Keeping It Real

Yes, I know I am going bald. F You.

I thought I had gotten over this whole going bald thing. It started after college, about a year after I cut off my longer, uglier, hair. A friend, Brendan, was on a staircase above me at a party, while I was getting stupid drunk below, and he said, "Yo, I think you might be losing your hair man." As is my nature, I started to obsess on the subject. After a few years of many hours spent holding mirrors behind my head, I started Rogaine. My wife got it for me once at Costco. Without asking me...how ya like that!? I can't remember exactly what time period this was - maybe when I was 30 or so. I was not a satisfied customer. Rogaine is icky, greasy, expensive stuff that leaves stains on your future inlaws couch ala Eric LaSalle in Coming to America.

I know some of you have seen my photos..and thought..that guy isnt bald!? and I am not. In fact, i have enough hair that I could donate a few wigs to cancer patients. But its thinning out. And I am not doing the comb over. While my hair style is that trendy/messy/spiky.blah style, I CAN move some over to cover some thinner areas and noe one is the wiser and it wouldnt look out of place..but I dont really do that. So for now, its fine...but in 5 years..I am freakin Telly Savalas. Or Worse..



Anyways, so when my head started itching all the time, I quit the hair sauce. Cold turkey. I was never convinced it worked anyway. Since I'm extrmely slowly getting the classic male pattern bald formation my two choices are A) go bald gracefully, wait for the inevitable spread to the front of my head, and finally go the way of the razor and/or trim it all the way down ala Lance Armstrong, or, B) find religion, Judasim or Islam or something and wear a yarmulke or skull cap until I go the way of the razor. Plan B is starting to sound tempting. Why? Why, you ask? Because people suck.

Apparently when you are struggling with the first stages of baldness, all people want to do is let you know. Like it's some fucking public service. I'm at another party, having a good time getting plowed and minding my own business, but my head attracts the attention of a woman who casually drops this line to John - "Oh, that's Ed? Next to the shiny head guy?" A dollar goes to the reader who can guess who the shiny head guy was. That's right. Me. Fuck.

Of course, this comment wasn't addressed to me, though that bitch would have to be half-retarded to think I wouldn't hear about it. So enter my coworker Fatty McTactless. I'm in a meeting with about fifteen people. They called me in to complain about shit, which is their right as fuckwits, but as a master of fuckwit manipulation I have them in awe of my splendor in no less than 15 minutes. At 20 minutes I ask to leave the meeting, as I am done with them. On my way to the door Fatty says, "Hey, looks like you're starting to go bald." In front of the whole room. I turned ready to lunge and beat him dead, but only mustered the following half-assed comment "Must be the job." This was one of those unfortunate time machine moments, where you come up with no less than ten great retorts five minutes too late. As I do not own a time machine, I left the room, never to return, tail between my legs, mind on my head.

Later that day another coworker comes into my office as I am rubbing my eyes and pulling my hair in frustration. She asks me what's wrong, and I mutter something and put my head down on my desk. She asks "Is it because you're losing your hair?" She wasn't even in the meeting. And there was not an ounce of spite in her voice. It was sympathy mixed with concern. I felt like puking. Two comments in one day. I must look like Mr. Clean.

So if you ever meet me, keep this in mind - YES, I KNOW I AM LOSING MY HAIR. I KNOW. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. ONLY AN IDIOT COULD BE LOSING HIS HAIR AND NOT REALIZE IT. YOU ARE AN ANNOYING COCKWEASEL.

Hooray!

Today is my birthday!

Template..duh

Well..my wife started blogging, and then she kept asking me how to change her template and I told her..and blam..she finds this way cool template, I had to do some tweaking for her..and then hers is better than mine. So....I went searching high and low..and found some images I liked..did a lot of Photoshopping, did some html tweaking, and came up with the one you see before you. Of course, it isnt finished; the links and background need a better color scheme, and the image repeats itself way down..and I might add some stuff to the right side..etc.
But for now..I like it. I always wanted some sort of lazy/zen/autumn type of mood..and this kind of summarizes how I feel..just laying out in a field or park, daydreaming and relaxing..

New Rules

I just finished a little light reading..New Rules by Bill Maher (Host of Real Time on HBO, and former host of Politically Incorrect). Now I understand some of you may be Republicans. The book is not all bush-bashing..seriously. He also picks on rednecks, the south, Tom and Katie, Britney and Kevin, Paris Hilton..many other celebs, trends, icons, and even Democrats..but yes..theres plenty of Bush bashing..and some of them are so funny. So when you have a moment, if you need a good chuckle..go pick up this book..because I know I was cracking up on almost every page.

Oh..for a little more humor...

Go to: http://www.google.com
Type in: Failure
Click: I'm Feeling Lucky

Enjoy!

:)

Afterschool special

Well, if you did not already know, these are the differences between a man and a woman, as told by an instructor on television in the 70s...

Cats - more than just a source of emergency nutrition

This is by far the best article I have seen on CNN..it tops the virgin mary grilled cheese in a heartbeat..but maybe because I hate cats.


Inventor fuels car with dead cats

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 Posted: 1358 GMT (2158 HKT)

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A German inventor has angered animal rights activists with his answer to fighting the soaring cost of fuel -- dead cats.

Christian Koch, 55, from the eastern county of Saxony, told Bild newspaper that his organic diesel fuel -- a homemade blend of garbage, run-over cats and other ingredients -- is a proven alternative to normal consumer diesel.

"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Koch said. "I have gone 170,000 km (106,000 miles) without a problem."

The Web site of Koch's firm, "Alphakat GmbH", says his patented "KDV 500" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about 23 euro cents (30 cents) a liter, which is about one-fifth the price at petrol stations now.

Koch said around 20 dead cats added into the mix could help produce enough fuel to fill up a 50-liter (11 gallon) tank.

But the president of the German Society for the Protection of Animals, Wolfgang Apel, said using dead cats for fuel was illegal.

"There's no danger for cats and dogs in Germany because this practice is outlawed in Germany," Apel told Bild on Wednesday in a story entitled "Can you really make fuel out of cats?"

"We're going to keep an eye on this case," Apel said.

Read it here

Funny and questionable word verification words

This is a lame post. I am warning you all now. But since more and more of us are creating word verification for our comments, I have run across some rather odd letter combos...and yes I actually wrote some of these down and didnt make them up now.

fvaggit (faggot?)
llewser (loser?)
phugga (sounds like a derogatory word or insult of sorts)
fugdit (fucked it?)
gerfft (sounds like a sound a muppet might make)
gynnxx (jinx)
jhaele (jail?)
shrvivr (drunk survivor?)
coxxhr (interesting...)
sxtitk (so close to sucking tit..)

theres been others..thats all I wrote down though..but..so whats blogger telling me? Am I being insulted? Am I anal enough to write these down or just getting "lucky" with word combos?

I bet you all start looking for em :)

Blowjob ranting and raving

Wife...parents..dont read this entry. I mean it.
Thank you.


The problem with oral sex is that it’s like writing; when done right, it’s amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong.

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was seeing a girl from another school in my area, and she was one of the very first girls to ever give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. (For the sexually naïve: A courtesy tap is where I tap her on the head right before I climax so she could pull off and avoid getting any of my ejaculate in her mouth.) This was common practice, because she refused to taste semen. In her mind—I’m not making this up—she wasn’t doing anything wrong as long as I didn’t come in her mouth. Aren’t 17 year old girls funny?

The first few times she went down on me I courtesy tapped, but this time we were in my car right outside her house, I got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick about 20 yards away from her father, who I was not a fan of, and I lost track of my progress. Before I realized what was happening, she let out a little yelp, shut up from my crotch with her mouth full of splooge, gave a muffled, "You asshole," then spit my cum all over various parts of my body.

She was out of my car and into her house before I knew it. I quickly drove off, not wanting to face her rifle/baseball bat/golf club-wielding father, with seminal fluid still meekly drizzling out of my penis, my shirt, face, crotch covered in her spit and my sperm, laughing at the absurdity of my life.

I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of blowjob follies.

One girl I was dating during college, let’s call her "Jayne," had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she "doesn’t normally give head," she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blow job.

It’s the ones who say they never do it that do it the best, but Jayne was the exception. She was the absolute worst I’ve ever experienced, or even heard of, at fellatio. Teeth everywhere, no rhythm, no enthusiasm, nothing, but I was patient with her because..well..she was stunningly beautiful and I was too young to know better. It took a month of reluctant and painstaking instruction before she was good enough that I didn’t stop her after 5 minutes to just jack myself off --she was that bad (I believe she was also the first girl I ever went down on, and to be honest, I was awful on her too. But at least I never BIT her clit).

After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself, but she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would move my hips, which was kinda annoying. One night I was particularly errr...randy, and very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back, so I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me, because I was close to coming, but I didn’t think I had actually achieved orgasm. It felt warm on my crotch, but when I reached down to touch it, the come was chunky and dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I’ve ever seen shot out of my dick. The only thing I could think was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my come all thick and chunky. My mind was racing; I couldn’t figure out what else could be wrong, so I said, "What did you do to my dick?"

She looked up at me, I saw the expression on her face, and immediately figured out what happened:

"Oh my god--did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?"

Yes, yes she did. I ended up dated her off and on for another few months (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

The next incident was a few years later, at the end of college, right after I had discovered the art of cumming on a girls face. Sorry for the visual. I discovered this while dating a young girl who loved me, and hated her daddy, so cumming on her face was quite acceptable to her.

One time, as my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled out just in time, covering her face with a solid 6 roper. Being the neophyte, I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first, and strongest, rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happy with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look of agony and pain on her face.

"Hon, are you OK? What’s wrong?"
"I...I can’t see...Jesus, it hurts...it’s burning."

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye socket, and, both of us still naked and sweaty, I led her into the bathroom, where she washed her eye out for a good five minutes.

Apparently semen does not agree with the eye. I called her "Red Eye" for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to ever give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave me until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair, and had to wash it three times before she got it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials for her. After that, she greedily swallowed every bit like a nun taking communion.

One time when I was visiting some friends around the country, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. This girl was insanely attractive, and well beyond my general scope of chicks I would be able to attract. I was with friends and had no ride..etc..but she was so hot and into me that it was hard to turn her down. Plus, she had that look about her; that "I can suck like a Thai transsexual" look. She just gave off a blowjob vibe.

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, and she went to work immediately. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom; she grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants and sat me on her white sofa as she kneeled on ground and went to work on me.

My god I was right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never taking her mouth off my penis. She was so good I even broke into a sweat.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth, and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom (for sex) when I saw the sofa: There was a little skid mark very prominently positioned on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. I mean..I do wipe my butt to completion..but I dont know..maybe something escaped..Anyways, I then remembered that she drove me to her place and she lived a good 30 minutes away from my friends place. Right as the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her away into her bedroom, where I fucked her at least 3 or 4 times until she finally went to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room, got my pants, flipped the cushion, and went back to bed.

I wonder if she ever figured it out.

That was back when I was young and didnt care as much about things like feelings and emotions...at least, on that trip. While I looked for love as I got older, I also looked for the quick fix, if you will..and as I dated girls to disappointment, I got more jaded, and I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her "Betty." She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we were hooking up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and loved to go down on me especially. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of nob-slobbing, and right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely in the door when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like there was gold on the line. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

-I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.
-The roommate screamed and ran back out the door, pushing the guy she was with out in front of her.

I had not cum for about three days before this encounter (that is a whole other story), and thus I had a Peter North sized 8 roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke--the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure of what to do; I’d never seen a girl literally choke on dick before. I though that only happened in rap songs. After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song "Blowjob Betty" rang through my head, "A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe..."So I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, "STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME ASSHOLE! [cough] STOP!"

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation--she wasn’t choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs in my enthusiasm to save her life.

We never could get back the old magic after that night. It might have been due her difficulty with breathing for the next two months. (The one highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good with the Heimlich, because you are actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.)

These are all funny, but karma being the bitch that she is, my activities eventually caught up with me. This happened the summer before I started met the woman whom i now call "wife", with a girl I was seeing in Los Angeles, we’ll call her "Renee".

She was pretty hot, at least in my opinion, one of those girls you have a physical reaction too as soon as you see her. One time we were fucking doggy style, incredible sex, and right as I was about to cum I pulled back too far and my dick came out. I thrust forward again, and instead of going back into her vagina, it stuck in her ass crack (NOT into her asshole, but her crack, between her butt cheeks). I was leaning over her, my face right above the back of her head, and I looked down at my dick right as I hit climax, and I shot nut...INTO MY OWN EYE.

A direct hit, right in my wide-open eye. I didn’t even see it coming...literally.

Almost immediately, I had a personal appreciation for how much it stings. That shit BURNED. It took me a minute to wash it out, but the sting, and the redness, stayed for a good 4 or 5 hours. Fuck you karma.

Even after all of this, I still love good fellatio. There is really nothing like a great blow job. What could be better than getting off without effort? I can watch the girl please me, catch tidbits of SportsCenter, and have both hands free to play with her breasts, catch up on my reading, whatever I want.

I’ll take that every time, thank you, even with the occasional sperm in the eye. So I guess this is a rave.

PS - Go ahead and laugh at some of my explouts. We all have funny and unusual sexual adventures..some have been great, some funny, some sad. Sex is great when you can laugh at yourself..and for the respect of my wife, I left out anything involving her! :)

The worst sportscaster of all time!

This guy is the worst sportscaster I think I have ever seen. Now, I may not do anny better if I was to read off the sports highlights myself, but after watching ESPN, TNT, CNN..and even NBC and ABC, I think that if I didnt choke, I certainly could fill in the blanks and make complete sentences and sense better thant his chap.
So, if you have the patience for a 3 minute video, watch this and enjoy his recap of baseball and basketball.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Animated Avatars!

Well, I belong to a bunch of forums..and as geeky as it sounds, I love finding new animated avatars..but mostly just to laugh at the funny ones..etc.
Heres a bunch I have enjoyed. Feel free to be a thief and use em..I just aint posting my 2 faves of all time :)








That one was mine for a long time










Used that one for a bit...

The trip to Bend

Bend, OR at sunset

My wife and I left Saturday morning for a nice little jaunt to Bend, OR. Bend is known for a few things, to my knowledge. First, it is absolutely gorgeous there..great views of several snowy peaks (3 sisters, Broken Top, Mt.Bachelor, Mt. Washing ton and one called 3 fingered Jack - which sounds like a hand insult of some sort...), the Deschutes River and more trees than you could count in a lifetime. 2. Tremendous mountain biking, kayaking and skiing at Mt.Bachelor. and 3. The Deschutes Brewery. If you like beer, and you havent tried Mirror Pond ale or Black Butte Porter, then you are missing out! Amazing beer, and my favorite micro-brew and possibly favorite beer of any I've ever had.

When we first got there, we stopped off for lunch at the Deschutes brewhouse and pub. We both had chicken sandwiches and each tried a 6 pack sampler of beer. There were so many good beers, we were in heaven. I'd have to say the local Bachelor Bitter, and the Saison, were outstanding. We tried to not have the ones you can buy in the stores. After eating and downing the brews, we were feeling pretty good, but headed over to the actual Deschutes Brewery and took a tour of the place. But first, the feed you 5 more beers. The tour, and the beer, was FREE. After 6 beers at lunch, and 5 more..we were each quite happy and made our way to the hotel. We changed, took a walk, and relaxed and then headed out to dinner.

We went to Merenda's (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!) for dinner, and instead of ordering the tradtional meal and maybe a salad or appetizer, we split a bunch of small plates and appetizers. The cost was about the same for us and we got to try a lot of foods, and since I felt a little sick (maybe from the brews?), I didnt want some big meal in front of me.
So we split an order of the humboldt fog cheese appetizer (big thumbs up) and the tomato and basil plate. The tomato plate was basically a caprese appetizer, without the buffalo mozarella..but it was a one GIANT tomato, followed by a bunch of different varieties of tomatos all stacked on top, drizzled with olive oil. It was..amazing. For our other courses, we ordered the spare ribs (which are a must-have apparently..really really tasty), the roasted corn, and a warm, creamy butter encrusted goat cheese tart (that comes with a small portobello and bacon salad)..all were absolutely terrific and more than we could eat. Apparently they also have an incredible wine selection and the bar was very impressive..but we had had so much beer earlier in the day, that water and a coke was all either of us desired.


Bend at sunrise

The next day we went for a nice walk in the morning around part of the town and down by the Deschutes river. We talked a lot about my wife switching jobs perhaps and other stuff. It was a good walk, and a good chat. My wife and I had the first year problems, that many marriages do, and I would have to say, that a good 75% of the stuff was my fault. But we have persevered and our relationship is terrific now. We have been married for 2 1/2 years now...and are quite happy!


Drake Park in Bend

We went then walked downtown after breakfast and did some window shopping. Most stores were closed on Sunday, which was a bummer, so we walked a bit by the park and then drove up to a great place for lunch, called the Parilla Grille (really good fish tacos!). On our way back to Portland, we stopped in Sisters, OR for an ice cream and a little walk and then came back to Portland, saw "The 40 year-old virgin" which we thought was funny, but a bit hokier than some people had said. Had a decent noodle dish at Zoa noodles and came home and relaxed.

Monday, we got up earlier to go out for breakfast, but our favorite local spot was closed, so we went up to NW 21st to a great artisan bakery and enjoyed a good brunch. Then over to Pottery Barn to drop a few grand on a dining room table and chairs, and over to an Italian pottery store for a platter and basket. Coming home, we did a little housework, and then over to our neighbors for a little bbq dinner. After dinner and dessert, we took a walk, then came home, played a tile board game called "Carcassonne" (which I won 2-0) and had some tea and went to bed.

All in all, a really good weekend, good weather and good company. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. C'est la vie.

A doggie!

My wife doesnt want a dog because she is scared of taking care of it..and also cuz she thinks *I* wont take care of it (of course..I have had 2 dogs and took care of them, she has not had any..ahem). So for now, this lil guy will do!