absolutely the best possible combination of tv.

Side note..there is some Japanese game show, where it looks like people get free blow jobs! And the entire FEMALE audience is cheering on the uh..contestants? I am not 100% sure of the "goal" per se..but that might be interesting to..err..be one of the volunteers on the male side of the equation.

Anyways..yeah..Japanese tv rocks. and yes..I will review food in my next entry.

Deep fried fun

2006-06-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well, as usual, I change my blog around..from doing book and movie reviews, to strange news stories, to just a weekly recap..to finally..food and restaurant reviews. So..here is another edition!

Deep fried fun … in a bucket! This week’s food is a trifecta of family meals in a bucket from our sea-faring friends at Fisher Boy, purveyors of fine fish sticks available over the grocery counter, without a prescription.

I’ll begin with the discovery. I was at the grocery store..well, ok, Target..trying to figure out what to buy besides some deodorant, and perhaps a tasty beverage, and as my wife has been working far too many late evenings..sometimes..ah..lets just say I..ahh get a bit lazy and dont want to cook up a nice chicken, cous cous, salad..etc.
So I was pawing through the freezer at the store, in search of a new treat, when lo and behold, I spotted a Happy Meal box off the starboard bough. It was a bright, attractively colored cardboard box, with a handle, that read in brilliant graphics Seafood Fun Bucket. NEATO!!! A bucket ‘o fish!!!

Later...
I opened the box to reveal three plastic bags, each containing portions of pre-fried, frozen nuggets. This was the spicy selection, so the goods were buffalo shrimp, "firecracker fries" and "macho nacho fish sticks." After a few minutes in the broiler, I sampled the suspiciously brightly-hued and tasty-smelling morsels.

The fries were the thin, flavored batter-dipped variety, and upon going cold quite quickly, were limp and chewy. The shrimp was pretty good, but hotter than Dante intended, so I’d use caution when serving them to children. The fish was really weird; the breading appeared normal, but the minced fish filling was the color of nacho cheese. They tasted rather like a Dorito; not bad, but last time I checked, fish outside of Chernobyl Farms aren’t supposed to be that color.

After a bit ‘o research, I found that the other Fun Buckets contain such tantalizing tidbits as "fishin’ rods," "potato blasts" and "mozza sticks." Would I buy this stuff? Short answer: no, but if I had kids, and was trying to fatten them up, probably. I would force them to have a glass of milk and a salad with it, though. I’m chocking them up to harried-family and single-guy food...of which I fall into the former this time.

Check out next week’s blog, when I answer the burning question: What’s up with all the freaky new candy bars?

Coke Blak

2006-06-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

Those crazy kids at Coca-Cola have manufactured for us, the adoring public, yet another carbonated gem with their new Coca-Cola BlaK, a diabetic coma in a bottle that’s being marketed under the clever ad slogan "Coke Effervescence with Coffee Essence".

Coke and coffee, huh? My initial reaction to this was "Wow! Internet dorks, Evercrack fiends and college students will get a new champagne." As usual, I was correct. Apparently at my work, the technical side of the branch (ie..internet dorks), were mainlining the stuff, and I broached a bottle with genuine interest mixed with trepidation. After all, I am still old enough to remember some scary dive bombs that both Coke and Pepsi have launched on our intestines in previous attempts at being hip and trendy.

Remember Surge? Nine years ago I remember ingesting a bottle of this and shaking for about two hours. Or how about "Kona," the coffee-based soft drink that never caught on, and was pulled off the market in 1996? So with this in mind, I drank.
I will admit that BlaK was not near as horrid as I thought it would be, but it was still a bubbly-molasses-bad espresso syrup that should only be used for dire emergencies. Neat little bottles, though, gotta admit.

I also heard through the grapevine that the Cokers are planning to market a new citrus soft drink called "Vault" to try and lure away Mountain Dew drinkers. Good luck guys, because as long as there are pot smokers, doin’ the Dew is a permanent thing.

Anyways..back to work..with a bottle of water.

Simply...ROFL

2006-05-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

If you remember some of my earlier posts about proper sushi etiquette and so forth, you'll recall that I love the Japanese culture..specifially, how hilarious they are unintentionally.
Well..this video is a full 10 minutes long, and well worth it.
It is a game show that takes place in a library in which the contestants suffer incredibly outrageous tortures, without being able to utter a sound (of laughter, disgust or pain..etc).
I was doing my best to keep silent at work while laughing my arse off watching it.

Chuck Norris vs. Robert DeNiro

2006-05-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris and Robert DeNiro. Walker and Travis Bickle. Without a doubt, the two most badassed people on the planet. Ok, maybe.
But who exactly is the #1 badass on the planet and who is #2? I have often found myself pondering that exact question. We all know the mythical powers of Chuck Norris with his arsenal of roundhouse kicks and his anti-drug themed episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. But then there is Robert DeNiro, with his mobster mentality and fine pistol whipping abilities. It's a very difficult decision, it really is. But it needs to be solved. None of the following points are made up even though they might seem too amazing to be true. But then again, nothing is as it seems when discussing... Robert DeNiro and Chuck Norris.

ROBERT DENIRO
DeNiro's parents divorced when his dad came out of the closet and then DeNiro dropped out of school to join a Little Italy gang (how adorable!) where he was known as Bobby Milk.

CHUCK NORRIS
Norris is almost 66 years old (3/10/40) and will still kick your ass (he was trained by THEE Bruce Lee). But chances are he won't become physical unless you kidnap his wife, threaten Dallas with nuclear weapons or mess with his partner, Trivette - then you really leave him no choice.
Point: Norris - he's old but still un-messwith-able.

ROBERT DENIRO
Best known for roles as gangsters and criminals. Embarassed himself as well as his career when he wore a fake breast in Meet the Fockers. His career is still going strong today with many new movies yet to be released.

CHUCK NORRIS
Best known as Cordell Walker in Walker, Texas Ranger. Always plays the role as a nice guy who kicks ass only as a last resort. There's really no low point in career as he retired undefeated as a World Middleweight Karate Champion. His cameo in Dodgeball, Total Gym infomercials, and his autographed photos being sold for only $107.95 on his official website will help put food on the table. And by "put food on the table", I mean "aid his probable steroid dependancy".
Point: DeNiro.

ROBERT DENIRO
Starred in Casino, where the word "fuck" was used 422 times. That's 2.4 times a minute.

CHUCK NORRIS
Won an award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the Best Christian Program. Never dropped a single F-bomb in any episode. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for the unrated episode to surface where Walker spends the entire episode in a strip club and then trips a waitress for not giving proper change.
Point: DeNiro.

ROBERT DENIRO
Portraying Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas, he beat a man to death in a bar and then chopped him up and buried him in the desert. In Casino, he had a man's hand broken with a hammer for stealing from his casino.

CHUCK NORRIS
Although he does dish out his fair share of leaping roundhouse kicks, Cordell Walker's Native American father (named Ray Firewalker, by the way) raised him well and he prefers a non violent approach.
Point: DeNiro.

ROBERT DENIRO
Set a world record for Most Weight Gained for a Movie (60 pounds for Raging Bull).

CHUCK NORRIS
Set a world record by racing a boat from Chicago to Detroit (605 miles) in 12 hours 8 minutes. Also taught karate to Bob Barker.
Point: Norris- his recreational activities include racing boats (a bit white trashy to me, but still fun)... across the Great Lakes and teaching martial arts to people who KO Happy Gilmore.

ROBERT DENIRO
Supported Gore in 2000. Supports Democratic party.

CHUCK NORRIS
Supported Bush in 1988. George W. Bush has said that Norris is his favorite actor. Point: DeNiro. Do I need to explain why?

ROBERT DENIRO
Turned down the role of Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ.

CHUCK NORRIS
Turned down part of the Sensei in The Karate Kid because it was too violent. Pu$$y. Point: DeNiro.

ROBERT DENIRO
Was raised Jewish and frequently plays Italian characters.

CHUCK NORRIS
Won a Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award... and isn't even Jewish.
Point: Norris.

ROBERT DENIRO
Very well known for his "You talkin' to me?" scene in Taxi Driver.

CHUCK NORRIS
Very well known for Walker, Texas Ranger including the theme song with lyrics such as "When you're in Texas, look behind you / 'cause that's... where the Ranger's gonna be". And judging from all of the unconscious bad guys, he was right.
Point: DeNiro - classic movie vs. 8 years of episodes = a slight advantage to Bobby D.

WINNER:
Robert DeNiro. DeNiro is the ultimate leader in general kickassery and isn't afraid to take roles because "they are too violent" like a certain martial arts star who's name starts with a 'N' and ends with an "orris". DeNiro will gladly beat anyone's ass without question. Sure, Norris can single handedly land an airplane by himself in the last season of Walker but one of DeNiro's movies influenced a man to try to assassinate Ronald Reagan so that Jodie Foster would like him. Completely insane? Yes. Does it show DeNiro's sheer power over the human race? Yes. Game over.

Many Mini Movie Musings

2006-05-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, I saw several movies recently..heres a quick snapshot for you guys.

1. The Da Vinci Code. I saw it Saturday evening with the wife after a long day working in the yard. They didnt overdo the special effects, and the acting was fine. They picked several good actors for the roles aside from Tom Hanks, including Jurgen Prochnow, an actor I liked from "Das Boot", as well as Ian McKellen, Audrey Tautou, Alfred Molina, Paul Bettany and Jean Reno. Paul Bettany did perhaps the best job, as Silas. There were certainly some cheesy moments, and they changed a few small things to not tick off the Christian right-wing as much. Pretty faithful adaptation, but the book is better..but I expected as much. If you have not read the book, I would read it first I think, but it's certainly worth seeing. I STILL think the information and evidence that is presented in this movie is VERY convincing as potential truth..but then again, I am also not religious, and not Christian either.

2. United 93. This was on tv!!! Seriously. On the History channel. Or Discovery or something. Anyways..it was very interesting, sad, and well-done. It really provides more of the craziness that went on at military headquarters and airport control, than possible scenarios in the flight. Our administration was in chaos..like pouring water into an ant hill..and all the ants come running out and around in circles and so forth. I learned a lot, and enjoyed the film, as much as one could enjoy a film about this subject.

3. Russian Ark. I understand you most likely have not heard of this. This is a Russian movie (big surprise) about the last 300 years of Russian history, and it all takes place in the Hermitage museum in St.Petersburg. I realize this sounds incredibly boring to 99% of you. The magic behind it, is that the ENTIRE 90 minute movie is done in ONE TAKE. There is no editing. If you are at all interested in filmmaking, cinematography, directing..etc..you have got to see this movie. The extras on the dvd that show how it was filmed from concept to reality is almost more interesting than the film however. Check out the trailer here.

4. Shanghai Ghetto. This documentary is about the Jews who fled and escaped to Shanghai, China during WWII. As my grandfather and his 2 brother were includied in that group, I wanted to see and learn more about that period in history. It was a bit slow (as expected), but very fascinating nonetheless.

5. Serenity. I saw the preview and thought, "what geek is going to see this piece o' crap?!". Well, I then heard how good it was, and being that I love sci-fi effects..(no, not Star Trek), I rented it. It was entertaining and funny, some cool effects and just..interesting. It was totally predictable and cheesy too. But hey..thats almost what Netflix is for. So if you loved "Starship Troopers", you might like it. And I did not know half of the history behind the film..I just took as it was. Worth wasting 90 minutes on, but not $10.

6. Thank You For Smoking. My wife had read the book, so she had several preconceived notions, but I had only gone by the previews, actors..etc. We both laughed out loud in numerous scenes, the acting and writing were solid and it was really good. It attacks both hand-wringing liberals, as well as the money grubbing conservatives, and is simply a brilliant comedy.

7, 8, and 9. MI3..I gave an encapsulation of this in my Vancouver, BC blog entry. V for Vendetta..I believe I briefly reviewed this when I was in San Francisco about a month ago. Inside Man..also a pretty good movie, and again, I thnk I mentioned this in my blogs from a few weeks ago as well.

Vancouver, BC

2006-05-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning my wife and I left for Vancouver about 8am. There was a decent amount of traffic at the border unfortunately, and we rolled into town around 1:30pm. We stayed at the Westin Grand on Robson. A great location, but a bit pricey with the extra taxes and parking fees. We walked up and down Robson Street the first day, looking in various stores, but we ended up not buying anything. We always try to find a xmas tree ornament from cities we visit, as well as a refrigerator magnet. We ended up finding both of them on Saturday. Anyways, tt started to rain, and it was humid, and ended up being the only day with poor weather.

I had made reservations for 7:15pm at CinCin, an Italian restaurant on Robson that I had read good things about online. We split a tiny salad, and I had a wood fired salmon dish that was quite good, but my wife ordered some chicken, that I tasted and was definitely the better of the two. It looked/tasted as though it was pan seared or fried for a minute and then slow roasted. It was definitely delicious. We were a bit tired, so after dinner we walked around a little more and then went back to the hotel.

Friday was a gorgeous day, and we walked to a funky little breakfast joint called The Elbow Room, where we had a huge breakfast, but it was amazing. I had some sort of shrimp, feta, bacon and other ingredients omelet. My wife had one called "The Hilary Swank", and I dont even recall what was in it, but it looked very good as well. I recommend that place. In fact..I think everywhere we ate, I'd go back to. So we walked down after breakfast to Yaletown a bit, but most of the stores were still closed, so we took a sea-taxi over to Granville Island to walk around. We stopped into an amazing farmers market, and looked at a lot of shops outside as well. After a couple hours, we headed back to Yaletown and perused some shops briefly before changing at our hotel and taking the bus up to Stanley Park. We rented some bikes and went around the park for a few hours. The park is incredible, and anyone who ever travels to Vancouver, should definitely rent bikes if the weather is permitting. There tons of trails through rainforests and giant trees, some beautiful stops to see amazing views of the city, a hidden aquarium, totem poles and more. It was perhaps, the best part of the trip. Certainly the most relaxing.
That night we went to a restaurant called Shabusen, on Burrard. It was teaming with people, and it was a shabu shabu type of environment. The food was pretty good..and we had an assortment of some sushi, bbq pork, chicken and beef, some tempura, and a few other goodies. I wouldnt say its a must-visit, and the service was mediocre, but a good place overall nonetheless. We were going to possibly catch a movie that night, but it didnt work out since we were tired and the timing was off. So we went into a bookstroe and some other shops and then went back to our hotel and went into the restaurant there for some coffee and dessert.

Saturday was again, a gorgeous day and we headed up fairly early to Grouse Mountain, hoping to stop at a local breakfast cafe type of place on the way, but found none. So we had some coffee and a muffin at a Starbucks. We had planned on hiking up Grouse Mountain, but we werent adequatetly dressed..and it looke dlike more of a 2 hour hike, than the 30 min-1 hour stroll that we were told. So we took the tram up (which was pricey). However, not only did we have some great views of the entire Vancouver area, but they had released 2 grizzly bears into their protected habitat and we were able to get about 5-10 feet from them. We saw them wrestling and walking around, bathing and having fun. My wife was loving it. It was definitely something special to see. After eating lunch and then heading down, we went on over to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. This looked exciting, but the bridge seemed pretty unstable and my wife was a bit scared, but we got across safely ;) We walked around the other bridges in the trees..it was quite cool. It seemed like the Ewok village. We went back to our hotel and then decided to go see a matinee of Mission Impossible 3. It was better than the last one, which I thought was horrible. There were some good moments and some bad ones, but it was cheesy light entertainment for a vacation. We got some shoes for my wife, cleaned up at the hotel, and then headed over to Feenie's for dinner. Rob Feenie is apparently some chef who beat Mario Batali in an Iron Chef competition. We split a prosciutto and spinach salad, which was simple to make and quite delicious. My wife decided on some pork loin, which looked good. After debating over a sablefish dish, I actually ordered a hamburger, which was supposedly one of the chef's specialties. I'd have to say, it was a damn good burger. Father's Office burger in Santa Monica is still superior, but this burger had an excellent cut of meat, and tasted quite good. It came with several dipping sauces for the fries..and the spicy mayo and the dill sauce were my 2 faves. We had planned on going to a chocolate place for dessert (Death by Chocolate), but instead my wife ordered a lemon-honey creme brulee, and I had a trio of fresh ice creams: wildflower-honey, strawberry orange blossom, and caramel-fleur du sel..all were excellent...though I was stuffed and could not finish it. Again, another restaurant I would certainly recommend for the decor, and food. Our waiter was amazing, but the front desk reservation guy was fairly rude. Oh, and there was a trillion hot chicks either dining there, or working there.

Sunday, again a perfect day weather-wise, and we were going to go over to Gastown, but kept hearing how it sucked, and as we walked in that direction, it looked like nothing special. So we went back over to Yaletown and bought some fresh pineapple, a large muffin, and some OJ and split that while sitting on some steps by their harbor. Everyone had their dogs out for a walk. We called our moms to wish them well on Mother's Day and then took a walk around the seafront and then back through some Yaletown shops. I had seen a restaurant on Rachel Ray's $40 a day, so we headed on over to the Sha-Lin noodle house on Broadway. She was on the money. We ordered some dragging noodles soup with chicken and veggies. The noodles were TERRIFIC. We also ordered some of their pan friend dumplings..which we saw several others eating. They were ENORMOUS. 12 were delivered. 4 were eaten. We took the other 8 back with us to Portland and I have 4 with me at work today. If we both end up with stomach aches..you will know why. Speaking of the drive back, we left about 2pm for Portland, and were stopped at 2:30pm at the border. We didnt proceed through until 3:25pm..it took that long. So plan ahead if you ever drive to/from Vancouver. Finally, we were on our way and made it all the way to Everett, WA before hitting traffic, but funny enough, there was hardly any traffic in Seattle. We made it home just before 8pm, did some unpacking and cleanup, and watched Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy, while munching on some homemade quesadillas.
I am sure I have left out many funny or interesting details about the trip..and I dont have any photos to share yet, so I included a bunch of links. But we had a really good trip, and cant wait to go there for the Olympics in 2010!

Training overload

2006-05-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been away from the blog. I was in training again last week (and next week I have another full week of it)...which explains much of my absence. Over the weekend I did some chores and errands, watched some basketball and relaxed as much as possible. It was not a super eventful weekend to be hones.t
Some ADT home alarm people came by and tried to sell us on a home securitry system. The system was all free, since we live on the corner and can do advertising for them..and its a pretty good deal to be honest, but we dont think we really need one, as our neighborhood is pretty darn safe. Plus, it was $40 a month for monitoring..and well..with other bills and payments, let al,one trying to save money, we just couldnt justify it.
Later this week I am leaving for Vancouver, BC, with the wife for a nice 4 day vacation.

During my sales training, we learned a buzzword that I think would make a good title for a Stephen Hawking book:
Scope of the Universe

There were a few other terms, in discussing some psychology terms that would make cool band names:
Gateways to Attraction
Intimate Terrorism
Crystallized Intelligence

Anyways..back to work..oh..and if you want to turn off the annoying music for the games, either refresh the blog, or click play to the squares game, lose quickly, and hit the music button. But I love that squares game. 109 squares is my best so far.

Denzel is a detective

2006-05-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

I just saw Inside Man, and it was a cool flick, but afterwards, I got to thinking about Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington has starred in a slew of movies over the last 8-10 years, some hits, some misses. But I found a common theme. He plays the role of a detective or military investigator in almost every single movie. These are the movies he has done over that timeframe where he has been in that role

Inside Man
Man on Fire
The Manchurian Candidate
Out of Time
The Bone Collector
The Siege
Training Day
Fallen
Courage Under Fire

If I go back another year, we can add "Virtuosity" to the mix. Go back another 2 years and "The Pelican Brief" is added as well.

I really like Denzel, but I think its time for him to expand his horizons a notch.

A new Costco scam!

2006-05-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your Windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely Tomorrow.

Stress Relief!!!

2006-04-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

A little letter to Trader Joe's

2006-04-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

Note: Some of you in will not understand this..but its a small grocery store chain in about 20 states.

Sorry Joe, it's not you, it's me.

No, no... that's a lie. It's you, and the other people you've been seeing.

When we first started seeing each other things were great. I loved you for your tasty and unique variety of frozen snacks, sauces and dry goods. I was never so happy as when I was sipping a glass of your shockingly inexpensive chardonnay or tasting a wonderfully decadent miniature dessert. It never bothered me that your pleasantly hippy exterior was just a transparent cover for your low-grade snob appeal and nagging need to be trendy. I admit, it really attracted me in a forbidden way - I'm also an elitist ass and couldn't come to terms with my desire to be cool.

But those feelings are gone now. When I see you now all I can remember are the awful battles to get through your cramped little parking lot, the eternally long lines and the other obnoxious shoppers you insist on seeing.

Specifically, I can't handle you seeing these people:

The parking lot meanderers - I understand that you're not in a hurry. And, truthfully, I don't HAVE to be anywhere urgently either; but I would much rather spend my time doing something I enjoy than waiting for you to cross the parking lot crosswalk with all the speed and alacrity of a palsy patient in a tar pit. Also, walking down the middle of the lane while the cars behind you move at your strolling pace isn't helping anyone. Please, just get in your damn Volvo station wagon (or since I am in Oregon now, a Subaru Outback) parked diagonally into 2 lanes and go home, someone there may just appreciate you getting in their way. I don't.

The faux-wine snob - You would almost entertain me, if I didn't despise you. I'm glad that you like to flash your platinum card while buying a few bottles of overpriced wine that you scrutinized for 15 minutes while I ignoring my polite requests to be 'excused' and allowed to pass you in the wine aisle. Perhaps I should give you a cheat sheet which could make your wine shopping a little easier. Here are the tips you need to know:
-Joe's is great for inexpensive wines. Charles Shaw is really a wonder of the free market. Remember, you don't get to drink the price tag.
-No one is impressed by pretention. Also, for future reference, Neitzche doesn't rhyme with "peachy."
-That bottle of Sutter Home you considered for it's "earthy tones?" You can buy that at Safeway. Also, "earthy tones" means that it tastes like dirt.
-The expensive wines are just there to make you think that the selection is "great." Those are decent, but incredibly overpriced bottles for people with money who can't tell the difference. Wait... sorry, that's for you. Would it be easier for you if they just labeled them with your name?

Anyone buying organic pet food - Have you watched your dog lick his own balls lately? or chew the shit out of a piece of colored rubber lately? They don't care if their food is organic, they just want to eat a lot of it and then shit it out in the overgrown grass so you have to scoop it up. Seriously, watch how happy they are the next time you scoop up their shit for them.

The guy buying frozen vaccuum packed Atlantic salmon - You're truly the antithesis of the Wine Snob, you are the guy who doesn't appreciate what he has or could have. You live in the perhaps greatest seafood city in the world. If you're snobby enough to shop at Trader Joe's you can suck it up and spring for something good from a real fish market.

The people lingering at the free samples counter - Sadly, Trader Joe's was designed by a sadistic freak who placed the sample counter at the narrowest and most highly trafficked point of the store, creatingly a painfully constipated shopping sphincter. There's no avoiding the poor design, but must you linger for minutes at a time savoring every crumb of your shitty little want-to-be-DiGiorno pizza. If you do find it necessary to stand there and not step out of the way I promise that I will also find it necessary to jab you in the kidney as I squeeze through.

Whoever decided to discontinue the Trader Joe's peanut butter Oreo knock-offs - How can there be any value to life in a world without those wonderfully tasty treats?

The "Everything here is so cheap!" people - Obviously there was no math requirement at your liberal arts college. Either that, or you can't be honest with yourself through your haze of liberal guilt over your trust fund. Get over it and admit that you're a snob who doesn't really care if they pay a little more for something they like, or shut up and shop at Safeway.

I'm sorry Joe, I just can't go on living a lie. If you can't change, or stop seeing other people then I have to end it.

Airport woes part deux and the weekend

2006-04-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome back faithful listeners...we last left our able-bodied adventurer stuck in Emeryville with his friend Natasha on a late Wednesday evening...let's tune in.

Well, Thursday was fairly uneventuful..but it was a marathon training session and Thursday evening my fellow trainees and I went to PF Changs and blew our per diem on some Kung Pao and alcohol. I got back a bit late, caught the tail-end of Survivor, as well as American Inventor and fell asleep sometime in the 10 o'clock hour trying to watch "Constantine", but it seemed like it was sucking hard and I passed out.

Friday was my final day of training, and we had an exam. Of course I passed this lame test, and then one of my co-workers drove me to the airport. My flight was due to leave Oakland at 6:30pm, and I got there about 4:30, so I bought a Coke Zero and tried working on some sudoku. Then I hear the message "Alaska Airlines flight 123..."..yeah..is delayed. The plane had mechanical difficulties and was stuck in Orange County. It should be in Oakland around 7pm. Sigh..fine. So I went and got a sandwich, watched some hockey playoffs (I could care less about hockey, but...) and then went back to the gate around 6:45pm. Apparently another flight was leaving from the same gate at 7:10pm for Portland..not my flight..but it was full.
I put my name on standby.
7:10pm, they call my name..to tell me I didnt make it..Completely full. I slink back to my seat.
Another announcement..my flight is still in the OC, and should be here closer to 8:45 or 9pm, departing around 9:30pm. Annoying as all hell.

Anyone remember my airplane woes in Minneapolis last June??? Its in the archives about "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Yet another announcement..anyone who has NOT checked in a bag, can take a shuttle to San Francisco and hop another flight leaving at 8:50pm to Portland. I, of course, have checked in my bag...and it was already en route to Portland, as it made the flight leaving at 7:10pm.
Another announcement about 8pm..anyone can take the shuttle to SFO. So, its a 45 minute ride from Oakland airport to SFO, its 8:15pm, and the flight is supposed to leave at 8:50pm..interesting. So a bunch of us cram into some vans and we book on over to SFO. I ditch my fellow shuttlemates and go as fast as I can through security, the terminal, to the gate and sit in my seat with 2 minutes to spare, when there is an announcement that they are going to leave at 9:05pm..and then another at 9:15 that they are leaving at 9:45pm. This is no joke. I am pretty sick of sudoku about now. Not to mention airplane malfunctions and delays.
We finally lift off at 9:50pm, and after an hour or so, landing, grabbing my bag thats just sitting out for any putz to take, waiting for the shuttle, taking the shuttle to my car, and driving home, its 11:45pm and I am whipped. My wife had worked a really long day herself and needless to say..we did not have sex.

That last statement was rectified on Saturday. Ahem. In fact, it was a gorgeous day on Saturday, and we spent about 5 hours doing yard work as well. I got sunburned too. I cannot say that too often in Portland. Saturday night we went to our neighbors for a BBQ, and had some tasty salmon, baked potato, salad, garlic bread, margaritas, and ice cream and brownies. Later, we watched "Good night and good luck", which was excellent.

Sunday, my wife had to work from about 1-10pm (but got home closer to 11). I did some errands in the morning and came home and had lunch, watching the Lakers play a pretty decent game, but lose to the Suns in game 1. Crap.
I went out for a bike ride, because it was a gorgeous day, and rode about 10 miles. I was pretty beat coming home, as it was the uphill part of the ride, and against the wind too. But it was worth it. I gotta train for the Lance Armstrong ride that none of you suckers have donated to.
Not much else was accomplished the rest of the day except some chores and I watched The Sopranos of course.
The wife finally got home, beat as all get out, and we went to bed about 11:45pm.
Back to work. Yippee.

Going back to Cali..and..FINALLY

2006-04-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of entries..I have been busy with work and the wife out of town.
So..the latest updates are as such:

My wife went to California to see family and friends for Passover and Easter and a vacation in general; she needed it and deserved it..and we both would have gone, but 2 things prevented us: my job, and our dog. At only 9 months, we did not want to kennel him for 4 days or so. As it turns out, I had a business trip scheduled while she was in California, unbeknownst to me, so we had to kennel him regardless.

Ok..so lets go back in time. Our 3 year anniversary was Wednesday night (April 12th), and we had a great dinner and time together. Thursday, Audra left for California and I went to work as normal. The rest of the week was fairly uneventful, spending time with Maximus, doing chores, went out to lunch with my friend Allen, watched "A History of Violence" (thumbs down..a little slow and boring, but well acted and a few good action scenes) on Netflix and did some cleanup and such.

Sunday, I went to Dawn and Darby's in the afternoon for an Easter dinner. Yes, this Jew went on over and sat with the goy for dinner. They asked me to bring Maximus along..which was good for him to interact with new people, other dogs and so forth..but their daughter ended up feeding him a lot of food he doesnt normally eat..and come Monday, Maximus got sick and had the runs all over the house. This was, of course, 5 minutes before I had to take him to the kennel and before I had to head to the airport for a flight to Emeryville, Ca for training. Less than pleasant. Maximus looked so sad too, knowing he had done something wrong. I was not mad at him of course..I felt bad for him. He had been batting 1.000 though at potty training, so now he is less than perfect. Argh. :)

So..I flew to Emeryville (near Oakland/SF) on Monday afternoon..which was stupid since my training started Tuesday morning, and they flew me out at 2:30pm. Needless to say, I got to my hotel by about 5pm and killed the rest of the evening by hanging out at a Barnes and Noble and then seeing "V for Vendetta" (I enjoyed it actually, but it was totally predictable).

Tuesday, my training began and it was pretty boring for the most part, but the instructor, who is a dead ringer for a gay Michael Stipe, tried his best to make things reasonably fun. The other people in the class were friendly as well.
The evening was the best part of the day because FINALLY, after about 5 or 6 years of talking to Natasha online, I met her for the first time, for dinner. Yes yes, before you all ask, my wife knows about her..shes just a friend. There is no romantic interest on either side, just a mutual fondness for each others humor and insight. She also has a blog here (but rarely posts anymore) and sometimes comments as well, and she is the one who made me go to myspace and so forth.

So on Tuesday she drove up from San Jose and she picked me up at my hotel about 7:15pm and we went to San Francisco. She drive us to a restaurant called Cafe Lulu and we split some anitpasti (several cheeses, leeks, salmon and other goodies) and then split some Seared Ahi Tuna and other miscellaneous items on the plate which I cannot recall. Then we went to North Beach and went into some Italian bakery for espresso, canolis, tiramisu..etc. Natasha apparently has a very big sweet tooth, since she mentioned that she might want to take me to a place called "Bittersweet" on Wednesday. After the coffee, we just walked around North Beach for a while and she took me home about 11:15pm. I watched some Letterman and went to bed about 12:30am.

On Wednesday, the training was not any more..or less..interesting and Natasha also came up again form San Jose (a good friend, huh?) and we went to Japantown in San Francisco for some sushi. She thought it was terrific, but being the sushi snob that I admittedly am, I thought it was mediocre at best. Still, anytime I can eat sushi, especially on per diem, and with good company, I cannot really complain. A funny thing that I am sure she didnt want me to mention was that we were trying to figure out what some of the rolls were going by on the little sushi boats. Well, one went by and she said she thought it was an "enema sushi". She could not remember the word "sea anemone". It was funny and I told her she would be mentioned in my blog for that one. Her revenge was that she took some funny photos of me that I am sure will be on her blog shortly.Maybe I ought to mention that Natasha is Russian, and while her English is almost perfect, she occasionally uses a word incorrectly or struggles to find the correct word and sometimes something cute like that happens. That said, I only know about 10 words of Russian..so, I cannot really talk smack. After that, we walked around some shops in Japantown, including a great bookstore, and then went over to Union Square to walk around and to some restaurant for another canoli and a cappucino...I forget the name..Kotell's perhaps (Bittersweet was closed for the night). She dropped me off at my hotel around 9:45pm and I passed out watching tv around 10:30.

We had a good time and I hope she can come up to Portland sometime to visit the city and my wife and I. She had mentioned she will have her own cooking show featured on tv soon, called "Natasha Eats", so be on the lookout for it..and you can see one of her quick recipes on her myspace account, her blog or on "YouTube".

I go back to Oregon on Friday night, after not seeing my wife for about 9 days and my dog for 4-5. I look forward to both very much.

Talk to you all soon!

Ps - Laura..I just won my fantasy basketball pool :)

Sorry XericX

2006-04-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe only Eric and Laura will care about this post..but whatever..

Kobe with 50 points
Odom with a triple double
Kwame..yes Kwame with 20 and 10

That has got to hurt the Blazers

:D

Anime vs Sir Mix-A-Lot

2006-04-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

There is some slight cartoon nudity for you prudes (or people browsing at the office) out there.

Do you have it in you?

2006-04-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

I got some of this from another website and found it funny (and of course had to add some of my own commentary). Much of it seems true.

Have you ever pulled a joke on somebody, but you could never tell them about it because it was a prank so foul, so degrading, so truly evil...that revealing it would have had dire consequences? Like maybe spitting on someone's food or stealing the Playboy they kept under their mattress during puberty for emergency masturbatory purposes? (And yes: I'm talking to you, Mike Adato, you thieving bastard!)

Sure you have. We all have. But this isn't the place for confessions, so please don't flood my inbox with comments about how you replaced your sister's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. If we really cared about your life, I'd call myself "Dear Abby," and I would suck.

No, today I want to expose the conspiracy that has been perpetrating the public for the past few decades. I first discovered this dastardly plot back in high school, but just like when you accidentally walked in on your parents/sister/roommate having sex -- ugly, sweaty, disgusting sex -- I haven't had the courage to talk about it. Until now.

So let's begin. Please look at the following image and tell me what you see.

Not sure? Okay, look more closely. Much more closely...

Okay. If you said anything other than "penis," then you're either a liar, a eunuch, or a Gatorade employee trying desperately to hold onto your job. Because it is, in fact, a Gatorade bottle:

How is it that no one else has ever brought this up? The bottle that contains the most popular sports drink on the planet looks like a big, thick, throbbing penis, from the clearly defined and strangely textured head to the perfectly tapered shaft. The only thing missing are a few well-placed veins. Of course, the Gatorade apologists could argue that the male penis comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, many of which are strange and asymmetrical. The Gatorade bottles, on the other hand, have standard sizes and are all perfectly proportional. To which I say: whatever.

Experience the bolder taste...of fruit-flavored cock.

Maybe it's all a simple misunderstanding. Maybe nature figured out billions of years ago that the penis was the perfect fluid dispenser, and now people are just unconsciously copying that design. I mean, the phallic shape is everywhere: pencils, missiles, rocket ships, skyscrapers, mustard containers, hot dogs, baseball bats...the list could literally go on and on. So sure, perhaps the penis is the perfect shape for just about anything. But that still doesn't explain the overt and obvious sexual connotations in ads like this:

Come on, now. I've seen porn that isn't this blatant.

I just can't accept the idea that this is just a coincidence. There's no way. Which brings me to the conspiracy part. Why do I think it's a conspiracy, you ask? Think about it. You take the world's premier sports drink and package it inside a giant penis-shaped thing, and you know what happens? Every macho stud, every muscular he-man, every guy who takes his masculinity just a little bit too seriously...at some point is going to put a cock in his mouth and suck. That's right. Because no one drinks Gatorade out of a cup, and you have to actively squeeze on and suck out of the bottle to get the drink to dispense as fast as you want it.

Are you still a doubter? Do you think I'm overreacting, or, at worst, just making up wild stories? Fine. Believe what you will. But before you make your final decision, consider this screen capture from an actual Gatorade advertisement that ran during a televised basketball game this season:

Under a black light, Gatorade looks just like...well, you know.

Uh huh. The Gatorade people are all but rubbing our noses in it. You know somewhere there are several rich men sitting in a board room and laughing like Dr. Evil every time they watch Michael Jordan give a big, sloppy blow job on national television. Gatorade commercials tend to feature our best athletes, whether male or female, and they all without exception show said athlete slurping down nutritious, electrolyte-laden fluids straight from the universal life source. Sometimes they pour it all over themselves, bukkake-style, and, for God's sake, they even sweat it out of their very pores (as exampled above). Few men are as homophobic as professional male athletes, and few women are as liberated as professional female athletes, and we get to see them all play the bitch to a giant phallic symbol, again and again, on national television. Gatorade's tagline "Is It In You?" should probably be changed to "Is It Thrusting Hard And Deep Into You?".

And if you think about it, the joke is really never-ending. I, for one, will never be able to watch someone drink Gatorade without wincing, laughing, or both (probably both). Need proof? Go do a Google/Yahoo/AltaVista image search for Gatorade. Come on..go do it. I am not gonna post all the rather..INTERESTING..phoitos that will pop up.

It seems like our whole society is preoccupied with the male penis. And this isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen an Ancient Egyption obelisk? Ancient Greek and Roman columns? Weapons like the sword and spear were specifically designed for quick, powerful thrusting. I guess the major difference between the ancients and us is that, back then, phallic symbols were reserved for things like art, war, and architecture. Now they're used for everything from flying into space to replacing the complex carbohydrates we lose while running a marathon.

And so we have the Gatorade bottle. So much of the advertising for this stuff centers around "increased stamina" and the ability to "last longer" in sports and other activities. So maybe it's just natural that the vessel for this amazing concoction would be the living symbol for strength and endurance. And the best part is, Gatorade turns sticky when it dries, just like..well..you know. So the Gatorade people have done everything they can to rehydrate us while using the most powerful and lasting icon in the history of mankind.

And if this is all just some whimsical flight of fancy on my part, then I can only offer my most sincere apology. But if you're ever caught away from home without your favorite sex toys, and you need a little help "getting the job done," you can find Gatorade almost anywhere anything is sold. I'm just sayin'.

W T F

2006-03-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

This has GOT to be fake.

From eKantipur.com

Bizarre baby born in Dolakha

By Rajendra Manandhar

Charikot, Dolakha, March 29 - The birth of a bizarre-looking baby in Charikot, the headquarters of Dolakha district, on Wednesday, drew a huge number of onlookers to witness the astonishing sight.
The neck-less baby with its head almost totally sunk into the upper part of the body and with extraordinarily large eyeballs literally popping out of the eye-sockets, was born to Nir Bahadur Karki and Suntali Karki at the Gaurishnkar Hospital in Charikot.

The Karki couple is a permanent resident of Dolakha’s Bhirkot VDC.

The bizarre baby, however, died after half an hour of its birth, Suntali, the mother, informed. It was taken to the hospital after its death.

The news about such a baby being brought to the hospital spread like wildfire and there were hundreds gathered at the hospital to have a look. The police had to be deployed to control the crowd.

“We wouldn’t have been able to save it, even if it had been brought here alive,” said a nurse attending to the mother at the hospital, “This is an extremely abnormal case.”

The “baby” weighed 2kg at birth and was born after the normal nine-month gestation period.

Suntali, already a mother of two normal daughters, was not suffering from any illness during the pregnancy.

Nir Bahadur, the father, says he does not feel any remorse for the newly-born baby’s death. “I am happy that nothing happened to my wife,” he said.

Ready for the pics?

Word Cloud

2006-03-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

This is a cool idea from Lorena. You can go to this site, and they will take random words from your blog and make it into a "word cloud" (see above) and you can buy it on a shirt if you want.
Well..I dont think I am gonna buy it on a shirt..but its a cool idea and you can make some sort of cool art with it.

Spiffy.

Miscellaneous musings

2006-03-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts from the last few days include

-Am I a speed-reader, are the training manuals at my job really boring, am I simply already knowledgeable of the material, or am I pretty smart and the material is pretty obvious and self-explanatory? I am going with the last choice for obvious reasons, but I am sure I'll get some sort of smarmy response, most likely from Ragazza or XericX.

-Am I addicted to the net? This partly goes with the first thought above..but I seem obsessed checking various websites for news and sports scores and my email and so forth. Why can't I ever work for more than say..4 or 5 hours..without spending 5 minutes checking something online? Now..working for 4 hours and wasting only 5 minutes online isnt really "bad" in my view..but I wonder why I cant work a full day without "sneaking off to the net"...

-I hate loose ends. I ordered a cd, a dvd and uh..a nose hair trimmer..on Amazon. YESTERDAY. I want them NOW. Not because of a jungle of nose hair thank you..I just hate waiting and wondering for something to be delivered and come to a satisfactory resolution so I can wipe it off my mental "to do" slate. Drives me nuts.

-Why am I a GUY in that, I love my wife more than anything, but everytime a new girl comes in to fill out some sort of application here, and happens to be cute, busty, friendly..etc..I keep peaking over at her? It isnt like I would ever do anything. I hate being a guy sometimes. I feel like its WRONG..but I guess it is encoded in my DNA. Living in Santa Monica, as opposed to Portland was worse..far too many attractive women there shopping, jogging..etc.

-My friend at work let me borrow a couple of his Japanese movies (not anime); "Gozu" and "The Audition". I started watching Gozu. It was far too weird for me (I am NOT into David Lynch type of stuff) and after 20 min I fast forwarded and watched another scene..and then skipped ahead again..etc..needless to say the next day at work, I told him I thought it was really weird and didnt understand it, but it was cool. Why did I sorta lie? Am I just trying to make friends and be liked?

-I love my dog but he is taking up so much energy and time I worry I wont be a good father when the time comes, because I'll lose my patience or be out of energy or something..and that Ill spend so much time with our child, that Ill either perform poorly at work, or neglect my wife or something.

-Coke Zero is pretty good. My friend Eric said Sprite Zero is good..but I have yet to try it.

-I would love for it to be sunny for a couple weeks straight so I can mow the lawn, fix the fence and take care of a few things in our yard. Everything is so mushy.

-I need to win the lottery. Or inherit 4.6 mil from some great aunt living in Transylvania.

-I wish I had the time to just..1. read all the books I have at home that are waiting to be read 2. listen to all the mp3s I have downloaded to decide if I like them enough to keep and burn 3. go out and see a whole bunch of movies and see a bunch from my netflix queueueue 4. sleep 5. travel to China, Japan, New Zealand, Australia, Czech Republic, Russia, Israel..since I've not been to them before..and then to visit Italy, Germany and Austria again. Might as well add visit my friends in NYC and LA.

@%&*!

2006-03-27T10:06:00.000-08:00

I got UCLA to beat Memphis. I lucked out unbelievably when George Mason beat UConn. All I needed was Villanova to beat Florida and I would have won ~$750.

@%&*!

Now I just gotta pray that George Mason beats Florida...which I would have done anyways. If so, I think theres a chance I might get 2nd place...which would be about $250 bucks.

ARGH

Cheddar

2006-03-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

Pray for Villanova to win, and hopefully U Conn to lose..if so, I am looking pretty darn good to win about 750 bucks in a March Madness pool.

Prediction: They both win and itll come down to next week's game.

Ive been tagged again; I am "it"

2006-03-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

Agnes tagged me..so I have to come up with 6 random habits or something about myself.

So uh..ok.

1. I am obsessive compulsive about certain things: I like to have backups of products..usually thats personal care stuff, like extra deodorant, toothpaste, razors..etc..but sometimes it rears its head into cereal, canned goods..etc

2. More OCD/anal issues: my wife always uses the shampoo and other products in the shower and never closes the tops of the bottles. I always close them..I have no idea why. I think it looks cleaner, perhaps it keeps some water out, and no evaporation of the moisturizer or shampoo..whatever.

3. I really do not like valet parking and will park a few blocks away in order to save $5 or whatever. This was more prevalent in LA, than Oregon. But the best example was they have a valet at Chevy's Mexican restaurant. CHEVY'S. For about 3 or 4 bucks. Sorry, but for one, I can park my own car, especially when its only 5 feet away from the entrance. For 2..sorry, this isnt the Bel Air Hotel..its CHEVY'S.

4. I am your movie life line. That is, if you are ever on some game show, and a topic about a movie, actor, etc comes up, and you dont know the answer..call me. You stand a good chance of me being able to answer it for you.

5. Dont even attempt to beat me at either of these games: Trivial Pursuit (I am so full of random useless facts its well..annoying) and the old Sega Genesis game console's NHL Hockey from 2001, 2002 or 2003. There is some stat in the game that records the audience's cheering decibel level. I broke the record set by the publishers. I scored over 30 goals in one period. I am so cool.

6. I will usually try to leave a tip that is one cent more than you if I am splitting a bill with you at a restaurant. Its just a joke thing, but its become a funny habit with a couple friends.

People I am tagging:

-my wife (wont even read this for about 6 weeks)
-Ash
-Ragazza
-Natasha
-Xericx

I dont know if I have any other consistent readers anymore..and Big Dubb doesnt even blog anymore.

yeah yeah..

2006-03-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

Well..ok..so I have been lax on this thing. I started a new job (I have been given this nice executive office, window, 26th floor..snazzy. I better prove I deserve it!) so thats been keeping me busy, plus March Madness is on..my favorite time of year for sports, plus Ash tried to fix (but only partially fixed) my template..and I dont like errors or unfinished things, plus my dog has been keeping me ultra-busy, plus my parents were up here for about a week, plus I have been doing yard work with my wife..yanking out bushes and stuff..etc..so umm..yeah..I exist :)

not much else to report..no new books or movies to review, glad Sopranos is back on, we have had mostly nice weather, glad to be out of my old job, and went to Cirque Du Soleil on sunday evening asn a surprise for my wife..it was amazing as usual (I have been to about 5 or 6 performances..this is her 2nd).

I'll get back to blogging more soon!

ps - I am NOT trying to call you out Ash! :) And yes, Agnes, we will have to meet up for lunch..and no, Natasha, msn messenger isnt on my machine..dunno if I can get installed..and they apparently frown upon personal email here. $@#%!

The last day...phew

2006-03-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

Well, today was my final day at my job. I decided to pack it in, and move on to another job. I had known for nearly a year, that this was not the right place for me, but I decided to at least give it a full year to see if the situation improved.

It had not.

A friend of mine from the company left nearly a year ago and tried to recruit me to his firm, but that did not present itself as the best solution for me. I had resigned myself to sticking with the job until the new year..and soon thereafter I made a strong push to find a new job. Well, after 5 interviews and a trip to seattle over President's Day to meet withthe Senior VP, the one I most wanted was offered to me about 8-10 days ago, with a more than decent jump in pay, and offering much more support, training and credibility..so I took it.

There are always a few drawbacks; I now to have actually commute to downtown instead of a quick jaunt. Also, after about 12-18 months on the job, my pay gets chopped nearly in half, with the expectation my commissions will more than amply make up the difference and more. and of course..I have to dress a tad nicer..though I personally believe that you work harder and act more professional if you dress the professionally..artists and other professions are exempt from this rule of course.

Of course, my current (former) employer did not take too kindly to my 2 week notice, and I was cut early (ie..this Friday instead of next week). It is odd, but I could have certainly performed my duties with no conflict, but no worries. They were friendly about it otherwise and everyone wished me well. I certainly bear no ill will to them..they simply do not offer the growth I am looking for, as well as the financial opportunities that I need in life.

I now have next week off to finally tackle my exponentially growing tower of paperwork, as well as watch March Madness in peace...as long as Maximus acts like a good little gentleman and not the hol(e)y terror that he has in him. I did not typo that..he simply has managed to chew so many bits of clothes and items around the house..that well..he has put holes in things, to putn it mildly. Obedience training cannot come soon enough..as well as..oh..maybe some sort of age/maturity pill.
But..he is great, fun, makes us laugh and overall, is a fantastic addition to the family.

I dont know how to end this entry..so uh..

"fin"

Not so fearless Oscar Predictions

2006-03-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Best Picture:
will win - Brokeback Mountain
should win - Crash

Best Director:
will win and should win - Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain

Best Actor:
will win and should win - Phillip Seymour Hoffman - Capote

Best Actress:
will win and should win - Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line

Best Supporting Actor:
will win - Paul Giamatti - Cinderella Man (possibly not deserving for this picture, but definitely for American Splendor and maybe Sideways...so, a make-up award)
should win - maybe Jake Gylenhall - Brokeback Mountain..or Clooney for Syriana

Best Supporting Actress:
will win - Rachel Weisz - Constant Gardner
should win - Amy Adams - Junebug

Best Original Screenplay:
will win - Crash
should win - Crash

Best Adapted Screenplay:
will win and should win - Brokeback Mountain

Dissing your dog

2006-03-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

Some puppy humor, care of Will Ferrell

The last few days..

2006-03-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well, last week, my wife and I were supposed to go skiing during the weekend, but we have heard that its been pretty icy lately, so we postponed that. Due to lots of stress at work and some other issues, Audra wanted just to get the heck out of town for a day or two, so I quickly booked a bed n breakfast just south of Cannon Beach for Saturday night.
We went to the gym in the morning and then drove out there around noon. Instead of listening to music, I had brought along a cd of "Dane Cook" which my wife had not heard. He is a hilarious comedian, and it was a nice change of pace. Once there, we walked around the beach and town, not buying anything, and then down to the house..which was spectacular.
There was a wine and social hour from 5 to 6, and we met several other couples staying there, most of which were near our age. 2 couples we ended up "making friends with" and exchanging phone numbers, both of which live in Portland. They are both younger than us (makes me feel old), but were very cool and it might be fun to all meet for sushi or beers.
We went to a great dinner at the Wayfarer Inn and then back to the b n b.
Sunday we went down to Manzanita, but it was a cloudy day, and we just drove through it and then down the coast to Tillamook, and went to the cheese factory. We had some cheese samples and bought fresh ice cream too. I started feeling kinda sick, but made it through...and it wasnt sick fromd airy or anything. On our way back, we listened to Lewis Black, another comedian, and stopped in hillsboro at the World's Largest Costco.
We got home and relaxed and thats when I found the ad for the puggle on craigslist, and sent an email inquiry. The man answered and we exchanged a few emails and picked the little guy up on Monday afternoon when I went home sick.
I stayed home sick yesterday, and though I was truly sick, I probably could have made it into work. but I wanted to get healthy, and wanted Maximus to get to know me and his surroundings a bit too.
He does NOT listen to me or my authoritative voice (or my wife) when we want him to do certain things..but he is mostly a real little gentleman and is great when he is in his crate.
I did have to take him downstairs this morning at 2am to go eat..and again at 4 to empty the processed food..but he is adjusting to a new home and master and so forth..and hopefully will get more on a schedule soon.
This morning I went to work late and stopped by Petco first to buy him a water bottle thing that attaches to the crate. I ran home and attached it, showed him how to use it and he drank a bit from it..and then let him go outside to do his business and then I really had to get to work...and got in about 10am.
I have to admit, I am seriously hoping the little guy will be ok..drinking, eating from his little cup of food, and obviously mostly just snoozing. I know he will be insane when I get home and let him out..but thats ok. I just hope he survives the day ok, as both my wife and I had to work basic 8-5 types of shifts today.

:(

Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?!

2006-02-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

Please welcome Maximus to the family

He is an 8 month old puggle (half beagle, half pug), who luckily is potty-trained..though is not yet extremely obedient ;)
We got him off Craigslist..:)

Ummm..technical difficulties...

2006-02-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

Hrmm..all I did was add a couple links..and edit out a few others..and this garbage..so uh..please stand by..

No puggle

2006-02-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

I called the lady..her husband answered and simply said they were giving the lil guy to another family. No reasons/explanation given. They werent even going to ever tell me..how nice is that!?

Sigh.

I then found an ad on craiglist for a cute lil one..$1400..ugh. No thanks.

Long weekend...

2006-02-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well, my wife and I have been looking to get a dog for the last few motnhs. I hav ehad a dog since I was about 5, and miss having one up here. My wife only owned a pet for a few months in her life, as her folks never wanted one or allowed her to have one. Luckily, we are both avid cat-haters, so the choice of pet isnt a problem.

While I wanted a lab, or any of several other breeds, my wife was a bit more particular; it had to be small, non-shedding, good with kids..etc. We had settled on a puggle..which is a cross between a beagle and a pug. They are actually EXTREMELY popular now, and can go for upwards of $1200 or so..which is a bit too much for me. They also range from extremely pug looking, to very beagle looking..so its a real mixed bag there.
Anyways..we found someone willing to sell us one, last Christmas time, for about $800. All the plans were in place, she was simply returning from out fo town and we would make the transaction when she returned. The day before she returns, we get an email from her saying the airline wouldnt allow the dog on the plane (complete BS) and the deal was off. No other explanation. VERY WEIRD.
So that was kind of ok by us, since it was the holidays and expenses were high anyways.

Well, we decided to maybe adopt another dog in the alst week, through Petfinder, and we found a 1 year old puggle that we like. There is an application, which we filled out, and the lady came by with "Jake" on Saturday. Apparently there has been quite a demand for Jake, and she narrowed it down to 3 potential families for Jake, of which my wife and I are one. Luckily, he is only $300, and is about 95% potty-trained. He has all his shots and even has that computer chip implanted in case he gets loose. I guess we will find out later this week if we get him or not.
We could certainly get one for about $800 from a pet store when they come in, though we have heard nightmares that they are all from puppy-mills and have some issues..etc. Plus they arent potty-trained or anything.
On the other hand, each lil doggie needs someone to care for him, and that might be a way to get one, easy..if this deal falls through..since there does not seem to be any breeders I can find in Oregon, Washington or even Northern California.

So anyways..Saturday morning, we went to the gym for our spin class, then the dog lady came by, after which some friends of ours came over for dinner and drinks.

Sunday, my wife and I went to home Depot and bought a shower door (the master bathroom has the curtain which sucks), so we will install that in a week or two, once it arrives..etc. We did a few other errands, and saw "Match Point", which was pretty good, but a bit slow and could easily have dropped 15-20 minutes. Still, for not being a Woody Allen fan particularly, I did enjoy the plot, and the fact Woody was not in it, was a bonus. We did a few other errands, came home, played a board game (The 80s game) and BBQ'd corn and burgers for dinner, watched some Olympics and some other shows and went to bed.

Audra had to work Monday, but I didnt. However, I have been interviewing at a few other potential jobs, and one of them flew me up to Seattle for an interview on Monday afternoon. I think it went well, but I have had better interviews. This was the 5th at this place, and the other 4 went terrific. So, hopefully soon, I will find out some information..and if the money is right, the position and everything else works out, then I will have a new job in a few weeks or so. If I get the job, Ill explain everything in depth! Anyways..I caught an earlier flight back to Portland, came home, had lasagna with Audra and watched some tv, and went to bed.

The Olympics

2006-02-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

My wife and I both love the Olympics..Summer and Winter. Since my wife was once a championship swimmer, she really gets into watching the swimming events at the Summer Olympics. And since I was a teenager, I got really into skiing..and used to want to be a downhill skier. While I love to ski at incredibly fast speeds, I just never had the opportunity (or talent) to really be ultra-competitve at it, though I did race NASTAR many times and did well. And obviously my wife (and I to an extent) enjoy watching the figure skating, luge, speed skating..etc..thats going on now.

But it seems no one is watching the Olympics this year. The coverage is pretty poor as well, here in the USA at least. I checked the ESPN website and according to their polls, no one watched or cared about it last weekend. Which is too bad..I love the whole spirit of the games, and almost every event is exciting to me..I even got into "curling" once. Yes, I admit it.

The USA needs to market their athletes better. Sure, some of the teenagers know about shaun White, the "Flying Tomato", and maybe some if us know about Bode Miller...and Michele Kwan..and thats about it.

Do you guys recall Dan Jansen? Summer Sanders? Phil and Steve Maher? Mitch Gaylord? Lenny Krayzelburg? Those are only some of the US successes. Its funny how in Europe, people like Pirmin Zurbriggen are/were superstars..and here..no one cares. I mean..no one here cares about Soccer or Hockey even, elt alone skiing, figure skating, diving..I find it sad. They represent a country in events that most people do not really even watch or care much about.

That said..I do wonder if the Lakers are going to make any trades near the trading deadline :)

Can I buy some pot from you?

2006-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Woman Allegedly Tries To Buy Pot At Police Station

POSTED: 6:07 am EST February 14, 2006

WEST FARGO, N.D. -- A North Dakota State University student is facing charges after allegedly trying to buy marijuana at the police station.

Saturday's incident was "about the craziest thing I've ever come across," Officer Ken Zeeb said. "This is something that you couldn't even make up."

The 20-year-old woman called the police station about 3:15 a.m. Saturday, asking where she could buy marijuana, authorities said. The dispatcher, after repeatedly telling the woman it was illegal to sell and possess marijuana, then told her that police had some of the drug in the station's evidence locker.

Zeeb had arrived for his 4 a.m. shift about 15 minutes early and was in the evidence locker room when the woman arrived.

"The dispatcher got on the intercom and said, 'You know what? She's here. She just handed me $3 for marijuana,'" Zeeb said.

The woman was arrested on charges of criminal attempt and possession of drug paraphernalia.

"She didn't seem like she was really under the influence of drugs or alcohol," Zeeb said. "She understood what was going on and articulated herself well."

ps - I didnt have the picture of Pinto asking Donald Sutherland to buy pot. Flounder will have to suffice.

Tubing

2006-02-12T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well, after I got back from my vacation in Los Angeles, I had 3 quick days of work and then got to enjoy the weekend.

The wife had to work on Saturday from 8-5, and I went to the gym early in the morning. Since it was a really nice day, I mowed the lawn and edged and trimmed..I had not needed to do it since..November perhaps? I did a couple other errands and cleaned the house, paid the bills..etc. I watched some Olympic coverage in the evening and my wife and I made a nice dinner together.

Sunday, I had plans for us. The wife had said earlier in the week to find something fun and unique for us to do. Since we had not ever been to Mt.Hood, and we planned to go skiing in a couple weeks, I drove us up there early and we went tubing. First we went twice on the kiddie hill..and then went over to the "Extreme" hill..which was worth the hike. I did that 3 or 4 times..it was a lot of fun, and it was a beautiful day. We both laughed and had a good time. We zoomed back to Portland, had some dim sum at Dragonfish, and then caught "Capote". The theater was TINY..4 rows..and we got stuck in the front. Luckily it was not a movie like Lord of the Rings where it wouldnt be worth it. Still, our necks were hurting after..but wow, what an amazing performance by one of my favorite actors, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He will win the Best Actor Oscar in a few weeks. I had read "In Cold Blood", and also seen the movie, but my wife has not ever read it. She might now :)
We are making homemade pasta suce, some turkey meatballs and some sort of pasta for dinner while we enjoy the Olympics and sneak on over to catch "Grey's Anatomy" later.
Back to work tomorrow.
Ugh.

Ashes and Snow..and more

2006-02-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

I went to Los Angeles on Thursday morning of last week. My flight was actually at 5:30am and went to Phoenix and then to LA. If you recall, I was stuck in Minneapolis and Las Vegas over the summer and this was kind of a "make-up" ticket.
Anyways..my parents took me to this exhibit in Santa Monica that was FANTASTIC. It is all these I ndian and Asian people in these..zen-like states with animals around them..just goergeous photography and films, peaceful music..absolutely amazing..and no photoshopping or positioning of the animals..etc..I wanted to buy the book, but it was $130, and the dvd was $50. If the exhibit comes to your city..or country..I highly recommend spending the time to see it. The show is incredible.

So I also saw my grandmother for dinner on Thursday evening, and John Corbett walked by as well. Dinner was good..we arte somewhere on Sunset; I had a cholesterol clogging dish, Spaghetti Carbonarra..yum.

Friday I went out for bagels and cream cheese and some danishes (sorry, this is a pet peeve of mine..you dont go out and eat danish..you go eat A danish..) and took them to my other grandma who has lost her brain completely to Alzheimer's. Very sad. She would be better off dead I think. My mom thinks so too. My mom took me out shopping and I got a couple shirts, and then went and met my old boss for lunch. His SUV smelled like tons of weed, and I smoked part of a joint with him. We had some sandwiches and some beers and relaxed. I went out Friday night with my folks to a French restaurant and ate like a champ. I had a big stomach ache later that night though.

Saturday I played golf with my dad in the morning, and actaully did extremely well, considering I had not played in 6 months. I shot 2 over (uh..on a par 3 course..ahem). My cousin came over about 1 and we went to Hurry Curry in Old Town Pasadena for lunch (YUM) and then walked around for a bit. His wife was sick, so when we went home, she was still in her pajamas. I saw his house for the first time, saw their dog, Bubba and saw their pictures from their trip to Germany and Austria. We went to my favorite sushi place in the world for dinner, and then to Volcano Tea in West LA for some milk tea and boba. Mike, my cuz, didnt want to see Capote or Good Night and Good Luck, and we just missed the showing of Match Point. He had "Stor Crazy" on Netflix, which we watched at his place, which wasnt that great..and went to bed about 1am.

Sunday, we had breakfast and then went down to Wheatberry for a coffee and A danish. Read the paper, did the crossword and sudoku..etc. Walked on over to Borders books for a bit and then had a mini lunch at Hana Grill..though I just had salad because I was a little sick and a little full. Back home to change and then off to the Superbowl party (which you know how I feel about). But it was good seeing my family and we all had a good time..though the commercials sucked as bad as the game. Came home..relaxed, read my book and went to bed.

Monday, I was supposed to meet my friend Sandrine, but she was in Paris. Then my buddy Albert bailed on me for lunch. My ex-girlfriend had mentioned meeting for coffee, but she cancelled too. So I went to In-N-Out burger and then shopping, and only found things that were far too pricey, and went to see my grandma again for an hour and a half. I came home, did some packing, some reading, and helped my mom a bit in the kitchen. She made these BBQ brined shrimp, garlic bread, salad and some potato wedge things with some of my uncle's spices on them. My parents like "The Bachelor", so I watched it with them, and then went to bed.

Tuesday I had an English Breakfast Latte with my mom and then to the airport and back to Portland, where my wife picked me up and we came home..and that was my vacation and weekend..etc

Sheesh

2006-02-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

That was a touchdown, not pass interference.
Nice reffing.

Also, good way to shoot yerself in the foot, Seattle..you owned Pittsburgh..at least for the first half.

Sigh.

Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Ride

2006-02-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

Recently I have got into bike riding up here in Oregon, and Audra has also been getting into it with me. There are so many beautiful trails and rides up here, I do not know where to begin!

So when I heard about the LIVESTRONG Ride, a 100-mile bike ride that benefits the Lance Armstrong Foundation, I knew I had to participate.
More than 1.3 million people in the U.S. will be diagnosed with cancer this year alone. Three out of four families in America will be faced with caring for a family member with cancer.

The Lance Armstrong Foundation was founded to provide practical information and tools for people living with cancer. Their mission is to inspire and empower people affected by cancer through advocacy, public health and research programs.

I need to raise at least $500 to participate in the Ride, but I hope to raise $1,000 or more. It’s a big goal, but I’m taking a big step. I would appreciate your support.

You can donate online at www.livestrongride.org or for me here. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this message and understanding how important this cause and this Ride is to me.

Regards,

Josh

PS - yes even $1 is cool :)

Another of those lame list things :)

2006-01-31T14:51:00.000-08:00

...since Agnes tagged me to do a list..I will do it..

Three jobs I've had:
Dominos Pizza delivery boy during the "hey-day" of 30 minutes or less
Security guard during rock concerts for a summer
Manager of Sales at a software company

Three movies I can watch repeatedly:
Shawshank Redemption
The Great Escape
Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Three places I've lived:
Santa Monica, CA
Portland, OR
Tempe, AZ

Three TV shows I like to watch:
The Office (BBC Version)
Seinfeld re-runs
Survivor

Three places I've been to on vacation:
Maui
Spain
Greece

Three of my favorite dishes:
My wife's lasagna
My mother's guacamole
Sushi

Three websites I visit daily:
Hoopsworld
ESPN
Grapeshot (address is secret)

Three places I would rather be right now:
Asleep next to my wife
Wailea, Maui
Lake Tahoe, CA

Do I need to tag people?
Umm..
Ragazza
Ash
Big Dubb

Windy, stormy weekend details

2006-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Wow..even though I didnt really go anywhere this weekend, I had an event-filled one nonetheless, as you will read.

It started Friday night, when my wife came home about 6pm and she wanted to go out and grab a pizza, but first wanted to go test drive a few cars. She has a 2002 VW Jetta that she leased, which is due in 4 months or so, so we have been doing research on the Mazda 6, Toyota RAV4, Mazda Tribute, Ford Escape, Toyota Camry..and a few others. The dilemna/mission..to get an SUV or not? And then..with a budget of around $25k..tough to find a decent car that serves all of our purposes.

So back to the story..we went to go test drive the brand new RAV4 (we drove the 2005 one and liked it..but it was a tad pricey for what ya got), as well as a Toyota Highlander and maybe any other used cars that looked intriguing. So we drove a used 2005 Highlander, which was $27k (used with 25k miles)..which we ended up purchasing after 4 hours of paperwork, haggling, etc..for just under 22k. We got out of there at 10:15pm (read: no pizza). So we have a new car..and the wife loves it already, which is great. I had an SUV for over 7 years earlier, but she hadnt really ever driven one.

Saturday, I went to the gym in the morning for my bike class, but the stupid left pedal was broken (it was bent on an angle), so after about 20 minutes, I couldnt handle it anymore because it was destroying my ankle, and I quit. Audra was working from 10-7 and I went to Costoc and picked up some foods for our new outdoor deep freezer thing. I got lots of the French Onion soup, as well as some turkey, salmon, pork, bread, Lean Cuisines..etc.

Then..I worked on our taxes in TurboTax..which to my amazement, somehow, we are getting royally screwed. We bought a house this year and we still somehow magically owe several thousand dollars. Now I am not saying I finished our taxes..but I did add in the mortgage interest and property taxes already. I dont know if our downpayment or closing costs and stuff can be factored in, but I havent figured out where in TurboTax to add it yet. Plus I skipped ahead and it mentioned some crap about looking up some info from my 2004 taxes and owing money there..beats me..I got insanely annoyed and stopped it. I played a video game for a bit. I cleaned up the house. I took a quick walk outside in the drizzling rain, but my ankle was still feeling a bit jacked up from the class. So I grabbed my netflix movie "Grizzly Man" and popped that in. Let me tell you..this was a weird movie. It is about a guy who is the outdoorsy type, lives in the Alaskan wilderness, amongst the grizzly bears and thinks he is their protector, guardian..etc. His footage is incredible of the bears, and he gets close enough to touch them on several occasions, and has great shots of the bears eating, playing, fighting each other..etc. However, he has an extremely effeminate persona, which just comes across as super wacky. Too wacky for me. Well, after 13 years in the wilderness, finally a homophobic bear, eats the poor guy (and his mysterious girlfriend who was with him but we never see, or hear). They dont show the deaths/bodies, but they do interview various people who killed the bear that killed our hero(ines). This movie is 1 hour, 40 minutes long..and it could easily be edited down to an hour. A very bizarre movie. I do not recommend it.

Audra came home and with my folks in town, we picked them up and then all went to dinner at Manzana in Lake Oswego and had a terrific meal. In fact, we all ordered the same exact thing..which was super lame. but it was this pecan crusted salmon with apple-apricot something sauce. And 3 of us had the same alcoholic beverage too..a berry mojito. Took the parents home and then Audra and I went home and eventually went to bed.

Sunday morning, Audra went to work again from 10-7, and I took my parents to Marco's Cafe for breakfast in Multnomah Village. I had an "Amy's Omelette", which is what Audra usually has, and my dad had the "Lindsey's Burrito", which is what I normally eat there. A great place, if you are ever in town..and make sure you get the "Omara's Latte", which is just this incredible latte with a shot of Bailey's in it..they do it perfect. After that, we came back and watched the Australian Open and then my parents had to go to the airport, and so with it storming hard and the wind blowing at incredible speeds, I stayed in and I watched a very slow, boring, but good (oxymoron I know) movie called "The Battle of Algiers" that I had from Netflix. I dont know if I recommend it..but it was interesting...but again, it was very slow. I did some paperwork, watched some of the Lakers game and prepared dinner for when Audra got home; I finally made that pizza we had been craving Friday..andouille sausage, onion, fresh garlic, oregano, basil, red pepper, 2 types of cheese..yum!

We ended up watching this interesting show at 9pm on TLC called "Miami Ink". It is about a tattoo parlor and the 5 guys who run it, as well as the patrons who come in and gets inked. There were some cool tats done, and some interesting stories. We both enjoyed it. After watching "Grey's Anatomy" we went up to bed, talked for a while and went to sleep.

I am going back to LA on Thur through the following Tuesday to see family and friends..so this might be the last entry for a while.

Go Seahawks!

Oh toh toh toh

2006-01-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

This is a hilarious 8 minute video on the proper way of how to order and eat sushi.

Apparently, I am a low-income earner, as I actually enjoy "toro".

Taiwan breeds green-glowing pigs and more

2006-01-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark.

They claim that while other researchers have bred partly fluorescent pigs, theirs are the only pigs in the world which are green through and through. The pigs are transgenic, created by adding genetic material from jellyfish into a normal pig embryo.

The researchers hope the pigs will boost the island's stem cell research, as well as helping with the study of human disease. The researchers, from National Taiwan University's Department of Animal Science and Technology, say that although the pigs glow, they are otherwise no different from any others. Taiwan is not claiming a world first. Others have bred partially fluorescent pigs before. But the researchers insist the three pigs they have produced are better.

--

Vampire running for governor of Minnesota

Minnesota voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor on Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

Like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was elected governor as an independent in 1998, the 41-year-old Sharkey once was a wrestler, although he spent his time "The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula" on obscure professional circuits...

"Danny Deckchair" and "Munich"

2006-01-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

I saw 2 films this past weekend; one was on Netflix, the other in the theater.

The first was a charming independent Australian movie called "Danny Deckchair". Based on the true event of Australian Larry Walters, this little Australian film is exactly what it was meant to be. The little tale of a man who simply makes the best of the unfulfilled life he’s made for himself. He doesn’t complain, he works hard and cares for his girlfriend. Yet all of us need a vacation, and no one has been looking forward to it more than Danny. But when his fragile sustained world starts to crack, so does he. And like so many of us have wanted to do, he ties a bunch of balloons to a lawn chair and floats away. Secretly landing in a small rural town like an alien visiting Earth, Danny reinvents himself, charming the local residents and stealing the heart of Glenda, a beautiful traffic cop who’s more pariah than prom queen.

Like any romantic comedy, the formula is tried and true – boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins back girl, all while learning an important life lesson. But, since they say there are really only eight stories in the world (variations of a theme), the story is not as important as how it is told. Director Jeff Balsmeyer manages to keep you interested even though you know where you’re going. But that’s ok. The humanity is what drives the film while using middle-of-the-road humor that never strays into crassness, tastelessness or overt-sexuality.

Actor Rhys Ifans presents Danny Morgan with an every-man quality that is instantly engaging. Having spent most of his career playing heavies or goofballs, he shows that it doesn’t take a Tom Cruise to be a leading man. It just takes sincerity and charm, and Rhys offers it up in spades. Playing off that charm is Miranda Otto who portrays the love interest Glenda with such down to earth vulnerability it’s hard to believe this is the same woman who as Eowyn, slayed Orcs and Nazguls in "The Lord of the Rings". She brings humor, sexuality and accessibility to her character, she has that certain golden-age quality that enthralls us all.

With a cast like this, it’s little wonder that the movie places its hopes in the hands of its characters. And the risk pays off. The image of Danny lounging on a raft in his backyard pool is a perfect metaphor for this film - relax, take it easy and go with it. That’s the real message here, one of going with the flow, but seizing opportunities as they arise. It’s a simple and wholesome message that everyone can relate to.

The little story that could is a fresh dip into giddiness during the usual movie season that is overflowing with drama, intensity and seriousness. Like Danny, we sometimes just need a vacation from it all - whether it’s tying balloons to your deckchair or leaning back and watching someone who does. Chock full of fun, this is a story that can warm your heart, tickle your funny-bone and leave you with a smile on your face.

The other movie I saw is quite the opposite; "Munich".
I’ve been struggling to find a way to describe "Munich", Steven Spielberg’s latest film and surely one of his highest achievements. It’s a powerful film, and haunting, though without the contemporary setting of "Syriana", the year’s other political treatise/mea culpa, and this works in "Munich"'s favor. Whereas Stephen Gaghan’s film is set in a woefully plausible near-future, Spielberg manages to show us the big picture by stepping back three decades. Knowing in advance how the story plays out in the history books, we can see again just how it’s affected us since then. It's often easier to see the present through the lens of the past.

The story plays out in the aftermath of the 1972 Munich Olympic Games, where Palestinian terrorists murdered 11 Israeli athletes, and tells of the Mossad's (Israel's version of the KGB or CIA..etc) retaliation efforts and assassination attempts on the men who supposedly planned the attack. Freed of detail, it would be an ordinary revenge story, perhaps even some kind of fatalistic neo-noir, but it's impossible to make that film. This is terrorism, and we've come so far and so little since Sept. 11, 2001, that to act as if the story is about anything less than the most important subject we face is an insult to the widows and orphans of everyone who's ever died at the hands of a terrorist. Spielberg as much as alludes to this with the film’s stark opening: a swimming sea of names of cities victimized by terrorism, among them London, Amsterdam, and Jakarta, before the name of Munich is brought into blood-red focus. The events that happened there 33 years ago were horrific, yes, but the worse truth is that those events were few among thousands.

The killings at the Olympics are dealt with immediately and rapidly, as Spielberg, working from a script by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, once again reminds us that he’s a master of pacing and storytelling. The film is a fictionalized version of true events, and the opening sequence features a dizzying blend of old newscasts with modern movie-making; everything looks real, as if it's actually happening, and simultaneously removed from reality, lending the happenings an odd weight by acknowledging that we're watching a story, and we know it. A few moments later, Avner (Eric Bana) is tapped by the Mossad to lead the retaliation effort, a decision reached in a meeting led by Prime Minister Golda Meir (Lynn Cohen). She utters the first of what will be the film’s many uncomfortable lines: "Forget peace for now," she says, noting the historical precedent for a society’s denial of its own moral code to pursue what it perceives to be a greater good or victory. But Spielberg isn't picking sides here; if anything, he’s just as disgusted by the Israeli response as he is the terrorism that provoked it. As one of Avner's colleagues later states: "You think the Palestinians invented bloodshed? How do you think we got the land, by being nice?" This kind of escalating retaliation is insane, pointless, and deadly, Spielberg says, but we do it anyway because we tell ourselves it needs to be done.

Avner is a loving husband with a daughter on the way and, like most of Spielberg's men, he has "daddy issues". His father is never seen, but is often praised for his fighting for Israeli independence. Avner's mother abandoned him at a kibbutz, where he was raised; as Avner’s wife puts it, he literally sees himself as Israel's son. Assigned to lead a team of four other men in an ongoing and off-the-books mission to kill those responsible for the Munich murders, Avner sets out to make contacts throughout Europe and track down the names given him by the Mossad. Shaky at first, they begin to approach their assigned killings as business transactions: build a bomb, blow it up, grab a beer, take a shower, find the next man on the list. Their coldness is matched by Spielberg's stark style. Each shot is nothing more than what it has to be, but nothing less than what it should be; like an old-school master, the director’s style is invisible at times, placing the emotion of the story above any need for self-congratulatory flair.

This is the real horror of Avner’s work: that he begins to view it as just another part of his day. Doubts begin to surface about some of their targets' actual involvement with planning Munich, but Avner and company do their jobs anyway. There’s only one true revenge killing, carried out after one of Avner’s crew is killed, and it’s horrifying in its unflinching realness. That's what makes the violence in "Munich" so upsetting. We live in an age when horror movies have become pornographically barbaric, but the killings here are hard to stomach because they’re sadder and truer, both cleaner and more terrifying than any grindhouse story at the theater. The stress of the lifestyle and the violence he's causing begin to affect Avner in a number of ways, including ongoing nightmares about the Munich killings, whose events are spelled out for the audience throughout the film in Avner's tortured dreams. He also begins to become deeply paranoid. There's one chilling scene wherein Avner, convinced that his room has been booby-trapped, dismantles his phone and TV, rips apart his mattress, and finally ends up on the floor of his closet, too weary and fearful to sleep.

Bana shines as Avner, showing some of the skill he managed to slip by Wolfgang Petersen in "Troy" and none of the clumsy trappings of "The Hulk" (You may also want to check out "Chopper"). His performance is involving and astonishing, a portrait of a strong but ultimately pitiable man, driven to murder out of self-doubt and nationalistic pride. Likewise, the men playing Avner’s team members turn in solid supporting roles, notably Daniel Craig (the new James Bond) as hotheaded Steve and Ciaran Hinds as the soft-spoken Carl. At one of the crew’s first meetings, Steve notes that it’s hard to think of himself as an assassin. "Think of yourself as something else, then," Carl advises him. It’s fascinating to see these men be so caring for their families or each other and yet approach their killings as routine jobs.

There has been complaint about the recent running-lengths of blockbuster films, such as "Munich" (164 minutes) and "King Kong" (188 minutes). I'm an advocate of the three-hour film; especially with projects as rife with content as "Munich". There's a theme that Kushner launches mid-way through the picture: Carl explains to Avner that he believes his leader to be a runner; somebody that outruns his emotions and scruples to finish the job, but also somebody who can't stand to have stillness. Later in the film, both Carl and Avner find that stillness. Kushner writes the situations as a final development to his characters' arc, requiring the film to run longer to include these last rich, bloody, and inherently difficult scenes. Without them-without the last hurrah of story-"Munich" would run ashore and dry out with dissatisfaction. The film is instead full and beautifully glorious, working in themes that go far beyond the killing of eleven Palestinian men, and questioning not only the politics of 1972, but also the politics of present. But Spielberg isn't heady with his controversy (except maybe that final shot...), instead solitarily using only the poignant story of Avner and his men to portray his point. "Munich" is another of Spielberg's masterpieces, a swift departure from "War of the Worlds", and on-par (or maybe better) than his last entry into film history's canon, "Saving Private Ryan". Like I said, "Munich" is full and beautifully glorious.

Condoms in Colombia...

2006-01-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

Town May Make Carrying Condoms Mandatory

A western Colombian city councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests.

William Pena, a councilman in Tulua, said Wednesday he will present a formal proposal to force all men and women - even those just visiting - to always carry at least one condom. Those caught empty-pocketed could pay a fine of $180 or take a safe sex course, he said.

"Sexual relations are going on constantly," Pena told The Associated Press by telephone. "If you carry a condom, chances are you'll use it during the day. It's not going to be there forever."

Tulua has one of the highest rates of AIDS in Colombia, he said. The proposal will be debated by other town leaders and could go into effect by March, he said.

More..uh..news

2006-01-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

Man stabbed parents because they wouldn't drink his miso soup

KITAKYUSHU -- A jobless man arrested for fatally stabbing his mother and seriously injuring his father at their home here has told police that he got angry because they refused to drink miso soup he made for them, police said.

"They didn't drink my miso soup," he was quoted as telling officers who had rushed to their home. "I couldn't sleep because my parents were arguing."

Investigators are grilling the suspect, 37-year-old Hiroshi Miura, over the motives behind his crime.

At around 10:20 p.m. on Monday, Miura stabbed his 81-year-old father Masao and 75-year-old mother Shizuko in the back at their home in Yahatanishi-ku, Kitakyushu, local police said. They were rushed to hospital where Shizuko died about two hours later and Masao remains in a serious condition.

Police believe that Miura was drunk at the time. (Mainichi)

Chinese Man Impossible to Photograph

Henan Province's Dahe Daily newspaper reported that the local police department was unable to take an ID photo of Ye Xiangting from Yelou Village in the Yangzhuang Township of Wugang City, Henan Province. No image of Ye Xiangting showed up in the computer photos, and there is still no clear explanation for the result.

Ye Xiangting told the reporter about his recent visit to the Yangzhuang police station to get a photo taken for a new ID card. He sat in front of the camera, but no image of him would show up in the photo. The staff checked the camera very carefully, but found no problems. He retook photos of Ye Xiangting, but no photos of Ye Xiangting was found on the computer images.

The staff had Ye Xiangting carefully check his clothes to be sure he did not carry anything that would interfere with the equipment. Finally, Ye sat in front of the camera and was photographed from every angle. The staff still failed to get any images of him.

And in news of the..uh..interesting website variety...

Are tomatos evil? Apparently this website's founder and its members think so! It is a web site dedicated to the percentage of the Earth's population who don't like tomatos. We are not talking about a mild dislike or a medical allergy; but the realization that this fruit is the Spawn of Satan.

Cherry, Plum, Beef, Sundried, Green, Organic or home grown; all should burn in hell.

Phew

2006-01-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Almost thought I wouldnt find anything weird today..but lookie what came up..

Cy, short for Cyclopes, a kitten born with only one eye and no nose, is shown in this photo provided by its owner in Redmond, Oregon, on Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2005. The kitten, a ragdoll breed, which died after living for one day, was one of two in the litter. Its sibling was born normal and healthy.

News of the Weird

2006-01-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Well..as you can see..I have started blogging again, but since I get lazy about reporting what has happened in my life, I thought of trying something new. And whats more enjoyable than laughing at other people? I know I love finding random stories, stupid people, hilarious videos, and Darwin awards and so forth on the net. So I might just share random weird news and findings..such as the crystal anal earring things below. And I'll try reporting on daily basis.
Enjoy.

Mummified body found in front of TV

The mummified body of a woman who didn't want to be buried was found in a chair in front of her television set 2 1/2 years after her death, authorities said.

Johannas Pope had told her live-in caregiver that she didn't want to be buried and planned on returning after she died, Hamilton County Coroner O'Dell Owens said Monday.

Pope died in August 2003 at age 61. Her body was found last week in the upstairs of her home on a quiet street. (Watch why the caregiver thought body parts grew back -- 1:37)

Some family members continued to live downstairs, authorities said. No one answered the doorbell at Pope's home Monday afternoon.

It could take weeks to determine Pope's cause of death because little organ tissue was available for testing, Owens said.

An air conditioner had been left running upstairs, and that allowed the body to slowly mummify, he said. The machine apparently stopped working about a month ago, and the body began to smell.

"Standing outside, one could smell death," Owens said.

Police went to the house last Wednesday after receiving a call from a relative who hadn't seen Pope in years. They found a staircase behind a door blocked by a basket and climbed to the second floor, where they found the body.

It was not clear if any crimes were committed, Owens said.

Authorities did not identify the caregiver, a woman in her 40s who apparently lived in the home with Pope, Pope's daughter and her 3-year-old granddaughter.

"The caregiver is not someone you'd think was from another planet or really seems off the wall -- (she's) a pretty normal kind of person," he said. "But I think out of loyalty, friendship and love of her friend, (she) decided to keep the body at home."

And in a semi-related story...

Woman Suffocates Under House Clutter

A Washington state woman who was reported missing was later found dead suffocated under a pile of debris in her home, police said.

Officers found the body of Marie Rose, 62, buried under clothes Thursday, reported KIRO-TV in Seattle. Her husband reported her missing after he couldn't find her early Thursday morning. Officers found clothing, dishes and boxes crammed from floor to ceiling in every room of the couple's house.

"In some areas, clothes and debris were piled 6 feet high," said Police Chief Terry Davenport of the Shelton Police Department. "Officers were having to climb over the top on their hands and knees. In some areas, their heads were touching the ceiling while they were standing on top of piles of debris."

The woman's husband told KIRO-TV that she had health problems and may have been looking for the phone when she died.

Swarovski Crystal Anal Jewelry

2006-01-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

If you pucker up, then pucker up with some of the most unique anal jewelry available. These all stainless steel plugs are designed for a nice comfortable fit for long term wear. They weigh more than other plugs reminding the wearer of what is inside. The glass cut gemstones finish off the plug and attracts lots of attention to the wearing party. These are true works of art.

PS - I did not do a search for anal sex, or anything butt or sex related..I simply found this on another website and thought it to be too funny to pass up. But thank you all for thinking I am sort of booty freak.

The Big Game

2006-01-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

Well..I grew up in Los Angeles..and essentially when you are born, you have to choose right then. The most important decision in your life. Actually, its more than likely chosen for you..your dad went to SC. Or your mom and uncle went to UCLA...etc. Well..it is a funny story for me, since my dad went to SC for a bit, and my mom went to UCLA..but my dad hates SC and roots for UCLA. So..I am a Bruin.

Now you may say..oh, I am sorry to hear that..or something along those lines..but in the 90s..UCLA pounded SC 8 straight..SC wasnt as good as they are now.

And tonight is the big game..the National Championship. There are 3 teams I truly despise in NCAA college football..Notre Dame, USC and the University of Arizona. Obviously only 2 of those are pwoerhouses. So as much as I hate USC, I hope they destroy Texas. For a variety of reasons honestly..but mostly because it gives the under-appreciated, under-rated Pac-10 more credit. The f-in East Coast bias in sports polling is sickening to me..so as much as it pains me to say it..GO TROJANS!

My only consolation is that if Texas beats USC tonight, at least one of my most hated teams, lost :)

Xmas in Redneckville, USA

2005-12-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

Microsoft Haiku

2005-12-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

Yeah..I hate Microsoft. I have spent far too many times fixing my wife's computer, and so in the spirit of zen (which is how we semi decorated our bedroom), and how I sorta wanted to decorate this blog...and how my wife likes to zen out when she gets home from work by taking a bath and reading..I figure, what if the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages were replaced with Haiku? I belong to an uber-secret fightclub-like web forum that sometimes makes these funny haiku messages for movies or random topics..gets you thinking sometimes..so heres some for Microsoft errors...
Below is the essence of zen...ohmmmm...

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Isn't that better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
I thought so.

King Kong

2005-12-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

Well..I had to see it right? I loved Peter Jackson's direction in LoTR and the effects dazzled me in the previews, not to mention I like Adrien Brody, Jack Black and Naomi Watts. So..I think most of you will be pleased to know that Peter Jackson's re-telling of this classic tale of beauty and the beast is absolutely wonderful, certainly engaging and even poignant. The very best you can say about the film is that it's a thrilling, highly respectful and faithful remake of the original 1933 classic. Ironically, the worst thing you can say about the new Kong... is also that it's a thrilling, highly respectful and faithful remake of the original 1933 classic. Confused? Well, let me explain.

As much as most of us love the original Kong... there's no denying that it was arguably the first blockbuster Hollywood B-movie. As such, as dazzling and evocative as its visual charms were at the time, its story and characters were..lacking.
People often say that it's Kong you most empathize with in the original, and that's certainly not an accident. He's the best-realized character in the film by a wide margin. For his 2005 remake, Peter Jackson and his writing team thankfully devote much more story time to better develop their characters. I've read some reviews that complain that it takes far too long for the characters to arrive on Skull Island (and thus get to the "real" action), but I disagree. It is BECAUSE we spend a little more time getting to know the characters that we then are able to connect with them as well as we do.

The casting and performances are excellent across the board. Jack Black is inspired as manic movie producer Carl Denham, and Adrien Brody is instantly likable as Jack Driscoll; a writer who is Denham's scribe and an unlikely hero who falls for, and ultimately sets out to rescue, Ann (the film's only major narrative change from the original). But it is Naomi Watts who really shines here. Her Ann Darrow is as stunningly beautiful and capable as a romantic heroine as we've seen on film in years. With her soft, golden locks, her innocent face and sparkling eyes... you BELIEVE that Kong could fall in love with her. Not only is she beautifully groomed and photographed, her performance is exceptional. We all know how hard it can be for actors to work with digital effects, and to interact with characters that simply aren't there to act against. In this case, it helps a great deal that actor Andy Serkis actually played Kong on set (as he did with Gollum in LoTR), in addition to providing the digital creature's movements. Watts and Serkis together prove what good performers can do, with an understanding director's guidance, when working in the digital arena.

Once the good ship Venture reaches the island and the action starts, it is absolutely edge-of-your-seat. The visuals are astonishing - WETA Digital's CG realization of Kong is as much a quantum leap over Gollum, as Gollum was over every digital character that preceded him. Kong is as absolutely believable, soulful and emotionally well-rounded a character as you've ever seen in a film... and he never utters a single word. In fact, virtually all of the effects work in this film is stunning. The T-Rex fight sequence alone will leave you gasping in surprise and delight - it's relentlessly clever and well conceived. The attention to detail in this film, literally from start to finish, almost defies belief. Occasionally, the images are SO perfectly composed, even painterly, that you find yourself marvelling at what great CG work it is... which pulls you out of the film briefly. The landscapes are just a little too beautiful... the retro New York City skyline is just a little too gorgeous. And to be fair, there are a few effects shots aren't quite as polished to perfection as the rest. Still, in the same way that the original Kong dazzled audiences with imagery beyond that which anyone had ever seen before, so too does Jackson's Kong represent (in large measure) another landmark achievement in visual effects.

If I had any REAL complaints about Jackson's Kong, the first would be that it could easily be trimmed by 20 minutes. That's not to say that the film isn't good at 3 hours and 7 minutes, but much of the action feels... padded. This feels more like the special extended DVD edition than a theatrical cut. If I'd been the film's editor, I'd have recommended cutting about 7 minutes of set-up, 8-10 minutes of Skull Island and maybe 3 minutes of the film's climax - all of it in little bits and pieces. The only major scene that doesn't really work is a short bit in Central Park between Ann and Kong. It's sweet, and I understand the emotional idea behind it, but it's just a little too "sugary" to be truly poignant. My other criticism of the film, is that the character of Denham is still a little one-dimensional. You never get the sense that he truly realizes and regrets what he's done. Rather, it seems only that he regrets that his greatest chance at fame and fortune has collapsed like all his past efforts. It's a shame, because if we'd felt like the sheer horror and tragedy of the film's climax had managed - even for a moment - to cut through his dreams of avarice enough to leave him haunted by his actions, the film's ending would have been that much more powerful.

That said, as a pure cinematic experience, there is MUCH about Jackson's Kong to love. Is it as good as his Lord of the Rings films? I don't think so - simply because they had much more dense story material to work with. Is it the best film of 2005? Again, I don't think so. But like the original, this Kong is indeed, a great and truly thrilling popcorn film. Pound-for-pound, it's easily the best all-around entertainment value of the year. There's definitely something here for everyone to enjoy, and you might even shed a tear or two before it's all over (although you should be aware that the action is a little too intense for very young tykes - parents are definitely recommended to use their best judgement)..though there was a 4 year old boy in attendance when I saw it.

King Kong is a dazzling, passionate and evocative thrill ride that's well worth taking. Just go easy on the Dr. Pepper. 187 minutes is a DAMN LONG time to sit with a full bladder.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

2005-12-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

I don't see why everyone doesn't recognize this story for the evil that it is. Think about how the story goes - you get this reindeer named Rudolph - with a very shiny nose - so shiny in fact that it would be fair to say it glows. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names because of this genetic deformity. Though the problem was simply a glowing a red nose, they wouldn't even let him play their reindeer games. Why not? It's not like not he was born with three legs or a 60 pound head, or anything that would effect his ability to help a team win in reindeer football, or whatever the hell they played. No, they excluded him because he looked different. That's it. The equivalent of white kids excluding the black kid. Hell, less than that.

Luckily for Rudolph, his life was about to change for the better. You see, it got real foggy one Christmas Eve, and his deformity was just what Santa needed. He called over to lonely Rudolph and asked if he'd guide the sled that night. Now, to show you what a nice kid this Rudolph was, or just how desperate he was to fit in, Rudolph jumped at the chance. I'm not sure I would've. Why the fuck should I help some fat sack who looked the other way when his reindeer treated me like shit for no good reason? Well, whatever, Rudolph was a better deer than I. He helped Santa out and all the other reindeer decided to love him.

Okay. So what exactly is the moral of this children's tale? Is it: Don't treat someone like crap because they look different? At first that seems to be what the story was going for, but the facts simply don't add up. What if Rudolph's abnormality never came in handy? Would the other reindeer ever have come around? I'd lay a c-note the answer is no. Rudolph only gained acceptance because he was useful to Santa. That makes the moral something like: It's okay to treat someone like crap until they prove useful.

What makes the story even more terrible is that all this took place under the nose of a moral authority. Santa is one step under God in the moral realm. I mean, here's this guy, who knows who you are and if you've been bad or good - the keeper of the ultimate list of human rights and wrongs. So anyway, all this was going on right under his nose, the exclusion, the cruelty, the name-calling and poor Rudolph was miserable. And Santa didn't do shit. If there was never a foggy Christmas Eve, would Santa have stepped in? Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know.

So anyway, sleep tight kids... And remember... It's okay to be different so long as you make yourself useful.

Oh yeah..and I am Jewish, so whatever on all this Santa BS.

Samorost

2005-12-13T09:42:00.000-08:00

My friend Marcus sent me this link to this online/flash game..Samorost 2

Usually flash games are pretty weak, if you ask me, but this..well..without sounding too gay, is magical. I really love the style of artwork..which is like a kid's storybook come to life.
The premise to the story, which you quickly figure out as you click on the screen, is these aliens come to kidnap a guy's little dog while you are snoozing, and so the man (your character) chases after them..and you must work your way through several screens, figuring out little puzzles that are mostly pretty easy, but may take you a few tries.

anyways..it was created entirely by 2 Czech guys..and apparently they have a slew of other games. I might have to spend some dough and support them..because they are fantastic. Anyways..I solved the game, so if you need help..let me know..but give it a whirl..its fun! :)

Something new for the toilet!!

2005-12-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

There is a crazy new product out of Taiwan (uh..of course...): the 'rsstroom reader'. This bathroom gadget prints news feeds onto your T-P - that's right, your TOILET PAPER! The best part is the "biometrics" toilet seat that'll figure out who you are based on your weight and prints the news you want - not your roommates tabloid garbage. Going to the restroom will never be boring again! Here's the scoop:

Yi Tien Electronics enters the digital home with rsstroom reader™ personal news delivery system

TAIPEI, December 4, 2005 - Yi Tien Electronics today announced a breakthrough news delivery system for the restroom. At a press conference, Yi Tien Electronics unveiled the rsstroom reader™, an rss reader for the restroom which prints directly to toilet tissue through RapidResolution® inkjet technology. Complete with wireless connectivity, the rsstroom reader™ will print out up to the minute articles from rss 2.0 and atom newsfeeds. Configurable via web browser*, the rsstroom reader™ can be set up to output an unlimited number of feeds in either sequential, alternating, or random mode. Included with the rsstroom reader™ deluxe package is the biometric seat which allows for customized feed output based on the unique features of users. The biometric seat also allows for tracking & printing the progress of your weight-loss regime.

Yi Tien Electronics also announced the future availability of a commercial version of the rsstroom reader™, a more robust model intended for installation in public restrooms. The commercial model allows advertisers to place customized messages targeted to a specific audience through Yi Tien Electronics' online subscription service.

So yeah..like I dont take long enough in the bathroom..I now can read updates scores, the latest in the stock market..who knows.
Those crazy Asians!

The invite

2005-12-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

It was requested I present the New Years invite I created in Photoshop. The wife wanted something to do with penguins holding cocktails..

Phone number and address removed for "internet security"..ha ha.

Tina Fey's Weekend Update

2005-11-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

And in weekend news...

Thursday was Thanksgiving..Audra and Josh went to the gym early in the morning to burn off some impending calories. LAter audra did some baking, Josh relaxed and later they went to two different feasts, both in the Clackamas/Estacada area; first at Matt and Darren's and then later to Dawn and Darby's. A great time was had.

Friday..Audra had to work, while I did a lot of yard work and cleaned up around the house and enjoyed my vacation. I watched ASU beat U of A in a good football game as well. I had to my home theater system fine tuned by some audiophile service guy as well..for free..

Saturday..again Audra had to work and again I relaxed. Ahhhh. I did go to the gym. I dont know..Friday and Saturday were..blurs. no drugs..just did so many things..and yet..nothing..so it was nothing major to note. We went to "Wu's Open Kitchen" for chinese food..it was actually delicious, though not as inexpensive as "Portland's Cheap Eats" mentions. And later, gave both Audra and I quite a little stomach ache. Too much oil? Ill let you know, as I have leftovers for lunch today at work. Hrmmmm.

Sunday..Audra and I went to buy holiday lights, we went looking at invitations for our New Years bash (I am designing them instead), we went to the gym (I played basketball most of the time actually)..then came home and relaxed a bit before we went to the Oregon Zoo Festival of Lights with our friends Dawn, Darby and their 3 year old daughter Lauren. It was quite cold, but a wonderful treat for kids and fun. Afterwards, we went to Rose's Deli for dinner and later watched some tv.

Not too thrilling, but relaxing.

Happy Early Thanksgiving

2005-11-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

New Sport Craze: Live Turkey Parachuting!

A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks.

“Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.”

A few turkeys have freaked out and had heart attacks, died and plopped down to earth. “But turkey parachuting is very safe” added Eincracker. “If you string up 20 turkeys there is a very small chance that they will all freak out and not flap their wings.”

“Turkey parachuting only has one disadvantage over traditional parachuting,“ explained turkey jumping enthusiast Jabbo Yokinhowl. “Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet scares the shit out of the turkeys. So I usually wear an old rain jacket.”

The United States Military as well as skydiving sports enthusiasts are raving about turkey parachuting. According to US Army General Curtus Ebenezzer McPeacock, “We will be using turkey parachutes in the US military by mid 2006. Turkeys will be a vital strategic implement in future combat operatives. Often times when enemies shoot down planes the pilot and crew parachute to safety and end up in remote areas. It can be weeks before rescue crews find the soldiers. Turkey parachutes can give downed air crews the added advantage of providing thanksgiving meals while they wait for rescue personnel. If air crews are downed in cold climates they can also sleep with the turkeys for warmth. Although the US Military does not condone sex with turkeys, or with any animals, we plan on implementing a, 'No ask, no tell' policy for extreme situations.”

But not everyone is happy about turkey parachuting. Elvid Dohocker, a PETA spokesman who specializes in turkey rights said, “This outrageous new sport is cruel and an endangerment to the lives of these beautiful turkeys. How dare they force turkeys to jump out of airplanes! Would you force your child or pet dog to jump out of an airplane? We are especially appalled by the US military's plan to force turkeys into combat. Turkeys are a peace loving animal. We are lobbying congress to prevent the military's use of turkeys and to outlaw the terrible sport of turkey parachuting.”
Getting ready to jump!

According to economist Dr. Kazut Yaddolboid, who tracks the poultry industry for the Rand Corporation, “With the growing popularity of turkey parachuting and the military utilizing turkeys we will probably see a healthy stimulus in the poultry sector of the economy. However, there may be a downside to this. By next Thanksgiving you can expect the price of turkeys to go up by as much as 50%.”

Paris

2005-11-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

Whats creepier...the everlasting riots in Paris or her everlasting expression(s)?

Myspace

2005-11-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

Ok..I finally was pestered enough by a friend to check out myspace (which I have been critical of) and I succumbed and joined.
Thus, yet another website to check out and cause me to spend a little less time with my wife or work around the house..or work at work..or something.

But..since I am there..I have decided to become a total whore and try to have 10,000 friends or more. If any of you are there..send me friend invites :)

My link is: http://www.myspace.com/joshinportland

See ya chums there.

The weekend update

2005-11-06T18:41:00.000-08:00

Ok..well..seeing as how people want me to post, but I have nothing interesting to report or pick on..my weekend involved thus:

Friday night after work I went to a sports bar with 5 friends to watch the Blazers get punished by 39 to Denver. I had a few beers and a pretty good time. I came home and apparently I smelled so digustingly like cigarettes my wife made me shower before climbing into bed with her. No problem though.

Saturday, my wife had to work for about 5 hours, and the guys who were going to install my stereo speakers, came late..so I was stuck here waiting for him (and therefore could not make it to the gym), and then while he worked for FIVE HOURS I had to be there..and to top it off, he put a hole in my wall and also didnt do it all properly...at least, I dont think. But..they do sound terrific I gotta admit. Only set me back about $1500 bucks (the speakers and installation mind you). Ugh. Anyways..wife came home..hated the way it all looked, which was real fun to deal with..after that nice little..spat..we went out with our neighbors to TGI Fridays for just a casual meal. Now..we all knew the food and service and everything was going to be..average at best. Not our choice of restaurants generally, but they were going and invited us and we just said suuuuure. We got there and we had a 20 minute wait to get a table..not bad..finally sit down..and there wasnt silverware for half of us..no biggie, I snagged some from a nearby table. Waitress disappears after bringing us water, then and comes back after an extended vacation in the Bahamas. I think we could have watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy before our food came. They also forgot my side sauce, and brought my wife steak fajitas, instead of chicken. There was a baby there who shrieked as though someone was sticking a hot poker in its eyeballs and up its rectum. I am not exaggerating. The people behind us were kind of bummed out because their food came late or was wrong or something too. But..we had good company and the food tasted alright, so we should not complain too much. We came home and went to their place to play some cards and board games and had some "Girl Scout" drinks. Ever have those? Hot chocolate, peppermint schnapps and a dash of 151. Needless to say, they were excellent. Late at night my wife and I caught 20-30 minutes of SNL's "all fake commercials" episode..which is often the best part of SNL, so we enjoyed it and crashed about 12:30. No makeup sex. :(

Sunday we slept in, and had our make-up sex..and then Audra made waffles. We read the paper, watched an odd, but funny French movie called "Love me if you Dare". We did some yard work and cleaning up of the house, bailed on going to the gym in favor of another make-up sex session, showered, ran to do some errands in the rain, and came home to figure out holiday shopping and to make dinner. We never had lunch..and she is making dinner now and I am STARVED.

On a side note..I wasnt not not blogging because I wasnt getting comments..though that did not help matters..I wasnt blogging because I was just bored..I ran out of stuff to rant on and laugh about..and so I was wondering what the heck to write..and then when I did post some funny pictures and stuff..I was not getting comments..so, I thought..whatever..Im out of info, no one else cares anyways..so..blah..I am done..for a while at least.

So, Ill try to come up with stuff..I usually can..between my wife and I, we have what seems to be more weird, sad or hilarious crap than most people and friends I know of..and so, Ill try to write when I can. Thanks for your support guys :)

Pull the plug..or keep on life support?

2005-11-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ok..some of you..very few..2 actually..have asked where I have been, whats up..etc.
Well..I have lost some interest in blogging..not too much has happened, no one reads my blog, I have so many other things I am doing in my life now..hence..I've stopped blogging.

I might come back..who knows.

Sorry Natasha and Ragazza. Natasha, you know my email and IM..anyone else can add me maybe at jbg926@msn.com (email and msn IM).

Sex-Ed for Dummies (German Version)

2005-10-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

I guess I've been doing it wrong then...no shiny happy babies have come crawling out of my wife or any other woman I have been with...

Also..my wife has a nose.

Socks and a comment

2005-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

Do none of you read books? Not one single lousy comment on my previous entry? Geez louise. I get criticized if I post info that is "Too Much Information". I get no comments if I give a book or movie review. Now..I dont write this for the commnets..but it is nice when there are a few after a couple days, since i like to know what someone else may have thoought about what I wrote.
Hmph.

Well..on to my commentary about my socks!

I dont understand why you keep leaving me, socks? I take good care of you, I keep my feet clean, I clip my toe nails, and when I am done wearing you I place you in the hamper nice and gently. I know we had some problems a little while ago, but we talked and I changed; I got rid of the bad seeds in the drawer, the ones with the holes. I stopped turning you into little balls and throwing you around like I was Magic Johnson. I even bought more of you to diversify things and to make sure I didn't wear each of you too often, I know how you need your rest. We went to the supermarket together and picked out new laundry detergent and my wife always adds in the kind of Bounce that you like. Remember how much fun that was? And despite all this you continue to break my heart. I lovingly place you in the washing machine and tranfer you to the dryer but for some reason you still leave me. I sit down on the bed so I can reconnect you with your long lost pair and without fail I find that many of you are missing. Why? Why, are you doing this to me? I even live with a woman so you can mingle with some lacy lingerie. So please, please get in touch with me, I miss you, I need you.

Sincerely,

The rest of the body

The Plot Against America

2005-10-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

My mother suggests books to me from time to time, such as "Life of Pi" (great story), and a couple months ago gave me "The Plot Against America" by Phillip Roth. I finally got around to reading it, and just finished it a couple days ago (and am now on another Chuck Palahniuk book). I’d been a big fan of Philip Roth since stumbling across Portnoy’s Complaint in college. That book spoke hysterically of the torments of a desire conflicting with one’s upbringing and one’s own better sense. Roth captured so keenly the nature of an almost self-destructive pursuit and the complexities of repression, transference, and what Dostoevsky’s Underground Man referred to as "contrary to one’s own interests…that very ‘most advantageous advantage.’" The book was hilarious absurdity yet heartbreaking at the same time, Roth spinning on a dime from table pounding laughter to gut clenched sorrow.

His writing, often humorous, has never quite reached that pinnacle, though not without strenuous effort on Roth’s part in Sabbath’s Theater to repeat that initial bawdy success. His later novels have been predominantly focussed on America’s past and have been suffused throughout with an all-pervading sorrow. Even his previous novel, The Human Stain, which is rare in late Roth for taking place predominantly in current times, casts back heavily into the forties and fifties and carries in its pages a terrible melancholy.

Roth sets up the story in "The Plot Against America" matter of factly, thoroughly, softly, the gauze of memory parting and his old Newark neighborhood of Weequahic center stage. We are treated to a quaint memory of place, and Roth spares no effort nor space in laying out the butcher’s, the baker’s, the school, the apartment houses, and the greater boundaries of Newark. He introduces us to a Roth family mirroring his own older brother and parents, making a point of drawing a completely historically accurate portrait of the year 1940. From there the story moves into fantasy, but a fantasy grounded in the painstakingly drawn reality we’ve already seen.

The book opens "Fear presides over these memories, a perpetual fear. Of course, no childhood is without its terrors, yet I wonder if I would have been a less frightened boy if Lindbergh hadn’t been president or if I hadn’t been the offspring of Jews." The greater world of the book is one in which Roosevelt is defeated in his third run for the Presidency by the Lone Eagle, Charles A. Lindbergh, who wins on his promise to keep America out of the developing European war instigated by Hitler. Most Americans pass through high school and even college only knowing Lindbergh was the first man to solo pilot a plane across the Atlantic in the Spirit of St. Louis, never hearing of his later association with the isolationist America First organization, his friendliness with Hermann Gorring, and his virulent anti-Semitism.

Roth cleverly comes up with twists that both fit their time while being allegorical to our own. When it became clear that an accomplished Democrat would win the election, the Republicans chose Lindbergh, betting on celebrity name recognition over competence. Lindbergh flies the Spirit of St. Louis, barnstorming from one campaign stop to another, while Roosevelt dawdles along in the old train campaign mode. When news of German bombs falling on London and hitting St. Paul’s elicits American sympathy, Lindbergh upstages the news with what’s first reported as an explosion and crash, later updated to "engine trouble" forcing him to land in the Alleghenies. How simply the media allow themselves to be manipulated by politicians has never been a new concept, and Lindbergh plays his hero status to the hilt.

Once Lindbergh is President, he signs treaties with Germany and Japan, allowing the two of them to rain unfettered destruction on the rest of Europe and Asia. Eventually the President creates the Office of American Absorption (OAA), an organization that drafts young Jewish boys to go and work for eight weeks on farms. This is the first, almost innocuous step, one readers with the luxury of hindsight can’t help but view ominously, but one over which the Jewish community debates the advantages and disadvantages. Philip’s brother Sandy, an artist eager to draw farm animals from the flesh, comes back from his eight weeks labor dismissive of Jewish culture, having eaten ham, bacon, pork chops. His enthusiasm for the program propels him into becoming the statewide recruiting spokesman for the program. He is joined by an accomodationist rabbi who becomes Lindbergh’s spokesman for the OAA, "koshering Lindbergh for the gentiles," in the words of one character.

The next ominous step is a letter Mr. Roth receives detailing the Homestead 42 Act presenting "opportunities" for Jewish families to move to other places in the country "at government expense." This is done with their employers "transferring" them to new offices of their company. The way Roth’s novel works seems exactly right to me. Instead of nighttime seizures, there is government "incentives" prompted by business "transfers." Nothing blatantly illegal, nothing overt. That’s not how things are done in America. We are the backroom deal country, where things happen in secret, in committee. Once these Jewish addresses are vacated, in a small unremarked portion of the Homestead 42 Act, assistance is provided to move the goyim into the neighborhoods, breaking up not only Jewish solidarity as a social construct but also electoral power.

At some level, Roth has gotten revenge on certain politicians from his past, working as Dante did, condemning these people to the hell of having been Lindbergh supporters, including the former mayor Newark, the Representative from the area, and one of the state senators. He likewise presents a pantheon fit for his saints: FDR, New York’s mayor LaGuardia, and all of Roosevelt’s cabinet and Supreme Court appointments.

Walter Winchell is the loudest voice against Lindbergh, fired for claiming Homestead 42 is just the first step in a fascist pogrom to round up the Jews, which propels him into a run for president. And though he is castigated by the remaining press as a self-serving publicity hound, Roth gives him a speech that lends the book its title and he is presented as Cassandra, the only person of note in the book who early recognizes what is occurring. He is the media we sometimes wish we had, fearlessly speaking the truth even if it loses him his job. Winchell’s candidacy isn’t so much with any actual hope of winning the election, but is a provocation to anti-Semites all across the country. At one point he goes so far as to speak in Detroit, home of famed anti-Semite and ultra-conservative priest Father Coughlin. This leads to riots in Detroit and re-enactments of Kristallnacht with Jews on the street being attacked, bombs thrown into predominantly Jewish schools and cultural organizations and temples. Three thousand Jews flee Detroit to Windsor, Ontario. The rioting spreads to Chicago and Cleveland and other cities across the midwest. Winchell’s campaign ends in his being the first presidential candidate assassinated while he's in Kentucky.

The Lindbergh presidency reaches its culmination in the public funeral for Winchell and subsequent spreading of the riots, a presidential crisis, various plots and counterplots in Washington, and Roosevelt regaining the Presidency in a special election concurrent with the 1942 Congressional elections. The collapse of everything happens a bit too quickly, Lindbergh disappearing as quickly as he arrived, a shadow passing across the sun.

I’d not usually provide so much plot summary, but "The Plot Against America" is a story-rich tale that necessitates some summary. What’s even more remarkable, considering how much story is going on in the book, is how tightly packed with brilliance it is. Roth excels in an artistry of efficiency. Every side path of the story, every wrinkle, is crafted to the novel’s greater end and message. One of the things I noted however, was how unnecessary so much of the story seemed, how much pointless window dressing frittered away focus, energy, and time. No matter what one may think about Roth’s legendary fixation on sex or his old fashioned chauvinism, it is impossible not to admire the obvious finely tooled masterwork of his novels.

Whether you are Jewish or not, a Democrat or Republican, this is a fantastic novel that should be added to your bookshelf..if and when you get around to it, like me.

Hurricane Essentials

2005-10-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Mustard.............................................check
Cheetos.............................................check
Toilet Paper........................................check
Bud Light...........................................check
Keystone Ice........................................check
Budweiser...........................................check
Red Dog.............................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check
Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

Next time let's all be a little more prepared.

My Hotmail inbox..

2005-10-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

Though I never asked for it, strangers feel it is their duty to send my Hotmail account loads of porn. Every morning I log in, and every morning there's around ten emails sent by loving individuals who want nothing more than to increase my penis size or have me watch them fornicate. However, I only have so much time on my hands, and the competition for my attention is fierce, what, with my work, house, wife and normal life and all! However...here are a few email subjects that should be commended, with my commentary below it :)

Loads of cum everywhere, bring the mop
Ick.

Do you like pussy?, adnxfjk
Very much, fdjksjdl

Voted "Best sex site!" by USA Today
Must be time to start reading USA Today.

Cannot stop playing with my beautiful.....
What!? What!!! Good God, Tell me What!!!

.--->>JENNIFER LOPEZ ANAL SEX!!<<---O
I only liked this one because I believe the bullets at the front and back are supposed to imply a "before and after."

TAKE A PILL, GET A HUGE DICK!
I'll take ten please.

I'm waiting for you in my double-wide trailer...
You'll be waiting a very long time.

From: Nurse Michelle
Subject: Watch what I did with 2 of my patients...
I hate to admit it, but this one at least caught my attention...maybe my wife needs a nurses outfit...hmmm.

Sweet Teens And Horny Horses!!
Don't worry, the horses are of consenting age.

Women - Climax Easily Before He Does
20 bucks says I can win this bet.

Amazing scenes of butthole violation!!
A great example of "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Tiny Holes and Giant Poles - Superstretchers!
If they're anything like Transformers, count me in!

My Sister And The Family Dog...........
The lost episode of Lassie.

HOT TWATS in the OPEN AIR only at OUR DAY CAMP.
Whoa. Now that's some fucked up imagery. Bravo!

Break Walls Apart With Your Big Cock
I can't imagine a bigger or more painful waste of time. Oh wait... You must've meant:

Shatter Her Meat Tunnel With Your Huge Husky Third Leg
I don't quite know what to address first. I guess I'll start by saying that the term "meat tunnel" is ludicrously unappealing. Far from imagining something that would draw my penis near, I can't help but envision an actual tunnel, like a sewer tunnel, draped with dangling bloody beef. No thanks. And as for my husky third leg - are you referring to my penis? Does anybody out there really want a dick so large it could be considered a third leg? Apart from frightening women and making you an object of ridicule, what would one do with such a thing? Perhaps you were going for:

Pound Her Peach With Your King Sized Cock
I suppose this is better than the two entries above, but still, are tiny dicked men under the impression that men with large penises beat, shatter and break the vaginas of those they sleep with? If so, these are the last people on earth who should be sold king size cocks. Just a thought.

Take Your New 8+ Inch Tool And Make Her Choke
After long days of working on my cock size and beating up vaginas, I sometimes forget that I can kill women with it as well. Thanks for the reminder.

Real Golden Pussy Hairs
And tended by leprechauns... I suppose the implication is that there are women out there dying their pubic hairs to please men who just have to feel like they are with "real" blondes - and that this site simply doesn't put up with such hijinks. Whew! Close one.

Meet stunning women who require you
"Require" me? For what? To live?

Chicks face looks like a glazed donut
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Stupid...Blonde get pumped...in her Pussy...
Who's more stupid, the blonde, or a stuttering grammarless spammer.

Boobless Bitches Eating Pussy
Are they talking about men?

Flat Chested Bitches Getting NAILED
Whoa. Check out those capital letters. They must be REALLY getting nailed.

Dripping Wet Pussies Take On Animals
I'll put ten dollars on animals in the second round.

I could go on and on..those are just the ones I have received in the past 4 or 5 days. And no..I dont visit porn sites (uh..often), buy Viagra or some other penis-enlarging pill or surgery, etc..so thank you Amazon, Yahoo, Ticketmaster and other assorted websites for selling my email to such wonderful companies.

Who Can I hate?

2005-10-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

It's tougher and tougher these days to publicly hate people. Society has become intolerant of any insensitivity towards anyone for any reason. Sure, we say that our country (USA in case any of you foreigners are reading this) is hate-filled and racist and backwards and shit, but try having a conversation in a major city about destroying some crappy little country and taking their oil just for the hell of it without pissing off the room. You simply can't anymore.

To alleviate confusion and aid all the video game developers, movie producers, flash animators, and general conversationalists, I've made this list of the last remaining things you can pick a fight without getting shunned or buried in hate-mail. It is a very short and sad list:

Nazis - Here's a target that videogames have exploited for near a decade (at least!) now. By using a World War II setting, game designers are allowed to have players hunt down and splatter open the heads of human targets without drawing an iota of negative press. Brilliant tactic used by the likes of Lucas (the hypocrite revisionist who made Greedo fire first) in the Medal of Honor series.

The Undead - Zombies and the like are always fair game, even when they don't pose any type of actual threat (which their slow movement and dissolving musculature usually indicate).

The Government - We sure do hate our government. The hidden powers within are always up to some sort of dark brooding mischief. Of course..half the country either thinks their main guy was simply a better choice than Kerry (potentially possible), or actually likes him..and the other half is educated and not blind :)

Lawyers - Insert favorite joke here.

Aliens - If you travel countless lightyears to come to this shithole of a wrecked planet with it's infestation of selfish bipeds, you must have bad intentions.

Osama Bin Laden - I'd say all terrorists, but I think there is enough sympathy for the IRA and Palestine to properly exclude it as a safe group. Osama though. Whoo boy. Let me at em.

Boy Bands - Don't know why. If a record executive asked me to be in a boy band right now I would drop everything and work on growing some designer facial hair...because I am sure the fuzz I have now is either too unruly or too heterosexual looking. Sure the music is crap and the market they cater too is stupid and immature, but hell if I wouldn't do it. And if you say you wouldn't you're either a liar or an idiot.

Britney Spears/Christina Aguillera/J-Lo - A word to the ladies - "Don't Hate." Like the boy bands, you'd do it if you could.

Plush Children's Icons - Be it Barney, the Teletubbies or Pokemon, if it's cute, fuzzy, and multicolored it absolutely must die in as horrific a way as possible. This has got to be the strangest phenomenon that everyone goes along with. I just can't come up with any reason why people would automatically react so violently to something so seemingly disarming and inconsequential. The exception to this is my generation's icons - like Sesame Street, whose characters should be revered like Gods.

Ogres, Orcs, and pretty much any large green things - Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings has brought this back in vogue.

The British, and the French, depending on context - The British if the topic is any period before or during the Revolution. The French are pretty much fair game for ridicule in movies and in conversation, as long as they aren't the target of direct violence.

Mimes - Related to the French thing, only you can kill them at will.

Televangelists - Everything that is wrong with organized religion, packed into one tidy figurehead. Benny Hinn however, can live.

I guess thats about it for now. You have probably all read my list of 101 things I hate (in August archives)..so I am pretty sure I could go on and on about people, fads, activities and so forth that I hate..but I dont want to start any arguments :)

Woo hoo! I'm the official Doug Christie hater!

2005-10-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so if you dont like the NBA..this post wont make any sense to you (sorry)..and even then, you need to know your basketball players and knowledge. But uh..I am on a basketball board called hoopsworld..where I get all my NBA news and trade rumors and so forth..and there is/was an official draft for people you hate (lame..but fun..trust me)..and I drafted Doug Christie with the 10th pick! *pleased with myself*

So..uh..this is why I hate the guy...

Jackie Christie's lap must have a cape with a big red "S" spilling out of it. Or Doug must have seen God when they met. Nothing else makes sense.

On the surface, it's kind of sweet. Doug really loves the girl, and they work hard to make the relationship work. Of course, on the surface, a land mine looks a lot like a sand castle.

For those of you who missed it, Doug Christie is whipped in a manner that Kunta Kinte would laugh at. Here's a few of the things I've learned about the Christie's relationship.

Doug and his wife "talk" during the game by exchanging hand signals. These go further than a wave as Doug leaves the huddle. She has hand signals for "Shoot," "Drive the lane," and so forth.

Toronto Raptors beat reporters observed the Christies during one game, and counted 62 episodes of communication. They actually had a betting pool on it, and the winner got a Molson keg.

Jackie follows the team on road games....literally. When she isn't allowed on the bus, she carries a trip-long cell phone conversation with the poor man as she drives behind the bus.

Jackie waits for Doug after the game, and they exit the court hand-in-hand. Doug is not allowed to leave the court until he locates his wife.

Doug is not allowed to speak to female reporters...even long-time NBA vets like Jackie McMullan. If one HAS to talk to him, Jackie will stand behind him for the entire interview..."so there will be no games." Jackie "is undecided" as to whether deviant male reporters like Marv Albert can speak to her hub.

Jackie managed to get a female stat courier removed from her job when Doug was on the Raptors. The courier then launched a lawsuit against her former employer, and looks like a good bet to win it.

When not allowed into the locker room, Jackie sends a note back to Doug, who writes a reply.

The Christies have an elaborate wedding ceremony every July 8th, complete with cake, church, honeymoon, etc...

She attacked a female autograph seeker who wanted Doug's John Hancock....which was a little too phallic for Jackie C. A security guard was forced to intervene.

"Doug is allowed to look at other females, although I prefer he didn't." Jackie also refers to Doug as "my territory."

Doug can not speak to any other female. He also avoids eye contact. If Doug has a heart attack and is taken to a female doctor, he has been instructed to die.

When King's officials laughed off Jackie's insistence that all female staff be fired, Doug began dressing in a separate dressing room.

As Mrs. Christie is a heavy sleeper, Doug allows himself to be chained to the bed beside her every night. He sleeps with his unit in a tub of ice, to prevent him from dreaming about other women.

Doug's penis was removed during a radical 2002 surgery, and is kept in Jackie's purse unless Doug needs to urinate.

Ok so some of those are BS. That said..he represents most everything the Lakers hated about the Queens and I think he is the biggest b*tch in the NBA. :) I love hating him!!!

PS - Doug looks like a pretty mellow guy, but I'll lay 2:1 odds on Jackie being cut into hamburger with a chainsaw on the day that Doug finally snaps.

Harry Potter is..GAY!

2005-10-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

I had to post this..I know..hiatus and all..but..since I am an avid hater of Harry Potter..and thats right, I have not read even one sentence of any of the books, I saw this article and laughed.

Author says Harry Potter is gay

Thursday, October 6, 2005; Posted: 10:44 a.m. EDT (14:44 GMT)

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A British cleric turned top-selling author of supernatural children's novels was thrown out of a school where he was delivering a talk after he told pupils that Harry Potter was "gay."

Reverend Graham Taylor, who penned the novel "Shadowmancer" which, like the tales of the famous boy wizard created by J.K. Rowling, centers on witchcraft and battling evil, got his marching orders after teachers accused him of homophobia.

"As for Harry Potter, well, he's not the only gay in the village," the former Anglican priest told children at Penair School in Truro, southwest England, referring to a catchphrase from the popular British comedy TV show "Little Britain."

He also described the villains in Rowling's blockbuster series as "wimps" and called TV "crap" compared to books.

Teachers brought Taylor's talk to the 12-year-olds on Tuesday to a premature end, saying the youngsters had become "excitable," and asked him to leave.

"We were very disappointed to have to curtail a visit from Mr Taylor," the school said in a statement on Thursday.

"The seven staff from the school who were present were very embarrassed and uncomfortable with what was being said.

"The remarks that were made were thought by the staff to be offensive and were well below the standards that we expect of responsible and thoughtful adults working in our school."

Taylor, whose book topped the UK book charts for 15 weeks with the film rights also sold for £2.25 million ($4 million), was unrepentant and accused staff of censorship.

"It was a joke; a joke from 'Little Britain' that the children would know," Taylor was quoted by newspapers as saying.

"I didn't set out to offend. I'm a priest and I'm very careful about not offending people."

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/10/06/potter.gay.reut/index.html

Bored!

2005-10-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am kinda bored of the blog..so I am taking a hiatus unless something particularly hilarious or unfortunate happens to me (which is likely)..so Ill be back..jsut mgiht be in a week or so.
Thanks for your patience and understanding :)

Keeping It Real

2005-09-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I am going bald. F You.

2005-09-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

I thought I had gotten over this whole going bald thing. It started after college, about a year after I cut off my longer, uglier, hair. A friend, Brendan, was on a staircase above me at a party, while I was getting stupid drunk below, and he said, "Yo, I think you might be losing your hair man." As is my nature, I started to obsess on the subject. After a few years of many hours spent holding mirrors behind my head, I started Rogaine. My wife got it for me once at Costco. Without asking me...how ya like that!? I can't remember exactly what time period this was - maybe when I was 30 or so. I was not a satisfied customer. Rogaine is icky, greasy, expensive stuff that leaves stains on your future inlaws couch ala Eric LaSalle in Coming to America.

I know some of you have seen my photos..and thought..that guy isnt bald!? and I am not. In fact, i have enough hair that I could donate a few wigs to cancer patients. But its thinning out. And I am not doing the comb over. While my hair style is that trendy/messy/spiky.blah style, I CAN move some over to cover some thinner areas and noe one is the wiser and it wouldnt look out of place..but I dont really do that. So for now, its fine...but in 5 years..I am freakin Telly Savalas. Or Worse..

Anyways, so when my head started itching all the time, I quit the hair sauce. Cold turkey. I was never convinced it worked anyway. Since I'm extrmely slowly getting the classic male pattern bald formation my two choices are A) go bald gracefully, wait for the inevitable spread to the front of my head, and finally go the way of the razor and/or trim it all the way down ala Lance Armstrong, or, B) find religion, Judasim or Islam or something and wear a yarmulke or skull cap until I go the way of the razor. Plan B is starting to sound tempting. Why? Why, you ask? Because people suck.

Apparently when you are struggling with the first stages of baldness, all people want to do is let you know. Like it's some fucking public service. I'm at another party, having a good time getting plowed and minding my own business, but my head attracts the attention of a woman who casually drops this line to John - "Oh, that's Ed? Next to the shiny head guy?" A dollar goes to the reader who can guess who the shiny head guy was. That's right. Me. Fuck.

Of course, this comment wasn't addressed to me, though that bitch would have to be half-retarded to think I wouldn't hear about it. So enter my coworker Fatty McTactless. I'm in a meeting with about fifteen people. They called me in to complain about shit, which is their right as fuckwits, but as a master of fuckwit manipulation I have them in awe of my splendor in no less than 15 minutes. At 20 minutes I ask to leave the meeting, as I am done with them. On my way to the door Fatty says, "Hey, looks like you're starting to go bald." In front of the whole room. I turned ready to lunge and beat him dead, but only mustered the following half-assed comment "Must be the job." This was one of those unfortunate time machine moments, where you come up with no less than ten great retorts five minutes too late. As I do not own a time machine, I left the room, never to return, tail between my legs, mind on my head.

Later that day another coworker comes into my office as I am rubbing my eyes and pulling my hair in frustration. She asks me what's wrong, and I mutter something and put my head down on my desk. She asks "Is it because you're losing your hair?" She wasn't even in the meeting. And there was not an ounce of spite in her voice. It was sympathy mixed with concern. I felt like puking. Two comments in one day. I must look like Mr. Clean.

So if you ever meet me, keep this in mind - YES, I KNOW I AM LOSING MY HAIR. I KNOW. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. ONLY AN IDIOT COULD BE LOSING HIS HAIR AND NOT REALIZE IT. YOU ARE AN ANNOYING COCKWEASEL.

Hooray!

2005-09-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday!

Template..duh

2005-09-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well..my wife started blogging, and then she kept asking me how to change her template and I told her..and blam..she finds this way cool template, I had to do some tweaking for her..and then hers is better than mine. So....I went searching high and low..and found some images I liked..did a lot of Photoshopping, did some html tweaking, and came up with the one you see before you. Of course, it isnt finished; the links and background need a better color scheme, and the image repeats itself way down..and I might add some stuff to the right side..etc.
But for now..I like it. I always wanted some sort of lazy/zen/autumn type of mood..and this kind of summarizes how I feel..just laying out in a field or park, daydreaming and relaxing..

New Rules

2005-09-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I just finished a little light reading..New Rules by Bill Maher (Host of Real Time on HBO, and former host of Politically Incorrect). Now I understand some of you may be Republicans. The book is not all bush-bashing..seriously. He also picks on rednecks, the south, Tom and Katie, Britney and Kevin, Paris Hilton..many other celebs, trends, icons, and even Democrats..but yes..theres plenty of Bush bashing..and some of them are so funny. So when you have a moment, if you need a good chuckle..go pick up this book..because I know I was cracking up on almost every page.

Oh..for a little more humor...

Go to: http://www.google.com
Type in: Failure
Click: I'm Feeling Lucky

Enjoy!

:)

Afterschool special

2005-09-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

Well, if you did not already know, these are the differences between a man and a woman, as told by an instructor on television in the 70s...

Cats - more than just a source of emergency nutrition

2005-09-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is by far the best article I have seen on CNN..it tops the virgin mary grilled cheese in a heartbeat..but maybe because I hate cats.

Inventor fuels car with dead cats

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 Posted: 1358 GMT (2158 HKT)

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A German inventor has angered animal rights activists with his answer to fighting the soaring cost of fuel -- dead cats.

Christian Koch, 55, from the eastern county of Saxony, told Bild newspaper that his organic diesel fuel -- a homemade blend of garbage, run-over cats and other ingredients -- is a proven alternative to normal consumer diesel.

"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Koch said. "I have gone 170,000 km (106,000 miles) without a problem."

The Web site of Koch's firm, "Alphakat GmbH", says his patented "KDV 500" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about 23 euro cents (30 cents) a liter, which is about one-fifth the price at petrol stations now.

Koch said around 20 dead cats added into the mix could help produce enough fuel to fill up a 50-liter (11 gallon) tank.

But the president of the German Society for the Protection of Animals, Wolfgang Apel, said using dead cats for fuel was illegal.

"There's no danger for cats and dogs in Germany because this practice is outlawed in Germany," Apel told Bild on Wednesday in a story entitled "Can you really make fuel out of cats?"

"We're going to keep an eye on this case," Apel said.

Read it here

Funny and questionable word verification words

2005-09-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

This is a lame post. I am warning you all now. But since more and more of us are creating word verification for our comments, I have run across some rather odd letter combos...and yes I actually wrote some of these down and didnt make them up now.

fvaggit (faggot?)
llewser (loser?)
phugga (sounds like a derogatory word or insult of sorts)
fugdit (fucked it?)
gerfft (sounds like a sound a muppet might make)
gynnxx (jinx)
jhaele (jail?)
shrvivr (drunk survivor?)
coxxhr (interesting...)
sxtitk (so close to sucking tit..)

theres been others..thats all I wrote down though..but..so whats blogger telling me? Am I being insulted? Am I anal enough to write these down or just getting "lucky" with word combos?

I bet you all start looking for em :)

Blowjob ranting and raving

2005-09-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

Wife...parents..dont read this entry. I mean it.
Thank you.

The problem with oral sex is that it’s like writing; when done right, it’s amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong.

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was seeing a girl from another school in my area, and she was one of the very first girls to ever give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. (For the sexually naïve: A courtesy tap is where I tap her on the head right before I climax so she could pull off and avoid getting any of my ejaculate in her mouth.) This was common practice, because she refused to taste semen. In her mind—I’m not making this up—she wasn’t doing anything wrong as long as I didn’t come in her mouth. Aren’t 17 year old girls funny?

The first few times she went down on me I courtesy tapped, but this time we were in my car right outside her house, I got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick about 20 yards away from her father, who I was not a fan of, and I lost track of my progress. Before I realized what was happening, she let out a little yelp, shut up from my crotch with her mouth full of splooge, gave a muffled, "You asshole," then spit my cum all over various parts of my body.

She was out of my car and into her house before I knew it. I quickly drove off, not wanting to face her rifle/baseball bat/golf club-wielding father, with seminal fluid still meekly drizzling out of my penis, my shirt, face, crotch covered in her spit and my sperm, laughing at the absurdity of my life.

I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of blowjob follies.

One girl I was dating during college, let’s call her "Jayne," had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she "doesn’t normally give head," she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blow job.

It’s the ones who say they never do it that do it the best, but Jayne was the exception. She was the absolute worst I’ve ever experienced, or even heard of, at fellatio. Teeth everywhere, no rhythm, no enthusiasm, nothing, but I was patient with her because..well..she was stunningly beautiful and I was too young to know better. It took a month of reluctant and painstaking instruction before she was good enough that I didn’t stop her after 5 minutes to just jack myself off --she was that bad (I believe she was also the first girl I ever went down on, and to be honest, I was awful on her too. But at least I never BIT her clit).

After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself, but she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would move my hips, which was kinda annoying. One night I was particularly errr...randy, and very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back, so I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me, because I was close to coming, but I didn’t think I had actually achieved orgasm. It felt warm on my crotch, but when I reached down to touch it, the come was chunky and dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I’ve ever seen shot out of my dick. The only thing I could think was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my come all thick and chunky. My mind was racing; I couldn’t figure out what else could be wrong, so I said, "What did you do to my dick?"

She looked up at me, I saw the expression on her face, and immediately figured out what happened:

"Oh my god--did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?"

Yes, yes she did. I ended up dated her off and on for another few months (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

The next incident was a few years later, at the end of college, right after I had discovered the art of cumming on a girls face. Sorry for the visual. I discovered this while dating a young girl who loved me, and hated her daddy, so cumming on her face was quite acceptable to her.

One time, as my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled out just in time, covering her face with a solid 6 roper. Being the neophyte, I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first, and strongest, rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happy with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look of agony and pain on her face.

"Hon, are you OK? What’s wrong?"
"I...I can’t see...Jesus, it hurts...it’s burning."

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye socket, and, both of us still naked and sweaty, I led her into the bathroom, where she washed her eye out for a good five minutes.

Apparently semen does not agree with the eye. I called her "Red Eye" for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to ever give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave me until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair, and had to wash it three times before she got it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials for her. After that, she greedily swallowed every bit like a nun taking communion.

One time when I was visiting some friends around the country, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. This girl was insanely attractive, and well beyond my general scope of chicks I would be able to attract. I was with friends and had no ride..etc..but she was so hot and into me that it was hard to turn her down. Plus, she had that look about her; that "I can suck like a Thai transsexual" look. She just gave off a blowjob vibe.

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, and she went to work immediately. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom; she grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants and sat me on her white sofa as she kneeled on ground and went to work on me.

My god I was right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never taking her mouth off my penis. She was so good I even broke into a sweat.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth, and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom (for sex) when I saw the sofa: There was a little skid mark very prominently positioned on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. I mean..I do wipe my butt to completion..but I dont know..maybe something escaped..Anyways, I then remembered that she drove me to her place and she lived a good 30 minutes away from my friends place. Right as the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her away into her bedroom, where I fucked her at least 3 or 4 times until she finally went to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room, got my pants, flipped the cushion, and went back to bed.

I wonder if she ever figured it out.

That was back when I was young and didnt care as much about things like feelings and emotions...at least, on that trip. While I looked for love as I got older, I also looked for the quick fix, if you will..and as I dated girls to disappointment, I got more jaded, and I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her "Betty." She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we were hooking up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and loved to go down on me especially. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of nob-slobbing, and right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely in the door when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like there was gold on the line. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

-I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.
-The roommate screamed and ran back out the door, pushing the guy she was with out in front of her.

I had not cum for about three days before this encounter (that is a whole other story), and thus I had a Peter North sized 8 roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke--the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure of what to do; I’d never seen a girl literally choke on dick before. I though that only happened in rap songs. After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song "Blowjob Betty" rang through my head, "A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe..."So I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, "STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME ASSHOLE! [cough] STOP!"

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation--she wasn’t choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs in my enthusiasm to save her life.

We never could get back the old magic after that night. It might have been due her difficulty with breathing for the next two months. (The one highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good with the Heimlich, because you are actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.)

These are all funny, but karma being the bitch that she is, my activities eventually caught up with me. This happened the summer before I started met the woman whom i now call "wife", with a girl I was seeing in Los Angeles, we’ll call her "Renee".

She was pretty hot, at least in my opinion, one of those girls you have a physical reaction too as soon as you see her. One time we were fucking doggy style, incredible sex, and right as I was about to cum I pulled back too far and my dick came out. I thrust forward again, and instead of going back into her vagina, it stuck in her ass crack (NOT into her asshole, but her crack, between her butt cheeks). I was leaning over her, my face right above the back of her head, and I looked down at my dick right as I hit climax, and I shot nut...INTO MY OWN EYE.

A direct hit, right in my wide-open eye. I didn’t even see it coming...literally.

Almost immediately, I had a personal appreciation for how much it stings. That shit BURNED. It took me a minute to wash it out, but the sting, and the redness, stayed for a good 4 or 5 hours. Fuck you karma.

Even after all of this, I still love good fellatio. There is really nothing like a great blow job. What could be better than getting off without effort? I can watch the girl please me, catch tidbits of SportsCenter, and have both hands free to play with her breasts, catch up on my reading, whatever I want.

I’ll take that every time, thank you, even with the occasional sperm in the eye. So I guess this is a rave.

PS - Go ahead and laugh at some of my explouts. We all have funny and unusual sexual adventures..some have been great, some funny, some sad. Sex is great when you can laugh at yourself..and for the respect of my wife, I left out anything involving her! :)

The worst sportscaster of all time!

2005-09-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

This guy is the worst sportscaster I think I have ever seen. Now, I may not do anny better if I was to read off the sports highlights myself, but after watching ESPN, TNT, CNN..and even NBC and ABC, I think that if I didnt choke, I certainly could fill in the blanks and make complete sentences and sense better thant his chap.
So, if you have the patience for a 3 minute video, watch this and enjoy his recap of baseball and basketball.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Animated Avatars!

2005-09-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I belong to a bunch of forums..and as geeky as it sounds, I love finding new animated avatars..but mostly just to laugh at the funny ones..etc.
Heres a bunch I have enjoyed. Feel free to be a thief and use em..I just aint posting my 2 faves of all time :)

That one was mine for a long time

Used that one for a bit...